Rants from the Alright Guys

Woooshhh

2010-03-16T21:59:00.001-04:00

So I was driving home the other day talking with Snocone on the phone when the topic of talking on the phone while taking a dump came up. I'm a big fan of this. I do it to people all the time and always love hearing the disgust in their voice right after I flush. I don't typically spend alot of time on the toilet so its pretty easy for me to have an entire conversation that lasts longer then the time it takes me to drop the kiddies off at the pool. Occassionally, I'll sit and relax for a bit. Like if I have a good book to read or if I brought my laptop in. Then, I'll do my business and just sit and waif in the smell of my muchness while I chat with people on Facebook or type up a rant (like I am doing at this exact moment.) Anyways, our conversation led to how comfortable a toilet seat can be and just turned dark from there.
I think the reason the seats are so comfortable is the hole in the center. My junk can just hang free like the little baby Jesus intended. And my tailbone doesn't get pushed up against anything. If you ever notice those pads they have for office chairs, they always come in a doughnut shape. It's just simple ergonomics. The best toilet seats are the ones with the padding. The little cusion on them that makes a wooooshhh noise when you sit down. They are great. So comfy. Just have to make sure some asshat doesn't pee on them. The wet spots and yellow urine stains will take out every ounce of comfort.
One of the best parts of the woooshhh seats is the just that, the woooshhh. It's purely accidently where the woooshhh comes out at, but it is due to the compression of air escaping thru whatever whole the vendor put in the seat. 9 times out of 10, that hole face towards the back of the toilet or out one of the sides. But every once and awhile you get lucky. When the hole is in the back of the seat facing in towards the middle is when you can possibly experience one of lifes little pleasures. The blowing of air on your scrotum. Everybody loves a nice breeze down below. Its refreshing and helps to counteract all the sweaty buildup and funk smell that gets down there from having your junk all bunched up in a pair of pants. God doesn't want you to crunch your junk. He wants it to hang free. Thats why Adam wore a leaf.
I think I'll invent a seat that purposely blows air on my nuts every time I sit down. That would be awesome. You could even scent it. Make the funk a little fresher. Maybe a lilac or vanilla scent. Or lemon... Everybody loves lemon balls.

2010-02-03T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not a smart person. And even though I am ADD and can multitask like a son of a bitch, I'm not good at orgies. The problem with orgies is theres just too many bodies. It confusing. You never know who you're grabbing or sometimes, even what your grabbing. Say you're in a pile, you grab ahold of a nice tight ass. And you move your hand down south to do some "sharkin". You expect to find a nice warm pussy but all you end up with is some dude's junk. Why? becuase he thinks its cool to shave his ass, so that you can't tell the difference between his ass and the hot blond you thought you were palming. I don't want to hold his junk anymore than he wants me to. It's crazy. And then you have penis flopping all over the place. You'll be going down on some nice tasty twat, and all the sudden you get poked in the eye with some mansteak. Now you've got a black eye when you goto work on Monday. How the hell do you explain that one to your co-workers. "Some dude poked me in the eye with his hard-on." That'll go over smooth I'm sure. Sex just isn't meant to be enjoyed like that. It's too much work. It's just not fun. Thats why I do it the way God intended. never with anymore then 4 other people. You know, keep it simple. That way I always know whos balls I'm grabbing.

Rockin to the Oldies

2009-10-18T18:47:00.000-04:00

First off, let me say, I am a try-sexual. In the effect that I will try pretty much anything once and most things more then once. Not so keen on vomiting or deification, but thats mostly because both make me vomit. Could I tweak my head, throw a few switchs and make it so it did turn me on? Probably, but I can't think of a good reason why I would want too. Not so sure about police women though. The idea of getting a baton shoved up my ass is a little intimidating. I don't think my asshole could handle that much. Now I'm drifting. Back on topic.

Anyways. My wife was reading in Cosmo that married men think about poker when they are having sex. And that they only think about sex the first time. I don't think thats true. Conveniently, I'm reading a book by Chuck Palanuik called "Choke" that touches on the same subject. Very good book, and movie. Strongly recommend both. In the book, the main character is a sexaholic. To prevent himself from cumming instantly every time he has sex, he thinks about aborted babies, dead puppies, rat feces or other disgusting things. I don't suffer that problem. My sex life is slightly more normal.

Most of the time, when I'm having sex, I pace myself to finish the same time as my wife. If I'm running behind, I think about another person in bed with us. Sometimes its a guy, maybe doing DP or fingercuffs. Usually its another female doing pretty much anything. Whatever works with whatever position we are currently in. When I'm running ahead I don't think of dead babies, mutilated kittens, rodent diarrhea or retarded gopher masturbation. I think about rocking chairs.

It's always the same rocking chair. Sometimes its black or white or wood grain or blue or whatever, but its always the same chair. The background is always the same too. It's a candlelit background but you can't see the candle. Just the yellowish-reddish hue of light. Sometimes it's rocking. Sometimes not. There's never anyone sitting in it though.

I started thinking about this today. What does the rocking chair symbolize? Apparently, it's the most boring thing I can think of. Which may or may not reflect my views in favor of the euthanization of the elderly. Or maybe I need to go sit in front of the Cracker Barrel and fuck an Amish chick in one of those rockers out front. Either way, if my heart doesn't explode within the next 15 years, I may find myself in a rather self-conflicting position.

Trouble at the Bathhouse

2009-07-01T13:57:00.001-04:00

Been a while since this site has seen activity. I thought I'd spice things up with a tale.

I went camping last summer. It was the typical County Park camping complete with forest, lake, campfires, and fresh air. The four elements of nature were well represented.

During the adventure, my family had an encounter with a woman. She was completely trashed out of her mind and was taking her kid to shit at the bathhouse. The bathhouse was closed for cleaning, usually takes about 15 minutes, and is an absolute nesessity. My mom, aunt, and cousin witnessed the events.

The woman asked if her kid could use the bathhouse since he "had to shit." The park ranger informed her it was closed for cleaning, and that the kid would have to wait. I have to imagine her drunken attitude had something to do with the denial. I would like to think had he been addressed by a young child squirming in discomfort, he would have been acomodating.

But in this case, he denied her. She threatened to have her boyfriend beat him up, with no success. The park ranger left her to finish his job. The women instructed her kid to shit in the flower bed next to the entrance. With couch like speed, he did. Then she began to pace, muttering.. "I should rub that shit in his face.. I should rub that shit in his face.." Several times she headed away, only to return continuing to mutter... "I should rub that shit in his face..."

She finally made her choice and ripped a leaf off one of the larger plants in the flower bed and picked up the shit. Then walked toward the door. When she got there, the quiet voice in her head that was all along trying to save that man's face finally had some effect. She didn't wipe shit in the man's face, instead she smeared it all over the bathhouse's glass door.

My mom gave in to fear at this point, riding away as fast as her bike would travel. My aunt and cousin stayed for the end and then reported back. By the time I got there, they had powerwashed the entire door, surrounding walls, and sidewalk.

Later, we learned that the park management, "didn't have the balls to throw them out." Basically it was a failure of humanity all the way around.

Despite this ordeal, I still had a fun camping trip.

1000XP.

PC Gaming is an Enigma

2009-02-18T13:25:00.003-05:00

Here is an article copied and pasted from Twenty-Sided which I'm a big fan of. Shamus writes about video games and roleplaying games a lot. If I could could make him a board gamer on top of it, it'd probably be my home page. The following is an analogy about how a non-techie feels when trying to buy a graphics card for their PC:

Hey man, I need a new toaster. You know all about kitchen stuff. Have any suggestions?
The KitchenAid4000 series just came out.
Are those good?
I have a KA4510, and it’s really good.
Does it have 4 slots?
Oh you want 4 slots? Well, the KA4510 XN goes up to four slots, but it only toasts one side.
Let’s pretend I want to toast both sides.

Then you probably don’t want a KitchenAid. Their 4000 series 4-slicers aren’t very good. You could get one of the old KA3510 XN or XNS for cheap these days, but they take like, twenty minutes to toast the bread.
Er. What else is there?
The Cuisinart 7000 series is comparable to the KA 4000 series. The 7420, 7520, and the 7420 all do four slices. Just don’t get any of the SIP models because they can’t do bagels.
SIP?
“Slim Insertion Port”. The units are small, but only regular sliced bread will fit. KA has the same thing on many of their units. Actually, if you want to do bagels with a KA you’ll need the ASI units.

Which is?
“Adaptable Slot Interface”. It just means it can handle bread of varying widths.
So I should get a Cuisinart ASI?
No no no. That’s nonsense. In Cuisinart the units all handle wide bread unless they are SIP.
My head hurts. So I want a Cuisinart 7000 series, but not a SIP, right?

Pretty much. Now, the 7000 series is actually two generations. You don’t want anything before the 7400, because the pre-7400 units actually took up two wall plugs. The 7100 and 7200 four-slotters were actually two dual-slot units strapped together, so they had two cords. Plus, they didn’t have a timer so you had to stand over them yourself.
All I want is to toast bread! Four slices! Both sides!
Then the C7520 T series is for you. You can pick one up at Wall-Mart for about $400 these days.
FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS! I could buy an oven for that! I could just go out to eat every morning for that kind of money!
Ah, if you’re worried about price then the KitchenAid 4510 ES is a good pick. It’s only got three slots but it’s retailing for about $90.

I’m looking in the Wal-Mart flyer, but I don’t see that model.
Sure you do. Right here: The “Magitoast 7″. See how underneath it says “KA4510 Ex”? That means it’s the KitchenAid 4510 ES or the KitchenAid 4510 EP, just with a brand name slapped onto it.
…?
KitchenAid and Cuisinart don’t actually sell models directly. They make the insides parts of toasters, then other companies buy them, put the fancy shell on them, and give them a new brand name. But if you want to know what you’re getting, you have to look at which design the unit is based on.

Ah! I get it! Then why don’t I get this “TastyToast 2000″, which is like that 7520 you mentioned earlier. This one is only $50.
Er. That’s not the same thing. That’s a 7520 OS. The OS means “One Slice”. Total bargain unit for suckers. Some goes for the 6000 series and anything with a MRQ after it.
You know what? I’ve decided I don’t want toast anymore. I’m switching to breakfast cereal.

Good article. He writes more after this for those of you who want to go forth and check it out.

Evolution Appears! Command?

2009-01-29T16:29:00.006-05:00

We knew this day would come. One species was destined to rise up and take over, dethroning humans from our place at the top of the food chain. The first step in the process has begun: Immortality. I for one embrace our new underwater overlords.

In other news, I've pinpointed a few specific people who should be killed. Not by me, heavens no! That would be illegal not to mention arguably unethical. Let me show you some pictures:

Chad from the Alltel commercials. Smarmy little prick with froofy hair. This guy is from those commercials where the stupid, ugly, nerdy guys are falling all over each other's cocks trying to compete with suave, trendy Chad and Alltel. STOP IT.

You and your god-awful makeup are quirky, awkward and FUN! We get it. You're weird! Climb back up the ugly tree where you came from. And quit trying to sell me car insurance. I don't identify with you, unless by 'identify with you' I mean want to set you on fire and watch you run around in little circles and fall down into a little smoldering pile. Then yes, I totally identify with you and feel comfortable about purchasing insurance from your company.

Also, fuck Jet's Pizza.

Allow me to shift gears and ask all of my Christian readers to pray for an Arizona Cardinals victory on the upcoming Sabbath day. I will likely be praying to Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lies beneath the sea, waiting until the stars line up just right, releasing him from his slumber to wreak havoc upon this green planet of the clocks once more.

That's right, kids. This blog is your one-stop shop for jellyfish, sports, bitching and Lovecraftian rantings.

What Sucks Ass about D&D 3e Combat

2008-11-27T11:48:00.003-05:00

I absolutely hated this aspect of the 3rd edition combat rules.

Happy Thanksgiving, fuckers.

The Power of Sprit Healing

2008-11-11T08:55:00.000-05:00

The music just plain works.

Nerd Battle Scars

2008-10-25T16:43:00.004-04:00

Gen Con is the Most Funnest Thing Ever

2008-09-27T10:59:00.003-04:00

This is for those of you have never been to Gen Con before, and may not 'get it.' No string of words can sum up the exhilaration of the best four days in gaming the way this single, majestic image can:

I'm going to email Peter Adkinson and see if this can be the cover of the Gen Con '09 Regsitration Book.

Lone Wolf: Let us do Battle!

2008-09-22T12:55:00.005-04:00

We were traveling via carriage to Port Bax with Bob Saget, Steve Martin, that guy who ran the pawn shop in The Crow (Mr Gideon,) Cary Elwes and Scarlett Johansson. And we rolled a 4.

You are travelling along a narrow section of coast road which follows a dizzy course beneath high, overhanging cliffs. A rockfall has blocked the road ahead and you must stop to clear it. You are helping the driver to lever a large rock from the path of the carriage, when you hear the sound of falling rocks. A boulder crashes down from the overhanging cliff, killing the driver before you can make any attempt to save him. He was standing less than six feet away from you at the time of his death.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Sixth Sense, turn to 42.

If not, turn to 168.

You sense that someone is on the cliff above and that you were the intended victim of their attack. Someone is trying to kill you!

Turn to 168.

Slowly, one by one, the other travellers appear and stare in shock at the dead coachman. 'We must bury him,' says the priest.

You silently nod your agreement and prepare a grave in which to lay the corpse. As you all walk back to the coach, you discuss what should be done.

'I know the road to Port Bax. I had better drive the coach,' volunteers Halvorc.

'I do hope we're not blamed for his death,' says the priest nervously.

'It was an act of the gods,' says Dorier.

'I shall testify to that,' says Ganon. 'Lies are never spoken by Knights of the White Mountain.'

It is true that in Durenor, a true knight will speak only the truth whether for his own good or ill. His words seem to reassure the priest and you are all soon once more on the road heading towards the eastern horizon. It is late in the afternoon when you arrive at a coach station in a small coastal village known as Gorn Cove, which is mainly populated by outcasts, thieves and Szalls.

The death of the coachman is met by the villagers, with great suspicion, but Dorier's words convince them that it was accidental.

There is only one inn at the village, a tavern known as the Forlorn Hope. Its state of disrepair is typical of all the other hovels in this poor sea village. A room for the night costs 1 Gold Crown.

If you can pay for the room, turn to 314.

Done!

The innkeeper is a thin old man with only one eye. He hands you a key and points to a balcony opposite. 'Number two, the red door,' he says.

The other travellers each pay their one Crown, collect a key and make their way across the crowded tavern floor towards the stairs.

'We must make plans for tomorrow.' says Dorier. The others all nod in agreement. 'I suggest we meet here in the bar in one hour to decide what to do.'

As you close the red door of your room, for some unknown reason you recall the words of Captain Kelman when you left Holmgard harbour: 'There is evil treachery at work when the enemy already has plans afoot to thwart your quest.'

An hour has nearly passed when your thoughts are disturbed by a knock at the door. It is the innkeeper and he is carrying a tray of hot food.

'With the compliments of one of your friends,' he says, and leaves before you can ask which one. The food smells most appetizing. You have not eaten today and now you must eat a Meal or lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Hunting, turn to 290.

If you wish to eat the hot food put before you, turn to 36.

If you do not want to eat this food, turn to 178.

One of these people tried to kill us, so no way are we eating that food. We can smoke the laumspur we picked instead.

Although the delicious smell of the food is making your mouth water, you suspect that something is very wrong. You set the tray down by the door. Your hunger has made you tired, and you decide to take a short nap before meeting the others in the bar.

When you awake, you see the bodies of two dead rats lying beside the food tray--they have been poisoned. The shock soon turns to anger when you realize that the poison was in the food intended for you.

You grab your equipment and leave the room, intent on discovering your would-be assassin.

Turn to 200.

By the time you reach the bar, the others are all seated at a large table awaiting your appearance. Drawing closer to the table, you realize you have found your would-be assassin. You will have to attack without giving any warning to your enemy, so study your fellow travellers carefully and then make your decision.

If you wish to attack the Knight of the White Mountain called Dorier, turn to 7.

If you wish to attack the merchant called Halvorc, turn to 60.

If you wish to attack the adventuress called Viveka, turn to 85.

If you with to attack the priest called Parsion, turn to 158.

If you wish to attack the Knight of the White Mountain called Ganon, turn to 270.

Well, here we are. We're going to lop someone's head off. Who's it going to be, people?

We'll See You on the Dark Side of the Moon

2008-09-16T19:52:00.004-04:00

Richard Wright, who played keyboards and was an important creative force for Pink Floyd, died today of cancer at age 65. I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan, and though the band is long since broken up, it's always sad to see a talented artist go. Wright also contributed vocals occasionally (give Wearing the Inside Out a listen.) He had been playing with former Floyd frontman David Gilmour. I highly recommend Gilmour's concert DVD "Remember that Night" to any of you fellow Floyd fans out there.

So long, Richard.

Go on and shine.

Lone Wolf: Extended Edition

2008-09-15T10:39:00.006-04:00

He is a mountain of a man, completely bald and with large gold rings hanging from each ear. He looks at you suspiciously and says, 'Ale is one Gold Crown, a bed for the night is two. Which do you want?'

If you wish to buy some ale, pay the innkeeper 1 Gold Crown and turn to 72.

If you wish to stay here for the night, pay the man 2 Gold Crowns and turn to 56.

If you want neither, but merely wish to ask him a little bit about Ragadorn, turn to 226.

I say we just start with a drink and see what happens...

The innkeeper speaks with the gruff tone of a native Ragadornian. You discover from him that this seaport is ruled by Lachlan, son of Killean the Overlord who died three years ago of the dreadful Red Death plague. The innkeeper does not speak highly of Lachlan, whom he calls the 'Prince of Thieves'.

'He and his mercenaries bleed the people dry with heavy taxes, and if y'complain, you end up in the harbour with a dagger in your back.' The big man shakes his head and pours another round of ale for the drunken sailors.

If you wish to buy a room for the night pay the innkeeper 2 Gold Crowns and turn to 56.

If you wish to try your luck at winning some Gold Crowns at arm-wrestling, turn to 276.

Wait, where's the 'If you'd like to go and murder those fuckers over their buying booze with YOUR money, turn to page blahblahblah' option? Um, I guess we'll go the Over the Top route here.

A grim-looking sailor is challenging all-comers to an arm-wrestling contest. He is so confident of winning that he will pay 5 Gold Crowns to anyone who beats him. As you approach his table, a serving girl whispers in your ear, 'Be careful stranger, he is an evil man. He breaks the arms of those who lose, and murders any who beat him.'

As you face the sailor across the table, bets are made throughout the tavern.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Mindblast, turn to 14.

Now we're talking!

As the contest begins, you use your Kai Discipline to weaken your opponent's concentration. Beads of sweat stand out on his forehead and his eyes gradually close as he withers under your relentless Mindblast. In less than a minute he has collapsed to the floor completely unconscious. His head also explodes.

Turn to 305.

There is a shocked silence as you scoop up the 5 Gold Crowns from the table and turn to leave, but as you reach the tavern door, an ugly thug draws his sword and blocks your exit. Just as you are wondering what to do, there is a loud thud, and the man keels over onto the floor. Behind him, to your surprise stands the serving girl with a large wooden club in her hand. You thank her politely and race out of the door into the darkened street beyond. You also decide to denouce your gayity from the last book and make mad, passionate love to her, making every combat skill check and every endurance check along the way.

After running for ten minutes in the dark, you spot a large stable and coach station through the gloom ahead. With the shouts of angry sailors still ringing in your ears, you quickly enter the building and spend the night safely hidden in the hay-loft.

I'm disappointed that we were denied the chance to retrieve Big Gem that Burned Us back from those asshats, but I guess nailing the barmaid is a good consolation prize.

Turn to 32.

You awake at dawn to the sound of a shrill cockcrow. You can see the crooked streets of Ragadorn through a veil of heavy rain beating down on the cobblestones outside. It has been six days since you left Holmgard and you are still 200 miles from Port Bax.

You are in the loft of a very large coach station. A group of green-clad men have arrived and have started to clean out one of the coaches. You overhear one of them say that the coach leaves for Port Bax at one o'clock this afternoon and that the journey will take seven days.

You are hungry and must eat a Meal here or lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

Again with the meals? We've been through a book and a half, and I don't think we've encountered a single meal. We are indeed a tough Cheeseburger.

After the Meal, if you decide to approach the coachmen and ask to buy a ticket for the journey to Port Bax, turn to 136.

If you would rather descend the ladder to the street outside,turn to 238.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

'The fare to Port Bax is 20 Gold Crowns,' says the coachman in a gruff Ragadornian accent.

If you have 20 Gold Crowns and wish to purchase a ticket,turn to 10.

If you do not have enough money for the fare, turn to 238.

Pisshole! We're about 12 gold crowns shy.

Opposite the coach station is a narrow street leading to a gaming-house with a sign outside.

No Weapons Allowed Inside

You are excited by the chance of being able to win some gold and you quickly enter. Any Weapons you may have must be left with a guard at the door. You can recover your Weapons when you decide to leave. You are given a silver token worth 1 Gold Crown, that can only be used in this gaming-house

The entrance hall opens out into a huge room where many gambling games are in progress. One that catches your eye is called 'Cartwheel'. At one end of a long table, an attractive young woman spins a black dish divided into ten sections marked 0-9. As the dish spins, she drops a small silver ball into it which eventually comes to rest in one of the numbered sections. Several merchants are seated around the table and they are betting heavily on the fall of the silver ball.

To play 'Cartwheel', you must first decide the number you would like to bet on and just how many Gold Crowns you would like to stake. Make a note of these numbers and then roll that greed d10 on your desk. If you pick exactly the same number, you win 8 Gold Crowns for every 1 Gold Crown that you gamble. If the number you pick is immediately before or after the correct choice, you win 5 Gold Crowns for every 1 Gold Crown that you stake. There is a limit to how much you can win on this table: 40 Gold Crowns.

You may play as many rounds of 'Cartwheel' as you wish until either you lose all your Gold Crowns or you decide to pick up your winnings (maximum of 40 Gold Crowns).

If you have lost all your Gold Crowns, turn to 169.

If you have winnings to collect, or if you wish to withdraw with what money you have left, leave the building and turn to 186.

Let's take our 9 gold crowns and do some gambling. Feel free to picture it in your head.

After a few rolls, we're up to 21 gold. The smart move is to walk away. After all, you can't lose what you don't bet. But you can't win much either.

A few rolls later we're at 35 gold. Time to catch that bus to Port Bax.

You pocket the ticket and the man takes you to a coach that is waiting near the east gate of the seaport. It is empty and you take a seat near one of its circular windows. You are relieved to find that the seat is quite comfortable, for the journey to Port Bax will take seven days.

Stowing your equipment beneath the seat, you settle back in comfort and doze off.

When you awake, there are five other passengers and the journey to Durenor has already begun.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 0-3, turn to 51.

If the number you have picked is 4-6, turn to 195.

If the number you have picked is 7-9, turn to 339.

I roll a 1.

After nearly an hour, the coach stops at the shrine of Kalanane. It is said that this shrine is built upon the grave of King Alin, the first ruler of Durenor, and all around the shrine grow clumps of Laumspur.

If you wish to pick some of this herb, turn to 103.

If you do not, return to the coach by turning to 249.

Laumspur growing wild.

Laumspur? Gee, maybe it's a healing herb. Or a hallucinogenic. Let's get some!

Laumspur is a delicious herb, much sought after in the Lastlands for its healing properties. You have picked enough for one Meal. Eating this meal will restore 3 ENDURANCE points to your total. You wrap the herb up, and return to the coach with the other passengers.

Turn to 249.

During the course of the afternoon's journey, you chat with your fellow travellers and learn about their backgrounds.

Sitting opposite are two brothers named Ganon and Dorier. They are knights in the Order of the White Mountain, warrior lords of Durenor who have pledged allegiance to protect the country from raids by the bandits of the Wildlands. They own a castle and land near Port Bax. Next to them sits Halvorc the merchant. His nose is swollen and his face is badly bruised thanks to Lachlan, the Overlord of Ragadorn. A little misunderstanding about port taxes lost him his cargo and most of his gold. Seated by the far door is a priest called Parsion. Like you, he is a Sommlending who has journeyed across the Wildlands by coach on his way to Port Bax. Beside you sits a young woman called Viveka. She is a mercenary adventuress who earns her gold by fighting for it, and sells her services to the highest bidder. She is returning to Port Bax having collected payment for a successful adventure in Ragadorn.

Not wishing to reveal your true identity, you have pretended to be a simple peasant. The travellers seem unaware of the war that now rages in Sommerlund.

Turn to 39.

At dusk the coach stops at an inn on the coast road to Port Bax. The cost of a room for the night is 1 Gold Crown for coach passengers and 3 Gold Crowns for anyone else. As you are about to enter, the coach driver demands to see your ticket.

If you have a ticket for the journey to Port Bax,turn to 346.

If you do not have a ticket, turn to 156.

The driver nods and hands back the ticket. The inn is warm but poorly furnished. You must eat a Meal here which will cost you 1 Gold Crown unless you have a Meal in your Backpack.

The Kai Discipline of Hunting cannot be used on your journey through the Wildlands, as it is a barren wasteland inhabited only by creatures called Szalls, a weak and cowardly breed of Giak.

If you can afford the 1 Gold Crown for the room, turn to 280.

If you have no money, turn to 205.

You sleep deeply without being disturbed before rising at dawn, gathering your equipment and joining the others as they board the coach.

For two days and nights, the coach follows the trade route across the flat, treeless Wildlands. It stops only to allow the driver to sleep. But on the morning of the ninth day of your quest, there is an unfortunate accident.

Roll a d10. Preferably a green one.

If the number you have picked is 0-4,turn to 2.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 108.

It's a 4.

What does that mean? What happens now? Seriously, this is getting to be simply too much information to put into one post. This is one of my favorite sections of the Lone Wolf books, but there aren't a lot of choices to be made at the moment. So feel free to read this, comment as you see fit, and emotionally prepare yourself for the make-believe trials that lie ahead. I'll post the follow up in a couple of days.

Lone Wolf: You Got a Fight Comin'

2008-09-12T22:21:00.004-04:00

Let's go get these guys.

There are many ships of all sizes and nationalities moored on this side of the harbour. The River Dorn, which divides the city of Ragadorn, is always busy.

You are about to give up your search, when you spot the thieves' fishing boat. There is nobody aboard, but a thorough search of the cabin reveals a Mace and 3 Gold Crowns hidden inside a folded hammock. The hammock bears a label that reads:

North Star Tavern--Barnacle Street

You take the Mace and Crowns and return to Stonepost Square.

If you choose to go east along Barnacle Street turn to 215.

Do we really need other choices? No. Fuck other choices. We're heading for Barnacle Street.

Thirty yards along on the left side of the street, you hear the sound of merriment drifting out of a large ramshackle building. There is a creaking sign above the door.

If you want to enter the tavern, turn to 4.

Again, other choices are dumb. Our Cheeseburger is fight!

The tavern is full of brigands and drunks, the good-for-nothing crews of trading ships moored at the jetty, all singing and drinking while some try their strength at arm-wrestling. All are so engrossed that nobody notices you enter. In a far corner, you see the fishermen that robbed you. They are seated at a round table covered with empty ale tankards. You know that if you are to reach Durenor in time, you must retrieve the Seal of Hammerdal, Big Gem that Burned Us, and your gold.

If you wish to confront the fishermen, turn to 104.

If you wish to talk to the innkeeper at the bar, turn to 342.

If you wish to try and win some Gold Crowns at arm-wrestling, turn to 276.

Decisions, decisions. All of these are appealing in different ways. Confronting them is appealing because we could Mindblast them and explode their heads. And presumably get our stuff back. Though talking to the innkeeper first might be wise, if only to tell him to find a bucket and mop. And well, arm-wrestling for cash, stupid as it would be to draw unwanted attention to ourselves, would be pretty awesome.

Please think for me, I can't bear to.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

2008-09-04T13:25:00.004-04:00

Today I would like to bid farewell to a football player.

Bye bye to Daunte Culpepper.

You see, several years ago, Daunte was on my fantasy football team. He was among the best in quarterback players back then.

Then, the following year, I drafted him as my #1 draft pick. Then he sank into the depths of hell.

I won't miss you Daunte.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8524404?MSNHPHMA

Lone Wolf: Swimming is Bullshit

2008-09-03T11:08:00.003-04:00

You desperately wave your Kai cloak above your head until you are near to exhaustion.

Roll a d10 and find out if the fucker sees you.

On a 0-6, turn to 41.
On a 7-9, turn to 180.

I roll a 4, and I'll bet that means I'm in luck!

You are in luck, for the boat has seen your distress signal and is heading towards you. It is a small fishing boat from the port of Ragadorn. The fishermen are a rough-looking bunch, but they wrap you in a warm blanket and offer you some food. The captain suggests that you sleep, as it will be two or three hours before they arrive back in Ragadorn.

If you wish to take his advice, restore 1 ENDURANCE point and turn to 194.

If you prefer to stay awake and keep watch for any other survivors of the storm, turn to 251.

Fuck sleep! Ain't no party like a fishermen stranger party 'cause a fishermen stranger party don't stop!

It is nearly dark when the small fishing boat passes through the harbour entrance of Ragadorn. You have still seen no sign of survivors from the storm and you fear the worst.

You notice that three of the fishermen are acting very suspiciously. They whisper to each other and their eyes often glance at your money pouch. As the boat sails into the estuary of the River Dorn, they surround you and demand that you hand over all your gold. You are about to fight them when an unexpected blow from behind knocks you to the deck. You see one of the fishermen raise his foot. As it strikes your head, suddenly everything fades into darkness.

Turn to 194.

When you awake, you are shocked to find yourself lying beneath a wooden jetty, and the shallow water surrounding you fills your nostrils with a foul stench. As you stand, your head throbs violently as if you had been knocked unconscious. This is exactly what has happened to you, and your Gold, your Backpack, your Weapons and all your Special Items (including the Seal of Hammerdal) have been stolen by the fishermen.

Big Gem that Burned Us is gone?!? NO!!!!

With a groan of despair, you climb out of the slimy water and pull yourself onto the jetty. Looking up you see a faded sign.

Welcome to Ragadorn

You fear the rumours about this place are true. It is nearly dark and it has started to rain. You must find the Seal if you are to persuade the Durenese to give you the Sommerswerd. Looking round, you see a large market square with a stone signpost in the centre, indicating the various roads that lead off the square.

If you wish to go east along Barnacle Street, turn to 215.

If you wish to go south along Westbank Wharf, turn to 303.

If you wish to go north along Booty Walk, turn to 129.

If you would rather go west back to the jetty, and search for the fishing boat, turn to 86.

Which way to go, people? Booty Walk? Come on!

Lone Wolf: It Takes a Thief

2008-08-27T16:49:00.004-04:00

Keeping one eye on the door, you quickly search the drawers of an ornate chart table. There does not appear to be anything unusual about the contents. You find mainly charts, island maps and navigational instruments. You are about to abandon this fruitless search when you notice a small lever hidden below the tabletop. You push it and a panel flips open to reveal a small wooden box with a brass lock. If you have the Kai Discipline of Mind Over Matter, turn to 287.

If you wish to prise open the lock, turn to 190.

If you wish to replace the box and join the captain on deck, before he suspects something is wrong, turn to 175.

I'm certain that we have ample time to rifle through his desk, find a lockbox, pick the lock, take the contents and replace it before he realizes we aren't following him up the ladder. Let's do this!

Using the edge of a steel rule to prise open the lock, you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your chest. A cunning trap has been laid, and as you open the box, a small needle shoots out and embeds itself in your flesh. It is tipped with a deadly poison. You die instantly.

Your mission and your life come to a tragic end here.

Score!

I've suddenly decided to Do The Right Thing.

It seems our bird has flown,' says the captain, pointing to a longboat moving swiftly towards another ship on the horizon. 'She flies no flag, and her hull is of a strange shape. I've ne'er before seen the like.'

You watch as the longboat reaches the mysterious ship. As if by magic a sea fog appears from nowhere and engulfs the vessel. Moments later, both the ship and the fog have disappeared.

If the number you have picked is 0-4, turn to 53.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 209.

The die shows an 8.

The crew start to whisper. You hear the words 'ghost-ship' and 'cursed voyage', but the muttering stops when the captain's voice booms out an order for all hands on deck. Only the creaking of the timbers can be heard as Captain Kelman climbs to the rear deck to address the crew.

'Men, we're three days' sail from Port Bax. The fire has robbed us of our provisions and our freshwater has been fouled. We shall have to steer a new course for Ragadorn, where we shall make good our repairs and replenish our stores. That is all.'

The crew seem pleased by the captain's announcement, and set about their duties with renewed vigour.

Then the captain turns to you. 'We're about eight hours from Ragadorn, my lord. My orders are to see you safely to Port Bax and pass you into the care of the Sommlending consul, Lord-lieutenant Rhygar. But time is not our ally and I fear the repairs may take a week or more to complete. When we drop anchor, you will have to find your own route to Durenor--by sea with us or alone by the coast road.'

As you return to your cabin, the King's words haunt your thoughts: 'Forty days, Cheeseburger. We only have strength to stand against them for forty days.' You do not have long to complete your dangerous mission.

Turn to 197.

As dawn breaks, a fierce storm rises and you are woken by the violent rocking of the ship. The floor of your cabin is awash, and the shouts of the crew can hardly be heard above the howling wind. You quickly dress, gather up your equipment and make your way to the deck.

You are soon joined by the captain, who takes hold of your arm and orders you to return to your cabin. Suddenly, as you start to go down, there is a thunderous crack as, high in the rigging, part of the mast snaps. You look up to see the shattered pole falling towards you.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 1-4, turn to 78.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 141.

If the number you have picked is 0, turn to 247.

The green d10 says 3.

You dive backwards, but only just in time to avoid the falling mast as it smashes straight through the deck. You stagger upright and peer into the mass of shattered timbers. Pinned beneath the broken mast is the lifeless body of Captain Kelman.

As you stare in horror, a loud crack fills the air as the storm breaks open the already damaged hull of the Green Sceptre. As the ship breaks up you are hurled over the side and into the raging sea.

Gasping for air, you claw your way up to the surface but strike your head on a hatch cover. Lose 1 ENDURANCE point and pull yourself onto this makeshift raft. If you are wearing a Chainmail Waistcoat, you must discard this now or risk drowning. In the grey light of the storm, you watch as the broken ship sinks beneath the heaving sea. You are feeling dizzy and very sick. Hanging on to the cover with all your strength, you gradually slip into unconsciousness.

When you eventually awake, the storm has passed. The only trace of the Green Sceptre is the hatch cover on which you lie. By the position of the sun you suppose it to be late afternoon. In the distance, you can see a small fishing boat and beyond it, the coastline stretches out along the horizon.

If you wish to use your cloak to try to signal to the fishing boat, turn to 278.

If you want to ignore the boat and paddle towards the shore instead, turn to 337.

Luckily we had the foresight to never get chainmail. So what's it gonna be? Swim for shore or flag down the fishing boat?

Lone Wolf: En Fuego!

2008-08-20T11:07:00.003-04:00

You release the lock and slide back the hatch cover. The sudden draught of air causes flames to billow out of the hold. You stumble backwards, clutching your burnt face. Lose 2 ENDURANCE

points.

'Fire! Fire!' the cry goes up.

In panic the crew fight to put out the flames. It takes over an hour to control the blaze. The damage is considerable--the entire store of food and fresh water was in that hold, and the fire has completely ruined both, as well as weakened the structure of the ship.

As you stand surveying the wreckage, the captain approaches you, his face blackened by the smoke. He is carrying something in a bundle under his arm. 'We must talk in private, my lord,' he says quietly.

Without replying, you turn and follow him below to his cabin.

Turn to 222.

Our Cheeseburger is well done. LOL!!1

After taking care to close his door, the captain opens the mysterious bundle and tips the contents onto his cabin table. A large charred earthenware jug and several blackened rags drop in a heap. They give off a strange oily smell.

Prettiest man I ever saw...

This was no accidental fire,' he says solemnly. 'This was an act of sabotage. The forward hold is a food store yet I find this oil jug and these soaked rags upon the floor. Someone on this ship is prepared to risk his life to stop us reaching Durenor.'

You both stare at the burnt rags as if they hold the answer to your questions. Suddenly a cry from up on deck breaks the silence.

'Ship Ahoy! Ship off the port bow!'

Grabbing his sword and telescope, the captain disappears through the door and up the ladder to the deck above.

If you wish to follow him, turn to 175.

If you would rather make a quick search of his cabin, turn to 315.

Well, well. Would filching from his cabin make us a bad Cheeseburger? Then again, we are out to save the world, which means we have a greater need of anything in here than he does. What to do?

flashback

2008-08-18T20:53:00.001-04:00

on one of the many spiderwebs that circle my mind, this came up today. so.... i figured id force it upon everyone else.

http://grandpooofcastpost.castpost.com/400048.html

Lone Wolf: Seafaring Edition

2008-08-10T20:57:00.003-04:00

We made the decision to be seamen.

As you paddle towards the sleek trade caravel, you notice to your surprise that the boarding ladder is being pulled up. A mean-looking sailor leans over the gunwale and curses at you. He seems to think that you are a refugee trying to stowaway on board. But when you shout that you are Lone Wolf and you were ambushed by an impostor at the tavern, the ladder is soon lowered again. As you climb over the side of the ship, you are met by a tall man in a gold-braided uniform. His face is almost totally covered by a shock of bright red hair and a bright red beard.

'Haul anchor!' he booms. The crew spring into action as if their very lives depended on it.

The captain ushers you below to his cabin where he pours two glasses of wanlo, a strong spirit. His face shows concern as you tell him what has happened.

'There is evil treachery at work and the enemy already has plans afoot to thwart your quest,' he begins when you've told your tale. 'It seems that you have lost the element of surprise--and I have lost a courageous first mate. Let us only hope that the voyage to Durenor be swift and safe.'

You leave him to go up on deck just in time to see the outline of Holmgard on the horizon. With mixed feelings of pride and apprehension, you descend the stairway to your cabin as the last spire of the capital disappears from view.

Roll a d10.

If the number that you have picked is 0-1, turn to 224.
If the number that you have picked is 2-3, turn to 316.
If the number that you have picked is 4-5, turn to 81.
If the number that you have picked is 6-7, turn to 22.
If the number that you have picked is 8-9, turn to 99.

I roll a 7.

In the morning you are awoken by the cry of the deck watchman: 'Wreckage off the starboard bow!'

Quickly dressing, you climb up on deck and join the captain at the rail.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 0-4, turn to 119.

If the number you have picked is 5-9,turn to 341.

I roll a 4.

Shattered beams, pieces of planking and torn sails litter the white-flecked waves. It is all that remains of a merchant ship. But then suddenly you notice a body clinging to a broken hatch cover. A rope ladder is quickly lowered and the poor man is brought aboard.

'Pirates!' is all he says before collapsing to the deck. The man is wrapped in a large blanket and taken below. He has suffered many wounds and is close to death.

'This crime bears the mark of the Lakuri pirates,' the captain confides in you, 'but it is unusual to run across them in these waters. They must be in search of a rich cargo to sail so far from their tropical islands.'

As the ship resumes its course for Durenor, you cannot help but wonder if that 'rich cargo' is you. Cheeseburgers are, after all, quite rare in this part of the world. Especially recently-turned homosexual ones.

Turn to 240.

After three uneventful days at sea, you find shipboard life rather dreary. If you have the Kai Discipline of Healing, any ENDURANCE points that you may have lost on your adventure so far are restored. This will bring your ENDURANCE points score back to your original one. If you do not possess the skill, restore half of any points you have lost in combat.

On the afternoon of the fourth day, you are talking with an injured sailor up on deck when you smell smoke seeping from the hold.

If you wish to enter the hold, turn to 29.

If you wish to shout 'Fire!' turn to 236.

If you wish to warn the captain, turn to 101.

So are we bold, smart, both or neither?

An Ode to Holy Bolt

2008-08-07T09:32:00.005-04:00

Holy Bolt. These two words invoke fond memories of afternoons spent crawling through the dungeons of Tristram with Jimbob, battling Diablo's hordes of evil minions. It also brings out a small snicker. Jimbob and I are both blasphemous fans of stupid things, so a spell called Holy Bolt in our demonic, dungeon crawling hack and slash game was too good to be true.

Holy Bolt did it all: it did damage to any undead creature struck with it, and it healed your ally if you shot them with it. Actually, I guess it didn't do it all. After all, it's hard to justify sitting back and spending your mana shooting radioactivie crucifixes at the bad guys when just walking up and smacking them is usually quicker. Likewise, if your partner is getting their ass kicked, Holy Bolting them is probably the least efficient, least helpful thing you could do.

I don't mean this to suggest that Holy Bolt is useless, far from it. It makes this big "foom! foom!" sort of sound as well as providing a light source along the path. This is the only skill in the Diablo games that is only good for entertainment value.

Speaking of blasphemy and comedy, look at this.

To be fair, I've never really used Holy Bolt in Diablo 2. So I loaded up the game and logged in with Old_Whitey, my lvl 16 paladin. I went down into the sewers of act II, aimed my lvl 1 holy bolt at a bunch skeletons and was once again underwhelmed. I'm sure if I focused the character on Holy Bolt it would wind up being a kick-ass spell. Against undead. And useless against everything else. Still, a Holy Bolt paladin - a Boltadin, if you will, is intriguing to me. It reminds me, for some reason, of Jimbob's Cold Snap Magic deck.

So hear's to you, Holy Bolt! You're dumb, but you make me laugh.

Fin.

Lone Wolf: Mindblast Edition

2008-08-05T10:50:00.006-04:00

We finally get to use Mindblast, even if it's only as a parlor trick. It's gonna be good.

Looking directly into the sailor's eyes, you concentrate your Mindblast at his open hand. Suddenly the man falls backwards from his chair, clutching his hand as if he had just picked up a red-hot coal. When you explain what has happened to him, he looks at you in amazement.

Turn to 268.

Wait....what? We've been storing up all of our mental energies so we could mindblast this guy's hand? Let me make a few adjustments to the above passage for us....

Looking directly into the sailor's eyes, you concentrate your Mindblast at his brain. Suddenly the man falls backwards from his chair and begins to scream. Staring at you with panicked, terrified eyes he shouts "What's happening to me? Dear god what are you doing to me?" The man clutches his head and continues to howl with pain and fear. The screams are abruptly silenced by a sickening, wet popping sound. The walls, table and your Kai master cloak are now coverted in blood, brain and little bits of skull. You imagine the effect would have been similar had there been a hand grenade inside the man's skull.

Much better.

'You are indeed a Kai Lord,' says the sailor, but the astonishment on his face quickly changes to an unpleasant sneer.

'Or should I say you were!'

Sweet jesus it's alive! It's The Humongous! Look at that codpiece! Let me see if I can find some more appropriate pictures.

Holy genitals! These pirates are mencaing indeed!

It's alive! By the nine hells, run!

As he speaks, a door crashes open behind you and you turn to see three harbour thugs advancing towards you. Each is armed with a scimitar and codpiece. You have no choice but to fight all three as one enemy.

Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: COMBAT SKILL 16 ENDURANCE 25

You may evade after two rounds of combat by running through a side door. Turn to 125.

If you win this combat, turn to 333.

Evade? Fuck that. Between our Mindblast (finally) and our short sword of questionable origin our combat skill is 17, Endurance 29. I believe this is the first time we're on the positive side of the combat skill table, with a cool +1. Our Cheeseburger is fight!

- I start off with a 9. We are unable or unwilling to stop laughing at David Bowie's hair and testicular area. He takes 12 humiliation damage. His cohorts are laughing as well. We take no damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: ENDURANCE 13. Cheeseburger: ENDURANCE 29.

- It's a 7. We stab him in the face with our short sword for 10 damage. He also stabs us in the face, but it turns out his weapon is actually one of those cheap plastic scimitars from the dollar store you had when you dressed up like a pirate for Halloween that one year. We take 1 damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: ENDURANCE 3. Cheeseburger: ENDURANCE 28.

- I roll a 1. David Bowie begins singing that Magic Dance song from Labyrinth, and the area is suddenly overrun by dancing muppets. Everyone in the area takes damage, this is not unlike setting off a bomb in the room. We take 5 damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece are defeated. Cheeseburger endurance: 23.

The sailor who claimed to be First Mate Ronan seems to have escaped during the fight. You quickly search the bodies of the harbour thugs, but find nothing of value. However, you do notice that each of them has a tattoo of a serpent on their left wrist. Whoever sent them to kill you must already know of the importance of your quest.

You leave the tavern by the side door and discover the dead body of a sailor lying beneath some stairs. Inside the collar of his bloodstained jacket is a tag bearing the name 'Ronan'. This must be the real Ronan. He has been murdered. You cover the body and turn towards the quay, where the Green Sceptre is anchored about three hundred yards from the harbour wall.

If you wish to use one of the many small boats or coracles that are roped to the quayside, turn to 300.

If you wish to hunt down the impostor who pretended to be Ronan, turn to 67.

Decision making time! Do we get to our boat or chase down the impostor?

Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-08-03T10:02:00.002-04:00

I found a flash-based game called Alter Ego. You can give it a try here. It's sort of like a choose-your-own-adventure about life. You start out as an infant and (if you're lucky) grow to old age. And die. Give it a try!

Lone Wolf: Job Interview

2008-08-02T12:46:00.003-04:00

'Forgive me my lord, I did not mean to startle you.' The man seems nervous, and the open hand that is extended towards you is shaking quite visibly.

With some caution you accept the gesture of friendship, and sit with the man at a tavern table. The place is deserted save for a couple of mice gnawing at a large chunk of cheese.

'Captain Kelman has instructed me to take you to the Green Sceptre, but only if I am sure that you are the Kai Lord they call Cheeseburger. Can you prove your identity?' You decide you must show your mastery of one of your Kai Disciplines.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Healing, turn to 16.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Mindblast, turn to 133.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Weaponskill, turn to 255.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Animal Kinship, turn to 203.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Mind over Matter, turn to 48.

If you do not possess any of the above Kai skills, or if you do not wish to demonstrate your skill, turn to 348.

Wow! Well, you know my feelings on the matter I'm sure. What should we do to blow this guy's mind?

Lone Wolf: Fire on the Water

2008-07-29T20:07:00.004-04:00

The Story So Far . . .

In the northern land of Sommerlund, it has been the custom for many centuries to send the children of the Warrior Lords to the monastery of Kai. There they are taught the skills and disciplines of their noble fathers.

In olden times, during the Age of the Black Moon, the Darklords waged war on Sommerlund. The conflict was a long and bitter trial of strength that ended in victory for the Sommlending at the great battle of Maakengorge. King Ulnar and the allies of Durenor broke the Darklord armies at the pass of Moytura and forced them back into the bottomless abyss of Maakengorge. Vashna, mightiest of the Darklords, was slain upon the sword of King Ulnar, called 'Sommerswerd', the sword of the sun. Since that age, the Darklords have vowed vengeance upon Sommerlund and the House of Ulnar.

You are Cheeseburger, a young Kai initiate who was learning the secret skills of the Kai Lords. Two days ago, your peaceful country was plunged into war when a vast Darklord army suddenly invaded Sommerlund and completely destroyed the Kai Monastery. All the Kai Lords were in attendance for the feast of Fehmarn, and all were killed as the monastery was surrounded and destroyed, the walls collapsing in on the assembled company. You, the only Kai Lord to survive the massacre, vowed then to avenge their deaths. You knew your first task had to be to warn the King, for without the Kai Lords to lead her armies, your country, Sommerlund, would be unable to mobilize in time to drive the Darklords back.

Your journey to the capital was perilous indeed. The enemy had overrun much of the country and were marching upon Holmgard, the capital itself. You experienced both love and loss, there is a hole in your heart where Paradise, Back to the Future, and Back to the Future II once lived. But despite the many dangers, you fought your way through to the capital and delivered your warning to the King's court. There you were greatly praised for your skill and bravery but told your mission was not complete: with the Kai Lords dead, there remained only one power in all of Magnamund that could save your people from the Darklords--the Sommerswerd.

After the defeat of Vashna, the Sommerswerd had been bestowed upon the allies of Durenor as a mark of trust and allegiance that exists between the two kingdoms. In return, King Alin of Durenor gave Sommerlund a magnificent golden ring bearing the royal arms of Durenor. This ring is known as the Seal of Hammerdal. At that time, King Alin vowed that if ever the shadow of the west should rise again to threaten Sommerlund, Durenor would come to the aid of her ally.

The King has given you the Seal of Hammerdal. Your quest is to travel to Durenor to fetch the Sommerswerd back. But meanwhile the enemy have broken through the outer defences to the capital and are preparing to besiege the city wall. As Captain D'Val of the King's Guard leads you to the Royal Armoury to equip you for your mission, the King's words keep coming back to you:

'Forty days, Cheeseburger. We have strength to stand against them for only forty days.'

Our skills and equipment carry over from the first book, plus we get a new skill. We kind of agreed that Tracking is pretty good, so we'll get Tracking. We're Trackers now. We Track. Trackers is what we are.

And we're off!

Captain D'Val and his guards escort you to the citadel gate where a small covered wagon awaits you. As soon as you clamber in, the gates are thrown open and you are hurried away through the crowded streets of Holmgard. After a short but uncomfortable journey, the wagon stops and the driver pulls open the canvas flap.

'This is the quay, my lord. There is your ship, the Green Sceptre.' As he speaks the driver points across the quay to a sleek trade caravel anchored near to the harbour wall.

'The first mate's name is Ronan. You will find him waiting for you across the square at the Good Cheer Inn.' Then the driver bids you farewell and quickly disappears into the teeming crowds.

You reach the inn to find the front doors locked and the window shutters barred. You are trying to decide what to do next when a hand grabs your arm and you are pulled into the darkness.

If you wish to draw your weapon and attack your unknown assailant, turn to 273.

If you wish to try and pull free of his grasp, turn to 160.

Action! Let's stab this guy in the face! Or yell "Let go, Fucker!" and pull our collective arm away. Then stab him in the face.

Lone Wolf: Long Live the King

2008-07-26T10:30:00.010-04:00

As you sit down, the stone serpent slowly moves forward on its plinth. You suddenly break out in a cold sweat and grasp your weapon with trembling fingers in case it should attack. A red forked tongue appears from the head of this strange statue and dips into the bowl of green light above your head. Slowly the tongue re-emerges holding a Golden Key which, to your surprise, it drops into your lap. A panel in the east wall clicks open to reveal an exit.

You take the Key and leave as quickly as possible.

Turn to 209.

A serpent in the shape of an "S?" How mysterious!
Ahh...that clears it up. Let's take our endurance point (seriously, how would we get this far without Healing?) and press on.

You see ahead a corridor sloping upwards, and as you reach the top of this slope, a stone portal slides across to reveal another passage ahead.

You step through the opening which then quickly closes with a crunch.

Turn to 23.

The corridor soon widens into a large hall. At the far end, a stone staircase leads up to a huge door. Two black candles on either side of the stone steps dimly illuminate the chamber. You notice that no wax has melted, and as you get nearer you can feel that they give off no heat. Ancient engravings cover the stone surfaces of the walls.

Anxious to leave this evil tomb, you examine the door for a latch. An ornate pin appears to lock the door, but there is also a keyhole in the lockplate.

If you have a Golden Key and wish to use it, turn to 326.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Mind Over Matter, turn to 151.

If you wish to remove the pin, turn to 337.

You carefully insert the Key and turn it clockwise. You hear a dull click--the Key works. You lift out the pin, and the large granite door slowly swings towards you on hidden hinges. The grey half-light of the Graveyard floods into the tomb. The exit is overgrown with graveweed and you suffer many cuts to your face and arms as you fight your way through to the surface.

Looking back, you see the tomb door slowly close and a cruel inhuman laugh seems to rise out of the very ground on which you stand. In blind panic, you race through the eerie necropolis towards the south gate.

Turn to 61.

At last you can reach the wooden fieldworks surrounding the outer city. As you race towards a sentry post, you can hear the excited shouts of the guards cheering you on. Thank the gods that they recognize you, for you must appear a ragged and suspicious figure. Your cloak is torn and hangs in tatters, your face is scratched and blood-smeared and the dust of the Graveyard covers you from head to toe.

Splashing through a shallow stream, you stagger towards the gate. The full horror of the Graveyard encounter begins to catch up with you. The last thing you recall before exhaustion robs you of consciousness, is falling into the outstretched arms of two soldiers who have run from the fieldworks to help you.

Turn to 268.

You black out for only a few minutes before you are revived with a measure of strong spirit. Feeling weary but thankful to be alive, you lean on the shoulders of the King's men and you stagger towards the outer defences.

Turn to 288.

Ironically, we've spent most of the book running and hiding in near-death state, and now that we're nearly at full health again, we pass out from exhaustion.

As you reach the walls of the fieldworks, the large oak gates open and you are quickly hurried inside. A sergeant, bloodstained and battle-weary, calls to an officer who turns and recognizes your cloak.

'Cheeseburger,' he says. 'Where are the other Kai Masters? We are in desperate need of their wisdom. The Darklords press us most cruelly and casualties are high.'

You inform the brave officer of the terrible fate of your kinsmen, and the urgency of your mission to seek the King's council. Without saying a word, he motions to a soldier to bring forward two horses. You both mount and gallop off towards the high city wall of Holmgard.

Turn to 129.

Back to the Future II!

You reach the main gates of the capital, and stare in awe at the height of the city's walls. Two hundred feet high, the walls of Holmgard have withstood the ravages of both time and the Darklords. You and the officer race through the tunnel of the inner gatehouse, one hundred yards in length, and finally halt outside the doorway of the main watchtower. Great crowds of soldiers and civilians are running to and fro.

If you wish to continue following the officer, turn to 3.

If you feel that you stand a better chance of making your way to the King's citadel on your own, turn to 144.

Wait. What? Do I think my chances of finding my way through the crowded capital city to the castle are better by myself or with the guy who works at the castle? Really? I'm gonna follow the fuckin' guard!

Staying close to the officer, you follow him through an arched portal and up a short flight of stairs to a long hall. Soldiers run back and forth bearing orders on ornate scrolls to officers stationed around the city wall.

A haggard and scar-faced man dressed in the white and purple robes of the King's court approaches you and bids you follow him to the citadel.

If you wish to follow this man, turn to 196.

If you wish to decline his offer and return to the crowded streets,turn to 144.

You follow the man into a small library off the main hall. He pushes one of the many books on the shelves which line all four walls, and you hear a metallic click. One section of the bookcase slowly slides back to reveal a hidden passage.

If you wish to follow the man into the passage,turn to 332.

If you do not want to enter the dark corridor, leave the guildhall and return to the street. Turn to 144.

He's wearing our gang's colors, so we trust this guy. If he tries to sodomize us in this dark, hidden corridor we'll mindblast him in the face. Or enjoy, depending on Cheeseburger's sexual orientation which I forgot to roll at the beginning of the book.

I roll a 3.

Cheeseburger's gay now.

You walk for nearly ten minutes along a dark and winding corridor, and then start to climb a steep staircase to a small wooden door. The man presses a secret catch and the door opens. You enter a large, plushly decorated bedroom with a huge marble bath that takes up one corner of the room. The man suggests that you refresh yourself here whilst he seeks an audience with the King.

You quickly bathe and change into some white robes that have been left out on a large marble table. Shortly, the man returns and leads you through a long corridor lined with exquisite tapestries. You finally arrive at a large door guarded by two soldiers wearing silver armour.

You are about to meet the King.

Turn to 350.

You enter the Chamber of State, a magnificent hall decorated lavishly in white and gold. The King and his closest advisers are studying a large map spread upon a marble plinth in the centre of the chamber. Their faces are lined with worry and concentration. A silence fills the hall as you tell of the death of your kinsmen and of your perilous journey to the citadel. As you finish your story, the King approaches and takes your right hand in his.

'Cheeseburger, you have selfless courage: the quality of a true Kai Lord. Your journey here has been one of great peril and although your news comes as a grievous blow, the spirit of your determination is like a beacon of hope to us all in this dark hour. You have brought great honour to the memory of your Masters, and for that we praise you.'

You receive the praise and heartfelt thanks of the entire hall--an honour that brings a certain redness to your young face. The King raises his hand and all the voices cease.

'You have done all that Sommerlund could have asked of a loyal son, but she is greatly in need of you still. The Darklords are powerful once more and their ambition knows no bounds. Our only hope lies within Durenor with the power that once defeated the Darklords an age ago. Cheeseburger, you are the last of the Kai--you have the skills. Will you journey to Durenor and return with the Sommerswerd, the sword of the sun? Only with that gift of the gods may we crush this evil and save our land.'

If you wish to accept the quest of the Sommerswerd, begin your adventure with Book 2 of the Lone Wolf adventures:

Fire on the Water.

We got the power-up and won the game! And only died, what, four times was it? Now for the post-game wrap-up:

- First off, is everyone enjoying this? I'd be happy to proceed onto the next book in the same manner if everyone's interested.

- Assuming the first answer was yes, how do we like the format? I'm trying to handle the more obvious choices on my own to keep things going, and only have you guys deal with the interesting choices for the most part.

I'm open to any suggestions.

Lone Wolf: We are Royalty?

2008-07-25T08:12:00.005-04:00

Okay. So that's one vote for north, one for south, one for heading back to the evil place where our senses screamed at us and we ran away, and one vote for LEFT.

Let's give south a try and we'll blame Hannes if it kills us.

The cold corridor suddenly makes an abrupt turning towards the east. You notice a greenish glow that lights the tunnel in the far distance. As you creep nearer you can see that the corridor opens out into a larger chamber.

The strange light seems to emanate from a large bowl resting upon the top of a granite throne. On a plinth in front of the throne stands a statue. It looks like a winged serpent curved in the shape of an 'S'.

If you wish to sit on the throne,turn to 161.

If you wish to examine the statue, turn to 133.

If you wish to look for an exit from this chamber, turn to 257.

I would've also posted the picture of Couch fondling a statue of Ronald McDonald but I couldn't find it.

Lone Wolf: A Lively Jaunt Through the Graveyard

2008-07-23T07:52:00.002-04:00

That's the kind of spirit I'm looking for, guys! Into the graveyard we go!

As you descend the ridge towards the Graveyard of the Ancients, you are aware of a strange mist and cloud that swirls all around this grey and forbidding place, blocking the sun and keeping the Graveyard in perpetual gloom.

A creeping chill seems to penetrate your very bones. Back to the Future becomes startled and no matter how you urge him on, he refuses to go any nearer to this dreadful place. So you must leave your horse and press on by foot.

Turn to 284.

NO! First Paradise and now Back to the Future?! Why, god? WHY????

Your passage through the Graveyard will not be easy, for the ground is broken and covered with a thorny graveweed. This wicked briar tears your cloak and cuts your legs. The air hangs heavy and still. Foul gases seep from open crypts and the haunting murmur of distant whispering fills your ears.

Carefully, you approach a gap between two ancient pillars, and part the graveweed with your cloaked hand. Suddenly, the ground collapses beneath you and you fall in a tumble of earth and stone.

Turn to 71.

You are winded but not hurt. You have fallen fifteen feet or so through the roof of an underground tomb. The walls are sheer and you cannot climb them. An arched tunnel leads out of the tomb towards the east, in front of which lies the sarcophagus of some ancient noble.

If you wish to use the Kai Discipline of Sixth Sense, turn to 65.

If you wish to open the sarcophagus to see if it contains any treasure, turn to 242.

If you wish to leave via the tunnel, turn to 104.

If Jesus wanted us to just go around, knocking over sarcophagi all willy-nilly like, he wouldn't have given us the Sixth Sense talent.

Your senses scream at you that this place is very evil. Leave as quickly as you can.

Turn to 104.

Praise Jesus!!

The walls are dank and slimy. The stale air chokes you and cobwebs brush across your face. You can feel panic grip your stomach, as the tunnel gets darker and darker.

You reach a junction where the tunnel meets a corridor leading from north to south.

If you wish to turn north, turn to 26.

If you wish to turn south, turn to 100.

Well, I have to go eat a bowl of Cap'n Crunch now then go to work. So you guys decide whether we go North or South and it shall be so. Part of me still wanted to kick open that sarcophagus....

Lone Wolf: A Big'Un

2008-07-22T09:01:00.007-04:00

Very decisive. Nice. No left turns here.

You have ridden about a mile when you are knocked from Back to the Future by an arrow grazing your forehead. You lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

As you pull yourself to your feet, you see a patrol of Drakkarim emerge from the woods on either side of the road. You have been ambushed and must evade them as quickly as possible by going into the forest.

Oh shitbuckets. We'd better gather up both of our remaining endurance points and run for the hills.

You are dizzy from your wound and you stumble through the trees like a blind man.

Suddenly you fall forward as if the ground has been snatched from beneath your feet. You have fallen head-first into a hunting pit. As you look up, you can see four Drakkarim levelling their bows at you, evil sneers spreading simultaneously across their ugly faces.

As the world darkens, the last thing you feel are the black shafts of their arrows deep in your chest. You have failed in your mission.

Right turns are always fun. - Jimbob

Why not. Let's take a right. Back to the Future will know anyway... - Hannes

I think right is the right choice. - BC

Ok! So, left it is!

You have ridden about three miles when, in the distance, you spot the unmistakable silhouette of five large Doomwolves. Riding on their backs are Giaks. They seem to be going on ahead to where the path leads down into an open meadow. Suddenly, one of the Giaks leaves the others and begins to ride back along the path towards you.

If you wish to hide in the undergrowth and let him pass, turn to 176.

If you wish to fight him, turn to 340.

Good god, please no more fighting.

You hide behind some thick bushes so that the Doomwolf and its rider will not see your white horse. Luckily it works--the beast lopes past and vanishes down the track that you have just come along.

If you wish to attack the remaining Doomwolves and their riders, turn to 253.

If you wish to press on deeper into the forest,turn to 126.

Our task at hand is too urgent to waste time beating the bejesus out of our foes. This the only incentive for not fighting right now.

You ride deeper and deeper into the forest. Silently you thank the Prince for such a fine horse, for although the ground is a tangle of briars and roots, Back to the Future never once falters. The Doomwolves are soon left far behind and you bring your horse to a halt. The light has faded fast and it is almost night.

If you wish to press on ahead, turn to 46.

If you wish to bear left (the same direction as the path you left far behind) then turn to 143.

Let us press on, for this path is completely safe now. Our sixth sense tells us so.

You have covered about two miles when the trees ahead thin out. You can see a small wooden shack on the edge of a lake. A cloaked man approaches you and offers to row you and your horse across the lake for a fee of 2 Gold Crowns.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Sixth Sense, turn to 296.

If you accept the offer, turn to 246.

If you refuse and try to ride around the lake, turn to 90.

I had a sixth sense about our sixth sense. Man, I'm awesome.

You sense something is wrong. With fighting all around and the forces of the Darklords so near, why has this man stayed in the forest? You feel a strange aura of evil about him and decline his offer.

Turn to 90.

Night falls and you are soon engulfed in total darkness. To press on would be useless, for you would be sure to lose your way. Tethering your horse to a tree, you pull your green Kai cloak about you and fall into a restless sleep.

Turn to 18.

You are awoken by the sound of troops in the distance. Across the lake you see the black-cloaked figures of Drakkarim and a pack of Doomwolves and their riders. A Kraan appears from above the trees and lands on the roof of the small wooden shack.

It is ridden by a creature dressed in red. The Kraan takes off and begins to fly across the lake to where you are hidden.

If you wish to use the Kai Discipline of Camouflage, turn to 114.

If you wish to ride deeper in the forest, turn to 239.

If you wish to fight the creature, turn to 29.

Cheeseburger? What Cheeseburger? No Cheeseburgers here.

You coax Back to the Future to lie down and begin to cover him and yourself with branches and dead leaves. You hear the wings of the Kraan as it passes over the trees. It returns and circles above you, but soon retreats back across the lake.

You decide to leave now, in case it returns with some of its friends.

Turn to 239.

Wow. Back to the Future is one heck of a horse.

As you push on into the forest, you hear the wings of the Kraan pass above the trees and disappear northwards. You ride on for nearly an hour until you come to a clearing. On the far side is a track that leads off to the south.

If you wish to enter the clearing and take the south exit, turn to 34.

If you would rather skirt the edge of the clearing and pick up the track further on,turn to 118.

Hmmm. A dubious choice. We're finally getting healthy, let's stick to the road and leave that nondescript clearing alone.

You spur your horse to a gallop and race down the long straight path. In the far distance you can just make out the silhouette of Holmgard on the horizon, its high walls and tall spires glinting in the morning sun. Your path joins a highway running from north to south. It is the main turnpike road between the northern port of Toran and the capital. You set off towards Holmgard, your eyes peeled for Kraan in the clear morning sky.

Turn to 224.

After all of this non-action, we're back to 14 endurance. If I had meals, I'd eat them.

You have ridden several miles and have seen no sign of refugees or of the enemy. You race on towards a high ridge in the middle distance. You should be able to see the capital from there.

As you reach the peak, the sight that meets you on the far side is one of hope--but there is still one challenge you know you have to face.

Turn to 153.

Before you are the tall grey-white walls and glimmering spires of Holmgard, the city's banners fluttering from the battlements in the fresh morning breeze. Stretching out towards the west, the River Eledil traces its course from the mountains of the Durncrag range to the Holmgulf. But below the mountain peaks you can see a vast black army marching relentlessly on towards the capital.

To your right you can see the highway heading off over the rolling plain towards Holmgard. At a gallop you could make the outer fieldworks of the city's defences in less than an hour, but you would be in the open for most of the time and vulnerable to attack by Kraan. Directly ahead of you, a wide river drifts sluggishly towards the Eledil. If you abandoned your horse, you could swim towards the outer defences under cover of the river banks. Or there is a final alternative. To your left lies the Graveyard of the Ancients. These tombs and crumbling monuments to a forgotten age would conceal your approach but it is a forbidden area. Many are the unnamed horrors that lie there in restless sleep, waiting to consume the unwary trespasser.

If you will try your luck by the highway, turn to 202.

If you feel that you stand a better chance of reaching the capital via the river then turn to 135.

Or if you are brave enough to risk the unknown perils of the Graveyard of the Ancients, turn to 329.

Our endurance score is a masculine 16 by my count. Given my affinity for dead things and my intense dislike of water, you could guess my choice. But I'm just a disembodied voice in your head. What do you want to do?

Lone Wolf: The Heroic

2008-07-19T09:25:00.006-04:00

The people have spoken. Paradise it is.

Ahead of you, you can see a fierce battle raging across a stone bridge. The clash of steel and the cries of men and beasts echo through the forest. In the midst of the fighting, you see Prince Pelathar, the King's son. He is in combat with a large grey Gourgaz who is wielding a black axe above his scaly head. Suddenly, the Prince falls wounded--a black arrow in his side.

If you wish to defend the fallen Prince, turn to 255.

If you wish to run into the forest, turn to 306.

I know we've kind of set a precedent for running away, but this is the prince. If we save him, we'll probably end up getting treasure and concubines and whatnot. Then again, our current endurance is 9 by my count. I think we have to go for it. Besides, this thing has been in combat and is probably pretty hurt.

The creature that you now face is a Gourgaz, one of a race of cold-blooded reptilian creatures that dwell deep in the treacherous Maakenmire swamps. Their favourite food is human flesh!

The Prince's Sword lies at your feet. You may pick up and use this weapon if you wish. The Gourgaz is about to strike at you--you must fight him to the death.

Gourgaz: COMBAT SKILL 20 ENDURANCE 30

This creature is immune to Mindblast.

Oh hell. Well, if you read between the lines you'll see that the prince's sword is, in fact, a short sword, so that makes our combat skill 15. (why is everything immune to mindblast?) High risk. Low odds of success. Let's do this.

I start off with a 10! We sodomize him with the prince's short sword. Lizardman takes 9 rectal damage. Cheeseburger 9, Lizard Guy 21.

Holy shit, 9. We berate him for last round's homosexual undertones. Lizardman takes 8 sexual confusion damage. We needed lots of luck and we're getting it thus far. Cheeseburger is The Chosen One! Cheeseburger 9, Lizard Guy 13.

Meh, a 4. Lizard guy finally realizes that he is a participant in a combat and wallops us upside the head with the broadside of his axe for 5 damage. We shriek like a girl, causing our enemy 3 sonic damage. Cheeseburger 4, Lizard Guy 10.

Another 9! We lecture Lizardman at length about an upcoming presidential election. He suffers 8 boredom damage. Cheeseburger 4, Lizard Guy 2.

We've been here before. We've gotta put him down. 7? 7! He pokes us squarely in the eye, bypassing our attempted 3 Stooges block technique and dealing 3 damage. Lizardman then decides to lay down his axe and go vote for whichever candidate seems the least dishonest in the Sommerlund Presidential election. Again, Cheeseburger is left with 1 Endurance. I hope Paradise is ok.

If you win,turn to 82.

The giant Gourgaz lies dead at your feet. His evil followers hiss at you and then fall back from the bridge. The Prince's soldiers form a protective wall around you and their dying leader with their shields. Black arrows whistle past your head.

The dying Prince looks up into your eyes and says, 'Kai Lord, you must take a message to my father. The enemy is too strong, we cannot hold him. The King must seek that which is in Durenor or all is lost. Take my horse, who is known by the name Back to the Future, and ride for the capital. May the luck of the gods ride with you.'

You bid a sad farewell to the Prince, mount his white steed and head south along the forest path. The battle still rages behind you as the Prince's men fight off another assault on the bridge.

Turn to 235.

What? What happened to Paradise? Very well, we'll take Back to the Future and ride for the capital.

Back to the Future is indeed a magnificent animal, fast and sure of foot. You gallop along the twisting track as if it were a straight highway, until the noise of battle has disappeared far behind you.

You are hungry and must eat a Meal during your ride.

You haven't given us any damn meals. So we're fasting.

After several miles, the path stops abruptly at a junction. There is a signpost, but it has been hacked down.

If you wish to use your Kai Discipline of Tracking, turn to 254.

If you wish to turn left, turn to 32.

If you wish to turn right, go to 146.

Well, since we don't have tracking we're faced with the classic dilemma of Left vs Right. Which way, Alright Guys?

Lone Wolf: Kill the Children

2008-07-17T08:45:00.004-04:00

You have spoken, and dead children is what you wanted. You. Murderer. Taker of lives. Destroyer of worlds. Cheeseburger the vile.

Sweating, and out of breath, you part the dense undergrowth to see a Kraan hovering over the wagon. Three ghoulish Giaks drop from its back, startling the horses. They advance upon the helpless children with their spears.

If you wish to run back to the wagon and defend the children, turn to 208.

If you want to run deeper into the forest, turn to 264.

We gained an endurance point back HOORAY!

You have not gone far when you hear the sound of battle to the west.

If you wish to follow the sound, turn to 97.

If you would rather continue south, turn to 6.

We've set a precedent here. If we're not going to bother saving the children, that guy/those guys/that nice lady isn't getting any help from us. After all, we're important!

In the distance you can hear the sound of horses galloping nearer. You crouch behind a tree and wait as the riders come closer. They are the cavalry of the King's Guard wearing the white uniforms of His Majesty's army.

If you wish to call them,turn to 183.

If you wish to let them pass and then continue on your way through the forest, turn to 200.

The king's men? We're supposed to meet with the king I think! Hey! HEY!

The officer orders his men to halt and asks you your business. You tell him who you are, and how the monastery has been destroyed. He is deeply saddened to hear your news. He offers you a horse and asks you to accompany him to Prince Pelathar, the King's son.

If you accept, turn to 97.

If you decide to decline his offer, turn to 200.

Should we go with this guy? What if the prince is a giant dick? More importantly, should we take his offer, what do we name the horse? I was thinking of maybe naming it after one of my favorite movies, The Big Lebowski or possibly Back to the Future. What say you?

Lone Wolf: Small but Fierce

2008-07-16T09:28:00.005-04:00

The people look tired and hungry. They have come many miles from their burning city. Suddenly, you hear the beat of huge wings coming from the north.

'Kraan, Kraan! Hide yourselves!' the cry goes up all along the road.

Just in front of you, a wagon carrying small children breaks down, its right wheel jammed in a furrow. The children scream in panic.

If you wish to help the children, turn to 194.

If you'd rather run for the cover of the trees, turn to 261.

Save the children? Save the Cheeseburger? The children do not offer cover. Rather than screaming in panic, they should run in panic. This sounds like natural selection to me. What to do?

I Need a Metal Headpiece

2008-07-16T09:16:00.001-04:00

Lone Wolf: The Immortal

2008-07-14T10:16:00.006-04:00

After 2 votes each for climbing the hill and going into the cave (and a non-vote from Couch, who ruins everything) I will turn to the trusty d10 to resolve this one. Even we climb, odd we burrow. I roll a 10.

As you begin your climb, you hear the beat of wings approaching from the west. Kraan! By the noise they are making you estimate there are at least ten, perhaps more. You curse your bad luck, for the hillside offers no cover from the sky. If you are attacked during this difficult climb, you will find it nearly impossible to fight back and remain upright at the same time.

If you decide to draw your weapon and remain completely still, in the hope that the Kraan will not spot you, turn to 327.

If you decide to quickly descend the hillside and take cover in the tunnel, turn to 170.

I remember seeing a special on the Nature Channel about kraan. If we lie very still, it'll sniff us and walk away.

Within a few minutes, you can see the Kraan hovering over a hilltop behind you. At a quick count you can make out at least sixteen of these horrible creatures, each of which has at least two Giaks riding upon its back. They are armed with long spears and wear tall pointed helmets of dull bronze. You hear the excited grunts of the Giaks. They have spotted you.

You jump for the entrance of the tunnel some twenty-five feet below, but your boot gets caught in a thorny briar and you hang helplessly upside down--weaponless and vulnerable. Fortunately for you the end is swift: As the first Giak lance pierces your heart, death is instantaneous.

Your life and your mission end here.

Wait. What I meant was, it'd be stupid to just lie here on the hillside and wait for them to come kill us. The smart thing is to scurry back to the cave, like a cockroach. Stupid documentaries.

The tunnel is dark and the air is much cooler than outside. You carefully advance with one hand on the tunnel wall to aid your sense of direction. You have been in total darkness for three minutes when you detect the foul smell of decay ahead, similar to rotting meat. If you have a Torch and Tinderbox in your Pack, you may light the Torch to see your way ahead.

Suddenly, something heavy drops from the tunnel ceiling onto your back and you fall to your knees. It is a Burrowcrawler and you must fight it, for it is trying to strangle you with its long slimy tentacles.

Burrowcrawler: COMBAT SKILL 17 ENDURANCE 7

Cheeseburger: COMBAT SKILL 10 ENDURANCE 11

If you do not have a torch, deduct 3 points from your COMBAT SKILL during this fight. The Burrowcrawler is immune to Mindblast and Animal Kinship.

So much death... No torch, no mindblast. We have a cool -7 on the chart. Again. You guys are awful at this.

- I roll a 2. We take 7 snot damage from his mucus-y tentacle things. We rip his arms and legs off and kill him, only to realize he has neither arms nor legs. Damn. Cheeseburger 4, Giant Squid-Thing 7.

- I roll an 8. Now that we understand his body structure, we sock him in right in the tentacles. Hard. He loses 6 endurance. His tentacles respond by slapping me in the face for 3 damage. Cheeseburger 1, Giant Squid-Guy 1.

- I roll a 6. Well, shit. I suppose I could say that he bit our legs off and killed us, but he then chocked on our legs and died.

A friendly pirate happens upon your broken body while on a secret underground pirate expedition. He recognizes you as Cheeseburger, Savior of the Future and reattaches your legs using a long-forgotten pirate healing technique. You awaken, groggy and disoriented, to see a man with a strange hat and an eye patch. He mumbles something about "deus ex machina" then disappears. You feel like shit. Set your current endurance score to 1. Cursing your lack of combat skill, you press on.

Turn to 319.

You fumble about and grab what you think to be your belt from the jaws of the dead beast. You can see light in the far distance, and you sprint for it as fast as you can. When you finally emerge into the daylight, you fall onto the leafy ground and fight for breath in painful gasps.

Slowly sitting upright, you notice that you are still wearing your belt--you had not lost it after all. What you grabbed from the jaw of the Burrowcrawler was a leather strap with a small pouch and a sheathed Dagger halfway along it. You break open the clasp to find it contains 20 Gold Crowns. You may take both the Dagger and the Crowns if you are able to.

Feeling a little better now, you gather your Equipment together and push on eastwards into the forest.

Turn to 157.

Feeling a little better, my ass.

The forest begins to thin out until finally you can make out a road through the trees ahead. The highway is full of people heading south. Many are wheeling their possessions along on handcarts.

If you wish to join the refugees and perhaps learn more of what has happened in the north, turn to 30.

If you would prefer to continue to move south but under cover of the trees, turn to 167.

We've managed to sort of die twice here. We're faced with another decision, god help us. The refugees may have food and stuff we can steal. Then again, they are living things, and living things are pretty terrifying at this point. What do we do now?

Lone Wolf: Our Cheeseburger is Fight!

2008-07-11T19:13:00.010-04:00

I'd like to welcome the incomparable Hannes Jones to the Lone Wolf party!

As your voice echoes through the trees, the stranger slowly turns to face you. Your heart pounds and your blood freezes as you realize that the stranger is not human. It is a Vordak, a hideous lieutenant of the Darklords and one of the undead. A piercing scream fills your ears, and the creature raises a huge black mace above its head and charges at you. Frozen with horror, you can also feel the Vordak attacking you with the force of its mind.

Deduct 2 points from your COMBAT SKILL unless you have the Kai Discipline of Mindshield. You must fight this creature. It is immune to Mindblast.

We can't melt him with our mind? NO!!

Vordak: COMBAT SKILL 18 ENDURANCE 26
Cheeseburger: COMBAT SKILL 11 ENDURANCE 29
Since we can't explode him with our mind and we aren't wielding a short sword, we have a pedestrian 13 in our combat skill. Our opponent mindblasting us drops it down to an 11. Poor, stupid Cheeseburger. Here is the chart we'll be using for combat: subtract the enemy's combat skill from your own, and use the result on the following chart(s) along with a 10 sided die to determine each round's results. Let's kick some ass.

We have a cool -7 on the combat results table.

- I roll a seven. I slap him upside the head with the broad side of my sword for 5 damage; he pokes me in the eye for 4 eyeball damage. Cheeseburger 25, Asshole 21.

- Ouch. I roll a three. I flick a booger at him for 1 wipe-it-on-your-shirt damage. He wallops me in the nuts for 6 testicular damage. Cheeseburger 19, Asshole 20.

- A six. We trade blows in a non-homosexual way. He loses 4, I lose 5. Cheeseburger 14, Asshole 16.

- Yes! I roll a ten! I slap him around like a little bitch for 8 little bitch damage. He asks if he can hurt me back. I say no. Cheeseburger 14, Asshole 8.

- Another six. More hetero blowing. Cheeseburger 9, Asshole 4.

- Score! Another 10! His body disappears, some treasure flies up in the air and clangs onto the ground. Hopefully. Cheeseburger 10, Asshole 0.

As the creature dies, its body slowly dissolves into a vile green liquid. You notice that all of the grass and the plants beneath the smoking fluid are beginning to shrivel and die. A large valuable looking Gem lies on the ground near to the decaying body.

Ok, I was off by a little, but not much.

Further along the track you can see a large war party of Giaks running towards you.

If you wish to take the Gem, turn to 304.

If you would rather leave it and run, turn to 2.

Seriously? We're taking the gem! We took a shot in the balls for this!

The Gem feels incredibly hot and burns your hand. Lose 2 ENDURANCE points.

You quickly pick it up with the edge of your Kai cloak and slip it into your Backpack. A Gem that size must be worth hundreds of Crowns. But the Giaks are very close and their arrows whistle past your head as you turn and run for the safety of the forest.

Turn to 2.

As you dash through the thickening trees, the shouts of the Giaks begin to fade behind you.

Yes! We're free, escaped with the loot!

You have nearly outdistanced them completely, when you crash headlong into a tangle of low branches.

Shit.

Pick a number from the Random Number Table.

If you have picked a number 0-4, turn to 343.
If you have picked a number 5-9, turn to 276.

I roll a 6.

Reaching for your Axe you manage to hack your way through the tangle of wood and twisted branches to the clearer forest beyond. Your cloak is torn in several places and your right leg is badly bruised above the knee.

Lose 1 ENDURANCE point and turn to 213.

At least our Healing skill makes this a wash. Onward!

You have been trudging through the forest for nearly two hours. The nagging fear that you are lost begins to seem a reality. Apart from the occasional cry of a Kraan in the far distance, you have seen or heard no evidence that the enemy is in this part of the forest. As you descend a rocky hillock, you see something unusual in the tangled woods ahead.

Turn to 331.

Surrounded by thorny briars and closely packed roots, you see the entrance of a tunnel disappearing into the hillside beyond. It is approximately seven feet in height and just over ten feet wide. As you get closer, you can feel a slight breeze coming from the inky blackness. If the other end of this tunnel emerges on the far side of the hill, it could save you many hours of difficult climbing. But it could also harbour unknown danger.

If you wish to enter the tunnel, turn to 170.

If you would prefer to climb the hillside, turn to 280.

Decision-making time! Inky blackness or difficult climbing?

Lone Wolf: When Sleeptooth Doesn't Attack

2008-07-10T09:51:00.005-04:00

Ok, we're heading back to the track since Cheeseburger the Lone Wolf is afraid of sleepy plants.

Keeping a watchful eye on the sky above, you move quickly along the track. You recall that this route leads to Fogwood, a small cluster of huts that have been used by a family of charcoal burners for nearly fifty years. After twenty minutes you reach the edge of a clearing where the huts are grouped in a small circle. There is no sign of the usual mist of wood smoke which gives Fogwood its apt name, and the huts are unusually quiet.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Tracking, you may turn to 134.

If you do not possess this skill, you prepare your weapon and stealthily approach the huts. Turn to 305.

Goodie huts! There is sure to be pirates with treasure and ballistas in these huts.

Through the open doorway of the first hut, you can see the body of a charcoal burner lying face down on the rough stone floor. He has been murdered, stabbed in the back by a spear. All his furniture and belongings have been smashed and broken and not one piece remains intact.

This raises a number of questions: first off, what the hell is a charcoal burner? 2nd, how do we know it was murder? Maybe he lost a bet.

This is the evil handiwork of Giaks without any doubt, for they delight in the destruction of all things. A quick check of the other huts reveals a similar story of murder and wreckage. In the last hut that you search, you discover a Giak Spear--proof of your suspicions. You may keep this Weapon if you wish.

Adding the Giak Spear to my axe and sword would put me over the two-weapon limit. I leave it due to my lack of additional arms.

More determined than ever now to succeed in your mission, you continue along the track. Turn to 105.

In the distance, perched on the branch of an old oak tree is a jet-black raven.

There's a big fuckin' bird over there!

If you have the Kai Discipline of Animal Kinship, you may call to this bird by turning to 298.

If you do not possess this skill or do not wish to use it, turn to 335.

No tree-hugging animal kinship crap for Cheeseburger! On to 335.

As you approach, the black bird flies off above the trees and soon disappears from view. You search the tree on which it was perched but find nothing unusual. Rather than waste any more precious time, you continue off along the track.

After a few minutes walking you see a stranger, clad in red, standing in the centre of the track ahead. He has his back towards you, and his head is covered by the hood of his robes. Perched on his outstretched arm is the black raven that you saw earlier.

If you wish to call the stranger, turn to 342.

If you wish to approach the stranger cautiously, turn to 309.

If you would rather draw your weapon and attack, turn to 283.

A large black raven? Sounds like an agent of evil if I've ever seen one. We should split his skull open with a chunk of marble. Unless he's nice. Or neutral.

Lone Wolf: When Sleeptooth Attacks!

2008-07-09T18:50:00.003-04:00

The People have spoken: through the forest it is.

The Mountain Giaks are unaccustomed to pursuing their prey through forests and you soon outdistance them, until finally the sound of their grunts and curses disappears completely.

When you are satisfied that they have given up the chase, you stop for a few minutes to catch your breath and check your equipment. With the memory of your ruined monastery still blazing in your mind, you gather up your meager belongings and push on.

Our mind is blazing!

Turn to 19.

Just ahead through the tall trees you can see clumps of dark-red gallowbrush, a thorny briar with sharp crimson barbs. The common name for this forest weed is 'Sleeptooth', for the thorns are very sharp and can make you feel weak and sleepy if they scratch your skin.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Tracking, turn to 69.

You can avoid the Sleeptooth by returning to the track. Turn to 272.

Or you can push on through the briars, deeper into the forest, by turning to 119.

Well, we don't have Tracking. That would've been on 69 too, which is awesome because it's a pun for a sexual position. So are we afraid of Sleeptooth or no? We should gather some and grind it into a mixture then make it into a tea so we can sell it and retire and forget about all of this monastery, cobra-kai nonsense. Anyhow, what do we do?

Lone Wolf: Assault with a Chunk of Marble

2008-07-08T09:38:00.003-04:00

Time to knock this guy's head clean off his body. With a large chunk of marble. Just the way god intended. I roll a 6.

With a sickening thud, the chunk of marble cracks open the back of the Giak's head. The creature drops to its knees and slowly falls forward, down to the ruins below. Elated by your skill, you race forward to aid the young wizard.

Turn to 325.

I would've liked more exploding but I'll take it.

SCORE!

Upon seeing you emerge from the woods, the Giak officer shouts 'Ogot! Ogot!' to his cowering troops, who flee the ruins and run to the safety of the forest.

Shaking his mailed fist at you, the black-clad Giak screams, 'RANEG ROGAG OK--ORGADAKA OKAK ROGAG GAJ!' before leaving. Surveying the scene of battle, you count over fifteen Giak dead lying among the broken pillars of Raumas.

The young wizard wipes his brow and walks towards you, his hand extended in friendship.

Turn to 349.

He is a young blond-haired youth with deep brooding eyes. His face is lined with exhaustion and the grime of battle, and his long sky-blue robes bear evidence of living rough in the wilds. He shakes your hand and bows. 'My eternal thanks, Kai Lord. My powers are nearly drained. Had you not come to my aid, I fear I would have ended my days atop a Giak lance.'

He is weak and unsteady on his feet. You take his arm and sit him down upon a fallen pillar where you listen intently to what he has to say.

'My name is Banedon. I am journeyman to the Brotherhood of the Crystal Star, which is the Magicians' Guild of Toran. My Guildmaster has sent me to your monastery with this urgent message.' He removes a vellum envelope from inside his robes and hands it to you.

'As you see, I have opened the letter and read its contents. When the war started, I was on the highway with two travelling companions. The Kraan attacked us and we lost each other in the forest during our escape.'

The letter is a warning to the Kai Lords that the Darklords have mustered a vast army beyond the Durncrag range. The Guildmaster urges the Kai to cancel the celebrations of Fehmarn and prepare for war.

'I fear we were betrayed,' says Banedon, his head bowed in sorrow.

'One of my order, a brother called Vonotar, had explored the forbidden mysteries of the Black Art. Ten days ago he denounced the Brotherhood and killed one of our Elders. He has since disappeared. It is rumoured that he now aids the Darklords.'

You tell Banedon what has happened at the monastery, and of your mission to warn the King. Silently, he removes a gold chain from around his neck and hands it to you. On the chain is a small Crystal Star Pendant. 'It is the symbol of my Brotherhood, and we are both truly brothers in this hour of darkness. It is a talisman of good fortune--may it protect you on your road ahead.'

You thank him, place the chain around your neck and slip the Crystal Star inside your shirt.

Banedon bids you farewell. 'We must leave this place lest the Giaks return with more of their loathsome kind to put an end to us. I must return to my Guild. I bid you farewell, my brother. May the luck of the gods go with you.'

Wait...what? How about you come with me, mr I-can-kill-15-giaks-all-by-myself? Thanks for the letter and the necklace though. Asshat.

Turn to 293.

With a wave of his hand, Banedon leaves the ruins and you continue your mission, pushing on through the thick woods ahead. You have not gone far when you realize several pairs of yellow eyes are watching you from the undergrowth to your left. Suddenly, a black arrow skims the top of your head. It is a Giak ambush and you must run as fast as you can to escape it.

Turn to 281.

As you race through the trees you can hear the horrible cackle of the Giaks close behind you. Soon the trees start to thin out and directly ahead you can see a rocky hillside.

If you break cover and climb up the hill, turn to 311.

If you change direction and continue your run through the forest, turn to 77.

These Giaks mean business. They don't even have the decency to cackle whimsically or pleasantly. This cackling is horrible. Personally I think being out in the open is always the safest bet. Trees will often reach out and ensnare careless travelers. Plus there are probably bears in the forest. But I'm just the narrator. What do we do, guys?

Lone Wolf: North vs South

2008-07-07T10:23:00.004-04:00

We have chosen to venture north.

You have cut your way through the thick undergrowth for nearly half an hour when you hear the beat of wings high above the trees. Looking up you can just make out the shape of a Kraan approaching from the north. It is one of the monsters that attacked the monastery and on its back are two grey-skinned creatures armed with long spears.

These are Mountain Giaks--evil servants of the Darklords, full of hatred and malice. Many centuries ago, their ancestors were used by the Darklords to build the infernal city of Helgedad, which lies in the volcanic wastelands beyond the Durncrag range of mountains. The construction of the city was long and torturous and only the strongest of the Giaks survived the heat and poisonous atmosphere of Helgedad.

Hidden by the trees, you freeze, keeping absolutely still as the Kraan passes overhead and disappears towards the south. When you are sure that it has gone, you move off once again into the forest.

Turn to 131.

- They're searching for the precious!

You have covered about a quarter of a mile when you hear shouting and a noise like thunderclaps ahead. Edging nearer, you soon make out a clearing that you recognize to be the site of the ruins of Raumas, an ancient forest temple.

A war party of Giaks, some twenty-five to thirty strong, are attacking the ruins from all sides. Many more of the Giaks are dead or dying among the broken pillars of marble, but still they assault whatever is hidden inside. Suddenly, a bolt of blue lightning rips through the front rank of Giaks sending the armour-clad creatures tumbling in all directions. A Giak, taller than the others and dressed from head to foot in black chainmail, curses at his troops as he whips them forward with a barbed flail.

With weapon ready, you move to the edge of the clearing, under cover of the thick foliage, and try to catch a glimpse of the defenders. To your amazement, the ruins are being defended by a young man no older than yourself. You recognize his sky-blue robes, embroidered with stars. He is a young theurgist of the Magicians' Guild of Toran: an apprentice in magic.

Five Giaks charge forward, their spears raised to stab the apprentice as he hurriedly retreats deeper into the ruins. You see him turn and raise his left hand just before a bolt of blue flame shoots from his fingertips into the snarling Giak soldiers. Close to where you are hidden, you see a Giak scuttle past and climb one of the pillars of the temple. He has a long curved dagger in his mouth and he is about to jump on the young wizard standing below.

If you wish to shout a warning to the wizard, turn to 241.

If you wish to run forward and attack the Giak when he jumps, turn to 55.

If you wish to pick up a chunk of temple marble and throw it at the Giak's head, turn to 302.

Or if you would rather turn and leave the battle area, and run back into the woods, turn to 101.

Decisions, decisions. Yelling might just draw everyone's attention to us, which sucks. Then again we do have an unused axe and an unused mind with which to blast. Throwing a chunk of marble seems pretty good, and there is likely no possible way for it to fail. I once killed a possum by throwing a hammer at it from long range. Ranged attacks are infallable. Then again, maybe this is all none of our business. This ugly wizard guy needs to overcome his own challenges. If we just save him now, how will he learn any responsibility for his actions?

What to do?

Lone Wolf: The Journey Begins

2008-07-06T19:46:00.002-04:00

I've selected the skills. We now have:
- Camouflage and Sixth Sense as you guys both chose them.

- Weaponskill and Mindblast. These will help compensate for Cheeseburger's inadequate combat skill score. Plus blowing things up with your mind is too awesome to pass up. I rolled a 3 for Weaponskill, granting us +2 to our combat score when using a short sword.

- I went for Healing for the 5th and final skill. This Cheeseburger is a tank.

After rolling some dice, it seems we start out with the following inventory:
- An axe
- A sword (not short)
- 2 gold crowns

So it begins:

You must make haste for you sense it is not safe to linger by the smoking remains of the ruined monastery. The black-winged beasts could return at any moment. You must set out for the Sommlending capital of Holmgard and tell the King the terrible news of the massacre: that the whole élite of Kai warriors, save yourself, have been slaughtered. Without the Kai Lords to lead her armies, Sommerlund will be at the mercy of their ancient enemy, the Darklords.

Fighting back tears, you bid farewell to your dead kinsmen. Silently, you promise that their deaths will be avenged. You turn away from the ruins and carefully descend the steep track.

At the foot of the hill, the path splits into two directions, both leading into a large wood.

If you wish to use your Kai Discipline of Sixth Sense, turn to 141.

If you wish to take the right path into the woods, turn to 85.

If you wish to follow the left track, turn to 275.

- Time to utilize our newly-chosen Sixth Sense skill!

Your Sixth Sense has warned you that some of the creatures that attacked the monastery are searching the two paths for any survivors of their raid, but you can avoid both tracks by making your way through the undergrowth of the woods.

If you wish to head south, turn to page 56.

Or if you wish to cut through the heavier foliage towards the northeast, turn to page 333.

- Ok people! Northeast through the foliage or south through, um, the non-foliage? Choosing time!

Lone Wolf: Skill Up!

2008-07-05T19:03:00.005-04:00

It is time to build the character. To build the Lone Wolf, as it were. There's a little bit of back story that basically says that the bad guys came and burned down the monastery while you were out gathering firewood and picking tomatoes. Now we're pissed for vengeance and ready to retroactively decide how strong we are and what we learned at the monastery before heading out into the great beyond.

I rolled a d10 for my combat and endurance totals (screw the random number table.)
Combat is 10 + d10. We have a wussy 13 for combat skill. Combat is figured by subtracting your opponent's combat skill from your own, then using a chart to see how much damage you deal to each other in each round. The larger the discrepancy, the more skewed the damage is.

Endurance is 20 + d10. I rolled a 9 for a bitchin' 29 endurance. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

Here's where I need you guys. We need to choose skills. Pretending for a moment that you have no prior experience in the Lone Wolf universe, we need to come up with a consensus decision of 5 skills. LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.

Camouflage

This Discipline enables a Kai Lord to blend in with his surroundings. In the countryside, he can hide undetected among trees and rocks and pass close to an enemy without being seen. In a town or city, it enables him to look and sound like a native of that area, and can help him to find shelter or a safe hiding place. - There is value in not being seen.

Hunting

This skill ensures that a Kai Lord will never starve in the wild. He will always be able to hunt for food for himself except in areas of wasteland and desert. The skill also enables a Kai Lord to be able to move stealthily when stalking his prey. - Useful for locating food when you run out of Hot Pockets.

Sixth Sense

This skill may warn a Kai Lord of imminent danger. It may also reveal the true purpose of a stranger or strange object encountered in your adventure. - Nice and vague. Still, Jedi Sense sounds nice.

Tracking

This skill enables a Kai Lord to make the correct choice of a path in the wild, to discover the location of a person or object in a town or city and to read the secrets of footprints or tracks. - BC is endowed with this skill in the real world. I, however, am not.

Healing

This Discipline can be used to restore ENDURANCE points lost in combat. If you possess this skill you may restore 1 ENDURANCE point to your total for every numbered section of the book you pass through in which you are not involved in combat. (This is only to be used after your ENDURANCE has fallen below its original level.) Remember that your ENDURANCE cannot rise above its original level. - Regain endurace at a rate of 1 point per entry that doesn't have combat. Pretty useful.

Weaponskill

Upon entering the Kai monastery, each initiate is taught to master one type of weapon. If Weaponskill is to be one of your Kai Disciplines, pick a number in the usual way from the random number table and then find the corresponding weapon from the list below. This is the weapon in which you have skill. When you enter combat carrying this weapon, you add 2 points to your COMBAT SKILL. - + 2 combat skill with the selected weapon. Pretty straight-forward.

Mindshield

The Darklords and many of the evil creatures in their command have the ability to attack you using their Mindforce. The Kai Discipline of Mindshield prevents you from losing any ENDURANCE points when subjected to this form of attack. - Some people call this Occlumency.

Mindblast

This enables a Kai Lord to attack an enemy using the force of his mind. It can be used at the same time as normal combat weapons and adds two extra points to your COMBAT SKILL. Not all the creatures encountered on this adventure will be harmed by Mindblast. You will be told if a creature is immune. - Blowing people up with our minds? Fuck yes.

Animal Kinship

This skill enables a Kai Lord to communicate with some animals and to be able to guess the intentions of others. - Tree-hugging hippy crap.

Mind Over Matter

Mastery of this Discipline enables a Kai Lord to move small objects with his powers of concentration. - The ability to bend spoons with a single thought.

So which 5 skills should we take? And what should our name be? These are burning questions that burn with the need to be answered. The Kai Monastery Lord Guys must be avenged!

One last thing that needs saying: These books were written by Joe Dever and illustrated by Gary Chalk. Only the snarky comments are mine.

Getting More Like Your Parents Every Day

2008-07-03T20:44:00.000-04:00

I wrote a rant once. I know I did. I remember it fondly. It was about Mexican pizza. Or more to the point, it was about how to eat a Mexican pizza. I ranted about how when I was introduced to Mexican pizzas, it was by Couch, whom eats them without a utensil. I went on to talk about how I didn’t realize that other people ate them with sporks until several months later. However, after conforming to using a spork for awhile I decided to be a nonconformist and just use my hands. They taste much better that way. I spent a large chunk of today looking for this rant. I think the cyber gods have eaten it though. The closest I could come was a reply from Couch but it did not have the original message included. His reply was dated in August of 2002. That was pre-Trinity and pre-Rants from the Alright Guys. Oh well.

I was reminded of this rant today simply because today was Jadyn’s first time eating a Mexican pizza. He and I have had a food ordering issue at Taco Bell for a few months now. He can eat like 10 of those cheese roll-ups or 5 soft tacos (minus the lettuce please). I, however, do not like ordering that much crap. Especially when said child is never in line with me but sitting out of sight at a booth in case, Heaven forbid, someone comes in and takes every seat in the place. So, today I made him order “grown up” food. We discussed various things and he finally settled on trying a Mexican pizza. When I handed it to him, first he was upset because it was a hard shell…”can you order them with a soft shell?” (Don’t know, never tried…probably not). Then he started scraping the tomatoes off. Good thing Couch wasn’t with us after listening to him rant and rave for the last two months over nothing having tomatoes on it. I finally convinced him only to scrape off the pinkish ones since the red one were part of the pizza sauce. Then I went to unwrap his spork for him when I noticed that he was already picking the thing up with his hands. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it? This is a child who can’t stand to get his hands dirty. I did have to break it in half for him so he could handle it better, and he did eat parts of it with his spork, but for the most part, he ate it in such a way that would have made Couch proud.

An Indecent Proposal

2008-07-03T09:45:00.002-04:00

I've located a website wherein I may view, download and molest copies of the old Lone Wolf choose-your-own-adventure books. What I'm thinking of doing, if you guys are interested, would be to go through them on here with you guys voting on the major choices in the books and I can post the results and ongoing story, complete with play-by-play of course. A sort of play-by-mail without the effort. I saw this happen on a forum somewhere and it's pretty entertaining.

So post a reply if you guys are interested and we'll get started choosing skills, equipment and doing battles in the name of my wrongfully-slain Kai lord-guys from the monastery.

Book 1: Flight from the Dark. Rock it like it's 5th grade all over again.

The Dark Lord will Rise Once More

2008-06-28T12:20:00.002-04:00

Sick and Disturbing Tales: Chocolate

2008-06-26T09:09:00.001-04:00

I spent all day at the ocean yesterday, jumping wave. Its always fun at the time but damn does it hurt the next day. My back is killing me. And I'm the only one awake.

May 10th... Wow, it's been awhile since I posted anything. I should remedy that. I had a really good one about shit in my head a couple weeks ago but I forgot it. I can't even remember the premise. Just that it was about shit becuase as Bryan says, I always rant about shit. Ooo.. I think I know now. It started off from Two Girls One Cup. This probably won't be as organized as the original but eventually I'll get my spiders down the right path. If you've never seen this video, don't. For those of you who know me, if I'm telling you not to watch it, its gotta be really bad becuase usually I'm trying to polute your mind not keep it safe from harm.

2 Girls 1 Cup

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Hungry Bitches
Starring	Karla and Latifa
Distributed by	MFX-Media
Running time	62 minutes (film) 60 seconds (trailer)
Official website

2 Girls 1 Cup is a copy of the trailer for Hungry Bitches, a pornographic film produced by MFX-Media^[1]^[2], with the URL "2girls1cup.com" superimposed under the pre-existing text "MFX 1209" (the product code for Hungry Bitches). The trailer features two women defecating and vomiting into a cup, taking turns consuming the excrement, and vomiting into each other's mouths. Hervé Roy's "Lovers Theme"^[3] plays throughout.

It's pretty gross. A fellow tried to convince me that it wasn't really as gross as it looked becuase it was really chocolate and not poo. And that they sell chocolate flavored imitation shit that you can use a turkey baster and squirt up your ass so you can shit out chocolate. Somehow I couldn't see his point of view. In my mind, if it comes out of your ass regardless of how it got in there, its gonna taste like shit. This is why people don't go ass to mouth. It's not natural to like the taste of shit. Dogs likes shit. People don't. Hell the last time I fucked someone in the ass, when I pulled out my dick was brown. It didn't go in that way. My dick had come out of a nice beautiful tight ass (my personal favorite ass of all time as a matter of fact) and it still had turned into shit. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. But I wouldn't have put it in my mouth or anyone elses.

And then theres the vomit. Maybe its candied. Doesn't really matter. If it comes out of my stomach its not a good thing. Everyone has at one time or another thrown up a little in there mouth and gagged it down. It doesn't want to go back. It came up for a reason. I once ate my own vomit for a noble cause and it was every bit as gross and disgusting as one would expect. In fact, everytime I think about it, I vomit a little in my mouth.

I will say one good thing about the video. I am a pretty fucked up individual sometimes, but its good to know that I am a long ways from the top of that list.

I Cast Haste on the Family Cat Today

2008-05-31T18:33:00.001-04:00

Look at Bartleby go!

It's the end of May

2008-05-27T15:13:00.006-04:00

And here's what's happening in my world. Of Warcraft. Only not.

- I've started running a D&D game for a few people at work. Everyone's having a blast so far, I'm just running a canned adventure to start with. It's nice to be involved in the game again, but DMing is overall a big stinky pain in the ass and I'd much rather be playing. On a related note, Pasttime Hobbies has all their 3e/d20 books for half price right now. Lots of Eberron stuff. Big ones.

Filpula's goal Monday night was a thing of beauty.

- The Red Wings are up 2 games to 0 in the Stanley Cup Finals against Pittsburgh. It's been total domination so far, the Pens haven't scored a goal on us yet. I saw something in last night's game that made me lose a certain amount of respect for the Penguins organization in general. Johan Franzen played last night for the first time in a couple weeks. He's been leading the team in goals until he started missing games due to 'concussion-like symptoms.' Last night I saw Gary Roberts check Franzen and finish his check with a punch to the head. A little cheap and dirty, but not too unusual in such a rough, physical sport. A few minutes later I saw Ryan Whitney do the same thing, basically punching Franzen in the head more or less after the play was done. Considering the fact that this is against a guy in his first game back after concussion issues, I think this is cheap, dirty and classless. Head injuries aren't like other injuries, and going after someone's head could have long term career and health repercussions. You can say 'if his health is at risk, he shouldn't be out there' and that statement does have merit but it doesn't make the act any less despicable. Considering the 2 hits happened within about 10 minutes from 2 different players, I'm sure the coach ordered them. There are some lines I feel shouldn't be crossed to gain a competitive advantage.

- And now on to other important matters: Final Fantasy. Those of you who know me know that I don't really care for the Final Fantasy games* but I think I may have found a winner: Final Fantasy XII is really well done and fun, and hasn't pissed me off at all yet. I'm only about 10 hours in, but I may actually play, enjoy and finish one of the main Final Fantasy games for the first time ever.

Final Fantasy isn't supposed to be FUN. I want my money back.

- I'm attempting to squirrel away money for Gen Con, a task which is proving to be hard not unlike a dick. The brakes on my van were broken (PUN) but are now fixed. My furnace is broken and has yet be fixed. Mo money mo problems.

*The Final Fantasy Tactics games are an anomaly, technology bartered from alien races in exchange for cattle.

The Ghosts of Conventions Past

2008-05-17T12:39:00.009-04:00

It's that time of year again. Time to start waffling about whether or not we can make yet another Gen Con. Time for me to write emails and blog posts about how it's That Time of Year Again. Time for me to wax nostalgic about Gen Cons past. I'm a nostalgic sort of humanoid, I love reading and writing about retro gaming, rambling on about movies I like and going on about awesome things from the past in general. I'm not one of these people who thinks everything old is better than anything new, and everything new sucks because it is new. Not all SNES games were brilliant, not all PS3 games are bad and not all past Gen Cons were equal. I've been to 13 of them, so my memories are all entangled like a ball of Christmas lights. I'm going to try to untangle them now. Having the day off work helps. I'm listening to Tom Waits and writing about gaming, soon I'll be watching the Red Wings playoff game. Saturdays are good.

A playing mat full of artists signatures and sketches from Gen Con 95

1995:

- Tom's only Con
- Seeing people dressed like GWAR, thinking they were dorks then finding out later that it really was GWAR.
- Staying at the Milwaukee Hilton with strangers
- Playing a 12 man melee game of magic in front of the elevator and quitting after one person lost (Tom was glad to point out that everybody won except him)
- Teaching Dan Frazier to play Magic poolside at the Hilton (he used my white weenie deck.)
- Walking in a skywalk, seeing a man on the street below drop a bunch of money, then running down and dodging traffic while chasing dollar bills in the streets

1996:
- Couch's first Gen Con
- Staying at some college campus and riding the city bus, which is awful
- Buying a bunch of Magic cards from Shoebox Man at highly discounted prices
- Our big wooden luggage sled thing. We had number 639, and after we duct-taped over the 3 it became our mascot - Rolly Sled 69.

SMASH.jpg

1997:
- This year was Couch and I at another campus, this time University of Marquette. Within walking distance of MECCA but just barely so.
- Couch knows Milwaukee like the back of his hand. Or does he?
- The sinister destruction of stuffed animals we acquired from Tilt. Absolutely terrible cleanup.
- Stop-motion wombats and twinkies video. As badass as it sounds.

1998:
- Goodbye MECCA, hello Midwest Express Center
- Couch, Billy and Jimbob at the Park East Hotel
- The Alright Guy Flag is born
- We should not give the flag to Billy, even if we are sick of carrying it.
- Flashing the cars, passersby and the hotel across the street with Jimbob's red laser light thingy. Rebel rebel!
- We attend the Unglued world premier tournament, Couch wins a Timetwister for being nuts. Fun as hell.

Smash.jpg

1999:
- Jimbob and I back at the University of Marquette dorms
- Playing Euchre with Carl and Terry who were down the hall from us
- The Rule of Two is born thanks to the man who had 2 rakes and his co-worker who had none
- Waking up in the middle of the night to find Jimbob sitting at the foot of my bed, playing Theme Hospital on the Playstation

2000:
- Couch, Jimbob and I staying at a hotel in a little suburb called Davison
- Hitting oranges with a baseball bat inside our hotel room and waiting 3 days to clean it off the walls and ceiling. And some of my favorite AG dialogue during Orange Ball:
"Where did that one go?"
"EVERYWHERE!!!"

2001:
- The same 3 of us at the Hotel Wisconsin (AKA The Dhamer Hotel)
- An evangelist preaches in front of the local mall, gets handcuffed, arrested and taken away while we laugh and take pictures.
- I hit Jimbob in the balls with a key lime, which is fun
- I believe this is the year we left the decapitated stuffed animals in the room and made the cleaning staff cry

Four guys and a toilet.

2002:
- BC joins Jimbob, Couch and myself making a formidable lineup
- Jimbob wins the poker tournament, netting a free badge for himself and free hotel room for all of us at Gen Con 03

2003:
- So long Milwaukee, hello Indianapolis
- Free, nice hotel across the street from the convention center. Hard to top that.
- Dipping our heads in the fountain to cool off
- Playing D&D poolside at the hotel complete with pizza and Mountain Dew

The Tuesday before Gen Con is a bad day to be a TV.

2004:
- Kat's first year joining us at the convention
- Another TV smashing session yields a classic pic and video of Jimbob putting a splitting maul through a television screen
- Our first year investigating the auction house
- Our first time actually damaging hotel property ("we" broke a picture frame in the room)

2005:
- We were nuts and had a good time, though there were no outstanding stories that I can recall. The Official Recap can be found here

2006:
- Couch, Jimbob, BC and I again
- We went this year
- I'm sure we had a good time
- I can't remember a damn thing. At this point we were no longer playing Magic and kind of in Limbo as far as what to do at the convention
- Actually, I do remember a damn thing: this year we discovered a nuts little game called Apple to Apples. What's humorous? Tidal waves, Schindler's List and Waco Texas, that's what.

The Catan table at the Mayfair Games booth

2007:
- BC, Jimbob, Kat and I made the voyage this year
- This year we kind of relaxed and took everything slow, and we had a great time
- Kat and I spent an afternoon running the Catan demo table at the Mayfair games booth; the four of us played Catan in the hotel by night
- Jimbob got thrown in the Klingon jail and had to sing
- We met D&D co-creator Gary Gygax at The Ram restaurant.

The Cartoon Nightmare is No More

2008-05-13T17:09:00.006-04:00

Movies and entertainment have come a long way over the years. Special effects and animation in particular have advanced along with computer technology. Maybe it's the cranky, nostalgic old man in me, but CGI really doesn't impress me anymore and actually I'm pretty damn tired of it. I thought it was pretty bitchin' in Lord of the Rings when the Ring was cut from Sauron, and that big blast wave knocked all the make-believe orcs, elves and men over sure, but now I think CGI is just over-used and makes movies cartoonish.

Bring back Terry Gilliam!

The original Star Wars trilogy has charm even now, largely because they had to bust their asses, using smoke and mirrors to make everything look as realistic as they could. In the new trilogy, are there any scenes where the actors aren't standing in front of a blue screen doing their lines? That makes it much harder for an actor to deliver their lines in a convincing manner. Well, that and the casting for Star Wars was great in the original trilogy and fairly abysmal for the new ones, but that's another story. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher had pluck. I think Ewan McGregor did a great job, but Hayden Christensen has no charisma and don't even get me started on goddamn Natalie Portman. But anyhow...

I was watching the movie 300 at a friend's house and there was a scene where a boy was facing down a huge, horrifying CGI dog, and it was not interesting or dramatic to me at all. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that I play a lot of video games, but I feel like I'm watching a video game during CGI-heavy movies. This isn't to mention poorly-done CGI scenes - nothing takes you out of the moment quicker than a crappy CGI scene. Remember that scene in The Matrix: Reloaded when Neo is fighting all the Smiths? Pretty cool scene until Keanu Reeves launched himself up in the air and everyone in the theater sat up and thought "wait!....that doesn't look right!"

Movie magic!

I like the new Star Wars trilogy, and I like a lot of movies that have some CGI but there's something lost in these types of films for me. That undefinable human quality, what the french call a certain I don't know what.

And a few random notes:

- It's shaping up to be Detroit vs Pittsburgh in the NHL finals. That would be a matchup of my 2 favorite hockey teams and one hell of a good series.

- We're watching that show where a family pays a guy to break into their house, then shows them how to secure it. This is the only sort of reality TV I can get into.

- For the first since I've moved out of my parents' place, we have a dog. He's a miniature shnauzer named Baxter. It's a brave new world.

Go away, pretend dog-wolf thingy guy.

Cable Guy Life: "I wanna remote!"

2008-05-10T12:31:00.001-04:00

So here it is ten to noon on a Saturday and I'm doing Jagerbombs. I love my day off. Figured I'd reminice about a job I did yesterday while its still fresh in my mind. I bitch a lot about old people and cable. Thats becuase some of the fancier cable toys like internet, DVR's, and digital phone are often too complex for them, and since customer education is one of the biggest parts of our job, old people are a pain in the dickhole. Until yesterday I thought old people were the worst. I was wrong.

I get ahead of schedual around noon and picked up three easy jobs. Basic/standard hookups. That means no special equipment. Its just your TV and my cable line. In other words, no education required. The first one went perfect. In and out in 15 minutes. $11 to me.

On the second one, at about 2:30, I called the customer to let him know I was about 10 minutes away. He said he was on his way back and would be there in a bout 15 minutes. I got there about 2:40, hooked everything up from the outside and was done by 2:45. At 3:00 the mother fucker finally showed up. His car died in the parking lot and I helped push him into a spot. And then he says "just a minute I have to get the keys" and goes walking off without signing my stuff. FUCKER! 25 fucking minutes later and several unanswered phonecalls he returns. And then signs my stuff at 3:30. A very long $11 to me.

On the third one it was an elderly retarded couple. By retarded I mean actually short bus ridin, window lickin, "I got mail YEAHHHH" retarded. The woman was a squasher. The male was in a wheel chair. I was holding my clipboard and reached out to shake his hand when I realized he didn't have one. Just a stump. This after just finishing a conversation with our dispatch supervisor about how guys with no hands are better at fisting. BLEAHHH! That was awkward. So I do the install. Have to run all new lines. And the lady asks for a remote. We do have universal remotes. They work with our digital and DVR boxes. On a TV they only turn it on and off, adjust the volume, and sometimes will change the input source. They will not, under any circumstance change the channel on a TV or VCR.
"They said you have remotes. I wanna remote for my TV."
"Ma'am, our remotes don't control TV's."
"They said you have remotes. I wanna remote for my TV!"
"I can't help you ma'am."
"I WANNA REMOTE! I wanna remote for my TV and I wanna watch movies on my vcr."
"Well I can set up your VCR, but I don't have any remotes for either your TV or your VCR."
"I WANNA REMOTE! I WANNA REMOTE!" etc etc etc.

Needless to say I didn't get a tip.

Sick and Disturbing Tales: The Mile High Club

2008-04-28T14:38:00.001-04:00

Normally I'd start out with a little story that leads up to the end, but as the title should pretty much tell you exactly where its going to end I figured I'd start by giving some background info first.

Everyone has something that comforts them. Some people eat chocolate, others listen to music. My wife sits by water, goes for a drive, or sneaks a cigarette. All comforting things. I only really have two things that comfort me. And for those that know me well they may seem out of place or they might make perfect sense. Sunlight is the first. I love to be warmed by sunlight. I could tan professionally if someone would pay me to. The other is human contact. I'm not real picky about the who's what's or where's of it, but I do really enjoy the feel of human skin. It's this second comfort that leads into this tale...

As some of you know, I've been out of town a lot lately. And it doesn't look like I'm going to get a reprieve from it anytime soon. My most recent trip was a three dayer to Portland Oregon. Or as I know like to call it, "the city without a sun." Three days without sunlight is bad for me. Flying in Southwests fucking uncomfortable plane for 8 hours isnt much better. Especially since they don't do meals.

My flight to Portland I had icky people next to me on both planes. The kind of people Olma Peterson (or Dutch) would take one look at and vomit. The flight home was again a two parter. The first to Las Vegas when I sat to a nasty old guy who spent about $40 in alcohol on the 2 hour flight. At $4 a glass, well you do the math. The next plane looked to be the same. I got a window seat and a really creepy guy sat down in the aisle seat. So creepy infact that the entire plane filled up and noone would sit in the only available seat between us. I was thinking I might actually not have to sit right next to anyone for a change. Then she came on. A late passenger. A hot mixed (latino/white i think) army gal. heading for Ft. Bragg. She surveyed the plane saw the only seat available was next to the creepy guy and looked sympathetically at me with some very cute little puppy dog eyes. I smiled but I wasn't moving for anyone. She sat between us and said hi. After a short exchange and her trying to sleep sitting straight up she asked if itd be alright if she leaned against me. I was leaning against the window. Both of us draped in airplane blankets, I nodded a yes and went back to sleep.

As we slept, I felt the skin of her arm against mine. It was soft and comforting. A nice change from the weekend. In my half dazed sleepiness I moved against it like a cat against a leg. And eventually fell into a deeper sleep.

After sometime I slowly awoke to the sensation of a hand on my penis. Slowly stroking it under the blanket. Nothing hard, just gentle light touches. It was so enjoyable I stayed in my half slumber for a while longer not wanting it to stop. Knowng I had joined the Mile High Club (a minor fantasy but one of mine nonetheless) I finally fully came too. Only to realize she was still sound asleep and it was my hand doing the rubbing. Thank God I had a flight blanket over me.

Butt Johnson

2008-04-18T14:56:00.007-04:00

The other day on the internet, I happened upon the drawing shown below (I found it using Stumble Upon, an awesome add-on for Firefox.) I made it my desktop wallpaper and today I happened to wonder who drew it. I looked in the bottom corner and saw the name "Butt Johnson." I squinted my eyes, shook my head, got up, walked around a bit and came back. Yep, I did see that right. Butt Johnson.

I googled the name and immediately came up with his website. It's very bare-bones, with very little apart from a gallery of his drawings. Apart from the above drawing of the video game controllers and the such (which I absolutely love) there are a few mishmashes of classic art and eighties cartoons. Below are a few of my favorites.

By the power of Greyskull!

Surveying the carnage

Classic good vs evil

I recommend visiting his website and browsing his stuff. There are Teletubbies with cocks and everything! With a name like Butt Johnson, you knew he had to be Nuts.

Dear PC Gaming

2008-04-05T10:51:00.005-04:00

We've had a lot of good times, haven't we? When I got my first PC in 1997, it was exciting. Apart from the thrill of dialup internet, email (my first Hotmail account that Jimbob set up for me) and instant messaging (ICQ, anyone?) there was a huge library of games out there. I brought my first PC home along with Baldur's Gate and Magic the Gathering. There were growing pains, of course. I remember Jimbob explaining IDE cables to me over AIM and Couch having my PC strewn all over the floor of my parents' dining room, but overall it's been great.

I have fond memories of LAN parties and all-day gaming sessions at Jimbob's place. We'd fire up Age of Empires II, Starcraft or Warlords: Battlecry II, run network cables all over the house (sorry Pam) and we'd drink Mountain Dew and game all day. There were a great many late night sessions of Diablo II over Battlenet as well. Then I found the Sims, which ate up a huge chunk of my free time. The last huge time consuming mess was World of Warcraft, but since then I've been gaming on consoles almost exclusively (mostly the Xbox 360 lately.) This is due, at least in part, to the fact that I don't game with my freinds anymore, which means realtime strategy games are pretty much no fun. I bought Rise of Nations which was great, but single player RTS games don't really do it for me.

Warlords II: multiplayer goodness.

Between the great titles available on consoles and the lack of compelling PC titles (Spore is the only one on my radar) it's time for us to take a break, PC gaming. Well, that's not the only reason. You see, you're a big pain in the ass. When I buy a game for a console, I take it home, open and put it in and it works. Now, I recently bought Heroes of Might and Magic V for the PC. It was finally available for super cheap, so I picked it up. I opened it (4 discs) and installed it. It got to 100% complete, then sat there and did nothing. I closed it with task manager, then the game wouldn't play correctly. Nor would it uninstall correctly. I had to go into the registry, delete all the Heroes V entries, then go into Program Files and delete the folder. After reinstalling the game, it still wouldn't run. It would load and then just sit there. After downloading and running the patches (6 of them) still nothing. I updated my video card drivers, reinstalled and still no dice.

Installation? Patches? Crashes? Compatibility problems? I don't need you.

I'll always love you, PC gaming. We have a lot of great memories and I'll never forget you. But it can't go on like this. We just need some time apart. When I'm with you, I just think about how my 360 doesn't give me headaches the way you do. I'm sure one day we'll be together again, but until that day comes you need to go fuck yourself.

Deckard Raiseing the ROOF

2008-04-03T09:55:00.001-04:00

At first I thought this was going to be a real audio bit, but after listening to it I determined that it is either ligitimately done by voice actor Michael Gough, or a VERY good fake. If you've never played any of the Diablo games, this movie will make no sense at all.

Stop Motion Kwame

2008-03-26T09:40:00.000-04:00

I love stop motion video...

Bryan Maxwell has Nothing Better to Discuss

2008-03-22T16:46:00.010-04:00

This past week, Franklin the God of Chance has finally seen fit to drop a bookshelf into our laps. This is both a wonderful and terrible event, as my excuse for leaving the front room a mess has been taken away. Until now, this has been The Storage Room, aka the room where we throw all the shit that doesn't really belong anywhere. I'd like to turn this into a gaming room of both the roleplaying and boardgaming persuasions. Not sure how often this would be used, but I'd still like to do it.

Anyhow, the room is still a mess, but I managed to occupy the bookshelf with the majority of our books. Now, lucky reader, is your opportunity for a virtual tour of our bookshelf. We begin at the highest shelf of the tower, also known as the zenith of the bookshelf. Sometimes known as the top shelf. Strap yourself in!

Shelf A: Zenith

The main attraction here is the Harry Potter books. We have books 1-5 which were already out when I got into the series, and books 6 & 7 which I bought on release day. Mixing hardcovers and paperbacks is emotionally distressing for me. Also here we have Messages from Micheal 1 & 2, books gifted to me from Hellwoman. These are about the soul's journey through past, present and future lives, psychic stuff and other supernatural/spiritual phenomena. We als have the idiot's guide to zen living, a very good read filled with good guidelines for living that I am too lazy to follow. And of course, what library would be complete without the Big Book of Conspiracies? A few remnants of my Magic playing days make me feel all nostalgic and round out shelf A.

Shelf B: Shoehorn

Shelf B contains my Stephen King books and Anne Rice books, the vast majority of which were read between 6th and 12th grade. I read Bag of Bones while I was attending SC4. Basically, when placed in a situation where I'm held captive with nothing to do but read, I'll pick up a paperback. Otherwise, not likely. Apart from the Harry Potter series and I am Legend, I've read very few books since high school. There are a lot of classics here: The Stand, Four Past Midnight (my first King book,) and Needful Things are my favorites. For Anne Rice, I loved the Mayfair chronicles and the first 5 books in the vampire chronicles (except Queen of the Damned) and Memnoch the Devil is the best of that bunch. Behind this layer of horror/smut are many magazines, mostly back issues of PC Gamer, Electronic Gaming monthly, The Duelist and a few Gen Con programs. I like magazines, I like my reading to be bite-sized. Like my ravioli.

Shelf C: Deliverance

Codename Deliverance is the shelf where my inherent coolness really begins to show itself. Strategy guides of various usefulness can be seen here. They range from shit I got for a penny at work but have never used (Neverwinter Nights 2 Worldbuilder guide, Final Fantasy I & II,) shit that wasn't nearly as useful as I'd hoped it would be (Civ III, Starcraft) and shit that I've used the hell out of (Final Fantasy Tactics, Dragon Quest VIII.) Behind the layer of strat guides are my Lone Wolf and Grey Star books (22 in all.) Sadly, I lost my big Magnamund Companion book I used to have. Jimbob's collection is a little more extensive than mine. Lurking here as well are a few Magic novels, Star Wars novels and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Anyone wanna play "which thing doesn't belong?"

Shelf D: Atonement

This book is a mix of things that make me feel intellectual for owning, such as Walden, Emily Dickinson's poetry, and the Count of Monte Cristo. These are shuffled up amongst other brain busting books about Metallica, Pearl Jam and Nine Inch Nails. You can also spot Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Hound of the Baskervilles. I fucking love Sherlock Holmes stories, stashed amongst the Lone Wolf books on shelf C are The complete Sherlock Holmes chronicles. I love mysteries, and I adore the setting. As a gaming nerd I'd love to see an adventure/RPG type game set in early 20th century London. Oh yeah, Lord of the Rings is also on this shelf. The movies are among my favorites, but the book was a fucking chore.

Shelf E: Behemoth

This is where all the big'uns go. Most of these came from the bargain area of Barnes & Noble or Waldenbooks. The huge books tend to be too expensive to pay full price for. Again we have a mixed bag: some Calvin & Hobbes and Foxtrot (my favorite comic strips,) a ginormous book about Monty Python, the Book of the Subgenius and Revelation X, the art book that Billy stole and gave to me at Gen Con in '98 alongside the art book I bought from Dan Frazier. Oh, and if you need to know anything about cats or aquarium fish, I'm the guy.

I was going to keep linking things, then got tired of it. The End. Here's a bonus picture from some old Dragon Warrior strategy guides:

The magic keys unlock secrets!

Erik Sofge has Nothing Better to Discuss

2008-03-15T15:26:00.000-04:00

I go on MSN news every morning. I typically only read the articles that catch my attention. Although I will always tackle their Peculiar Posts. I love reading those. It's like a never ending fountian of Darwin awards. Who doesn't want to read about a lady in Kansas that sat on a toilet for two years. This shit is BANANAS!

I recently saw this link.. Slate: D&D morally corrupt

When I first started playing D&D after high school. My parents weren't players, but they had heard of the stigma. My mom would ask when I was leaving the house if I was "Off to kill cats again." Strangly enough she never stopped me when I answered "Yes." I ended up coming up with the term, "Cat Killing D&D." This is the kind of D&D that exists in the minds of non-gamers. Where the group gets together and plays by the light of the moon, occasionally lighting a candle and playing scary music. Closest I ever came to that was playing Magic at Ginzel's when the power went out.

I read this guy's article. I didn't get it. He basically accuses gamers of insensitivity and cruelty to Orcs. Gamers are murderous greedy monsters. D&D is also antiquated and table gaming is inferior to video gaming. His ideas reminded me of that church pamphlet denouncing D&D. Definately some cat killing D&D going on there. I also read the discussion posts. Basically they all tend to flame him for Gamer Hate. Then I read the article by Neil Stevens that picked it apart.

Now for a few reasons, I don't think our pal Erik is a gamer. I think he's had some exposure beyond the typical cat killing concept, but I don't think he ever played with a good group of people. He only ever points out the most common of enemies and plot ideas. His views are pretty simplestic.

Those that have played with a good group are the ones that see the Cat Killing style as funny because it's so off. Even the church comic I find hilarious. Especially where the girl's face begins to look like some kind of pit demon.

D&D WILL MAKE YOU UGLY!

I did a quick Google search on Erik Sofge. It seems he did a lot of small article writing in Popular Mechanics and now has made a transition into Slate. I figure he's trying to gain popularity in the media by causing a stir. It seems to have been his schtick for a while given all his articles seem to get flames in their discussion boards. What better way to cause a stir then to mess with the only sub-culture that mainstream society really doesn't care about. He punches gamers, gamers get pissed and raise an alarm. Media gets somewhat involved. Nobody cares since it's gamers. Erik Sofge gets his name out there. No fallout.

The odd thing is why MSN would promote his Slate article. Microsoft itself sells to gamers with a full line of video games and has it's own console system in the xBox. Even if the target was table gamers, it's a forgone conclusion that a table gamer is probably also a video gamer. Why would Microsoft want to alienate it's customer base? My guess is they don't, and our pal Erik might find that out the hard way.

For Erik Sofge finally his 15 minutes of fame has come. History is about to record his existance. Erik Sofge is a small time writer that nobody has really ever heard about. He's also a dick. If you feel like watching someone tazer him, here you go.

Cable Guy Life: The Keys

2008-03-12T20:24:00.001-04:00

As some of you know, I spent the last 6 weeks in the Florida Keys doing an audit for Comcast. And I'll probably be going back for a couple weeks in April. Bill Hicks once quoted how much he would love to see California flushed in to the sea by an earthquake like the terd it is. For me, its Florida. I hate Florida. Its where old people go to die. I despise old people. Fuckin hate them. I hate the way they talk, the way the smell, and the way they tell their stupid fuckin stories 8 times back to back as if I give a fuck.

We were doing what is called a B1 audit. Basically going to every house that is subscribed to basic cable and making sure that they are only getting basic cable. Basic cable is BASIC. It only includes the local channels and some home shopping network bullshit. When we find someone who is getting more then basic, we take all the extra stuff away and leave them our phone number in case they have any questions or wish to upgrade for more money. In most systems, this is constantly being done so it only really finds the ones who are stealing. This was the first time it had ever been done in the Keys. 25+ years of cable and numerous hurricanes that had never been checked. On an average audit you can expect 1-5% to be stealing. We found 70%.

People have a hard time excepting when something they've been getting for free for so long is taken away from them. Old people are even worse. I don't watch TV, not even basic. So when a fuckin 90 yr old lady tells me she can't afford that on her social security checks and shes in tears cuz shes not gonna get her weather channel anymore you can guess how much sympathy I have. "Too bad, so sad, ya want it or not?" Fortunately for me Comcast frowns upon people who are stealing cable so they gave me some liberties as to how I dealt with their customers. You'd be surprised how many people will take the weather channel over being able to pay their bills. Old people are stupid.

I also got the pleasure of auditing an area in Key Largo called Ocean Reef Club . This is a large resort that requires a $100,000.00 a year membership fee. If you’ve ever had to deal with someone who is ridiculously wealthy, chances are they have a home here. This one small section of Key Largo is home to the largest collection of asshats and fucktards the world has ever seen. The most common response up there was how big of an asshole I was and how they were going to sue me. Yeah, sue me for taking away their stolen cable. My response was “well, I’m documenting it as stolen. This is your warning. If you’d like to continue this I’m sure I can move the process along a little faster and I can get an officer and came back tomorrow.” Oddly enough, rich people who have no fear of the law, do have a fear of bad publicity. I threatened more then a few and was a crank yankers customer service rep to a great many others. I do hope that the next hurricane wipes away that little piece of hell and send all of its members floating into the sea. God knows all those old money faggots couldn’t swim if their life depended on it. Which reminds me… Q. What does a 70 year old snatch smell like?

Depends.

Anyways, I will likely be going back there in April to the middle Keys and Key West. I’ve been told there’s more locals there and less old assfucks. Either way it’s damn good money to tell people to fuck off. Fun Fun Fun.

Red the Dinosaur

2008-03-11T15:17:00.003-04:00

Red the Dinosaur was the king of the prehistoric age. He was a fucking beast. He had Wings, Teeth, acid spit, & firebreathing. You screwed with red, you were hamburger, no way around it.

You may say, "I've never heard of Red." Well, that's your oversight. Red is about as renown as T-Rex, Dilopasaurus, and Teridactile combined. He ruled the dinosaur kingdom with an iron fist. He was the Chuck Norris of his day. You want pain.. Here comes Red the Dinosaur.

Now, some experts believe that Red was actually the reason for the extinction of the other dinosaurs, he then died of old age, bordom, and acid reflux. Personally I think Red is still out there. Waiting.. Waiting for his moment to smash his way up from the earth's core and attack the world again.

BEWARE... BEWARE OF RED THE DINOSAUR!!

I watch children's TV now

2008-03-08T08:02:00.008-05:00

Watching inane TV shows comes with being a parent it seems. Daughter gets a couple of hours of Disney in the morning. These shows vary in quality.

Handy Manny is probably the best of the bunch. Manny and a bunch of anthropomorphic tools (You break it - we fix it!) go around the small town of Sheetrock Falls fixing things for people, speaking some Spanish and being good citizens. It's a nifty little show that doesn't annoy me. It also makes me happy when I hear Fred Willard or the lady that plays Rosario on Will & Grace on the show.

The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is about in the middle of the pack. It's not bad, it's just kind of there. Mickey comes on at the beginning and sings a demonic chant to the devil to summon the clubhouse from the depths of hell, then Mickey is granted 4 tools which will be used to solve a dilemma on the show. These dilemmas often involve Pete, the big...animal-manbearpig thing that will occasionally try to fuck with their day. The odd part of the show is the song and dance at the end. All the characters dance and sing the hot-dog hot-dog hot-diggity-dog song. It's an odd fit for Mickey, but it's his show I guess.

The Little Einsteins seemed harmless enough at first, but the more I see the show the more I am convinced that it is created by harpies, gremlins and imps in a deep dark cave inside a twisted, dank swamp somewhere. Probably Hell or New Jersey. Each episode features a piece of classic artwork and a classical tune. I'm afraid that somewhere there are parents that think this helps make their kids smarter or more cultured or something. The shows are always stupid, mindless shit even for a kids show. They'll run around singing something dumb to the classical music selected for that show. Maybe it's that it has children singing that bothers me. Maybe the fact that it introduces kids to the concept of catchphrases is the problem. Everytime the little black boy exclaims "I CAN NOT BE-LIEVE IT!" I want to reach into the TV and slap him. I just can't put my finger on the exact cause of my hatred for this show. HARPIES AND GREMLINS.

Winnie the Pooh is now a Super Sleuth along with Tigger and Darby (the replacement for Christopher Robin.) Darby, her dog Buster and Lumpy the heffalump are the only new members of the Hundred Acre Woods, all the regulars from the old Pooh cartoons are here except for I think there was an owl that has been evicted. They hang out in the woods until someone flashes the bat signal in the sky, then they go and rescue whoever is being beaten/mugged/lost something etc. This show is pretty good for what it is, though it makes me miss the old animated series. Pooh is now CGI? Say it ain't so.

There is evil in the world, kids. Real, tangible evil. Evil that kills kittens and babies. Human muppets singing and dancing. Words for this show fail me. Devil, Doodlebops be thy name.

In other news, I've had the week off from work which has been fantastic. I've largely spent the time doing nothing, which is awesome. I've been playing Culdcept Saga (which none of my friends play) and Assassin's Creed, which is probably the nicest looking game I've ever seen but a little frustrating to play.

One of you is marked for death.

Grandfather of Gaming Passes Away

2008-03-04T19:30:00.003-05:00

Today is a sad day. Gary Gygax, who co-created the fantasy game Dungeons & Dragons and helped start the role-playing phenomenon, died Tuesday morning at his home in Lake Geneva. He was 69.

May he always roll a critical hit.

Dr. Brown is a Hippocrate

2008-02-28T10:52:00.004-05:00

It took a long time for this to hit me. You always think of Doc Brown as a good guy. You always thought he had the best interests of the space time continuium in mind. A handyman, an inventory, one hell of a model american.

Back to the Future 2 was full of irritating moments. None were really terrible inconsistencys. The "chicken" ordeal pissed me off. It wasn't like he was ever called a chicken in the first movie, so it wasn't an inconsistency, it was just a dumb addition. The whole chicken plotline felt like it was unnessessary.

Back to the future 2 also showed the flying DeLorean in more depth. The concept of flying cars fascinates many people. I was far more willing to accept this over the chicken.

During Marty's walk around Hill Valley 2015, he spots a billboard sporting Goldie Wilson III. Nothing wrong here, you'd think he'd be running for Mayor. But no, he sells Hover Conversions. Cost? Only $39,999.95. Maybe these economics make sense in the future. Good for Goldie. Doesn't seem like it bothered the folks jamming the skyway later that day. You gotta assume his prices are competitive.

How did Doc Brown, a man keeping a low profile from the past, afford a $40000 upgrade to his Time Machine? According to Marty in B2TF 3, He tells Doc Brown from 1955 that they "Had it done" rather than "We did it ourselves." Where did he get the money? I'd imagine a new head of hair and a change of blood wasn't cheap either. WHERE OH WHERE DID THE MONEY COME FROM???

My guess would be gambling. That Hippocrate Doc Brown kicked Marty's ass for the Almanac idea, but Doc himself had already bent the rules to get a flying car and new hemoglobin. We get it doc, your Time Machine, do as you say not as you do... Maybe you robbed a Ziphead in Hilldale. I don't know. But it's out now.. Doc brown altered the future, the past, and got his perfect life on the back of the innocent.

Bring Forth the Pastafarians

2008-02-26T09:10:00.004-05:00

Been a while since I posted anything. I thought I'd share something I recently was given at work to look over. Beneath the sillyness, I thought there was an underlying message that really made sense. But I can't tell you what it is. You must learn it for yourself.

A man by the name of Bobby Henderson in Kansas, upset by his state board of education's descision to promote the concept of Intelligent Design, developed a concept called the Flying Speghetti Monster. His point was that the concept of intelligent design is a religeous concept and schools were supposed to not teach such things. The wiki sight has a full and complete explanation for this. A decent read to say the least.

Game Review: Portal (The Orange Box)

2008-01-26T08:32:00.000-05:00

This post contains some spoilers about Portal, which won't matter to anyone reading this except for maybe BC, and he's totally okay with it.

Portal is a puzzle game (for the Xbox 360, PC and Playstation 3) and it is an oddity in the genre for a number of reasons:

- It is a first person shooter. The game is played in first person perspective and full of running, jumping and shooting but there are no enemies.

- It is genuinely funny. Seriously, Portal made me laugh more than anything I've seen on TV in a long time.

- It is really fun. Enough said.

Just a reminder, kids: playing video games will make you a bloodthirsty, psychotic sex predator.

Portal places you in the role of a test subject being run through a series of puzzles hosted by the Aperture Science corporation. The tests are monitored by a supercomputer named GLaDOS, and GLaDOS is fucking hilarious. Seriously, Portal has more personality than many RPGs. You are equipped with a gun which is capable of firing an orange portal and a blue portal. Whatever goes into the orange portal comes out the blue portal and vice versa. So for example, if you were faced with a 10-foot pit you would shoot a portal onto the wall on the other side, then create another portal at your feet and *poof!* - you're across the pit. The puzzles are, of course, a lot more complex than this involving direction and momentum. As GLaDOS tells you "Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out."

As the puzzles become progressively more difficult, GLaDOS becomes increasingly psychotic. And while the puzzles are initially harmless, they start becoming dangerous as well. Around the 8th puzzle or so, the computr tells you "Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death." You also have to deal with laser turrets in later stages. Of course, throughout the game GLaDOS reassures you that the testing will be followed by grief counseling and cake.

I am Jack's crazy puzzles.

One of the puzzles consists of several rooms with buttons that have to be held down. At the beginning of this puzzle, the game gives you a large block with a little heart painted in the center of it (you know, so you'll get attached to it.) This block is your Weighted Companion Cube, and you have to take it with you throughout the stage and, at the end of the stage, you have to put it in the incinerator to proceed. But that's all ok says GLaDOS because "While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you." Eventually though, GLaDOS does try to kill you and tries to hide that fact when you escape with a "Oh!.....congratulations on completing this exercise where we pretended we were trying to murder you! You will now be escorted to the control room where there is a party waiting for you. Please assume the partygoing position by laying your gun on the floor, and lying flat on your back with your arms at your sides. A party representative will be along shortly to bring you to the party where you will be given cake. If you do not assume the partygoing position, you cannot attend the party."

You eventually escape the testing environment and have to track down GLaDOS somewhere in the building, while being taunted all along. "There was even going to be a party for you. A big party, that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: "Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned." Shall NOT be mourned. That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny, too." says GLaDOS.

The Weighted Companion Cube: gone but not forgotten.

And even as you're destroying GLaDOS, she's still going on: "You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... Ten. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE!" The ending credits leave some hope for a sequel in the form of a little song called Still Alive, wherein GLaDOS tells you that she is still alive and, after you're dead and buried she will be still alive. Portal was initially almost an afterthought within The Orange Box, which includes a huge amount of content (Half-Life 2, HL2 episodes 1 & 2, and Team Fortress 2 along with Portal.) Portal's only crime is that it's relatively short and can be finished within a few hours. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though, as the game's length is long enough to be substantial but it doesn't wear out its welcome. Portal is one of the best games of 2007.

Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy

2008-01-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Mario is the most recognizable mascot in the gaming world. Nintendo's Mario games are always very well done and well received, and they count on the Mario franchise (along with Zelda and Metroid) to sell systems. My epic top 50 games list had 4 Mario titles, and if I were to remake it, it would probably have to have a 5th one added.

Cute.

Galaxy is simply a joy to play. It is colorful, easy to pick up, and challenging without being frustrating. Most impressive of all, it manages to be both familiar and innovative at the same time. The way the game plays with gravity puts a welcome twist on the 3d platforming formula, and it's got the usual brilliant level design we've come to expect from Mario. There are also some new suits for Mario, including the bee suit which is cute enough to be a little sickening.

After all these years, it's still Mario vs goombas.

In some ways, Galaxy is essentially Super Mario 64 all gussied up with shinier graphics and a few new twists. Instead of Peach's castle acting as a hub with each painting being a level, you're on a space station hub and launching yourself onto different planets. Like Mario 64, there are 120 stars to collect but you can finish the game with half that many. The Wii control scheme fits pretty well with the game as well, with the motion sensing features implemented well, and not feeling forced or tacked on like many 3rd party Wii titles. While fanboys and douchebags have yammered on about the Wii's graphics being second rate, Galaxy looks as good as anything I've played in the last year. It is bright, colorful, shiny and happy. There is also the occasional tune lifted straight out of some older Mario titles, which tickles my nostalgia reflex.

Super Mario Galaxy is the first must-have title I've played on the Wii thus far.

Battleplan: Operation BUGS

2008-01-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

While doing a restore on your computer ranks just above running a crime scene cleanup service, spending my entire new year's day doing that very excersise has given me several things to think about and opinions to share. Plus, it will let me get some basic guidlines in order so if I ever need to do it again, I can remind myself of what I was supposed to do after my last war with the bugs.

First off, if you are lucky enough to own your very own copy of Operating system media, I highly reccomend an operating system / data storage partition system. Basically the way this works is as follows. Using a disk partition utility, such as Fdisk (You can read about it here), split your Hard Drive such that you allow 20 GB for your operating system and the rest for data. What this does is set up your system so that in the event of a cataclysm, your data files are retained while you can trash your OS and start anew. Windows allows you to store your My Documents anywhere you want. You should store them in this seperate partition. Never store anything you value on your desktop. Keep in mind, using Fdisk will require a reformat of all affected partitions. Be sure to have something bootable handy in case you need to get your work completed outside the OS media disk.

During the course of owning a computer, you get a crapload of driver disks. As your attourney, I advise you to buy a CD binder and store all of these disks together. Fumbling through layers and layers of boxes and debris for driver disks isn't efficient or fun.

If you own software that is strictly downloaded without actually having any media, it's important to leave yourself directions on how to get a re-download.

Installing windows should be done as follows:

Install the OS media.
Install drivers to establish whatever means you use to access the internet.
Windowsupdate all critical updates in the order offered and until they refuse to give any more.
Install remaining drivers.
Install virus protection.
Install remaining software packages.

Once you have your computer running, the next phase is to create users. Create a user for every person using the computer. Make them all "Limited Users" meaning no administration rights. The account you are currently using will become the administration account. Only log onto this account for installs, updates, and maintenence.

Now some companies don't try very hard when it comes to Quality Assurance on a multi user platform. These companies suck ass. You will find yourself in forums trying to figure out which registry key needs altered permissions in order for their shithole app to work on a limited user account. Don't lose heart. When the next w32.Trats!Inf comes lookin for trouble, it will have a hell of a time getting past your security.

Myspace is a fucking cesspool. I fairly certain that's where my virus came from. Using the website alone gave me bugs. If I had been on a limited user account, it probably would have saved me. If it came from Myspace, it will give you bugs. Myspace IM be damned. Tom be damned. This is the first time I actually received an activeX virus from a simple website. It wasn't a hacker site either. It was a site that hundreds of thousands of users visit daily. Infected by the internets... All your base are belong to us.

A Public Service Announcement About Bugs.

2007-12-31T07:32:00.000-05:00

I got an iPod for Christmas. Since I got it, I've been ramming my musical empire down it's throat. Ramming your Musical empire down it's throat is a laboring process. It's take a long time to rip your music collection into iTunes. You get bored. You get lonely.

Whilest ripping, I went to myspace. During my websurfing experience, strange things were afoot at the circle K. I was getting popups. ads.. Things that shouldn't be there. Norton starting screaming to the high heavens. "Dear God Jimbob!!! There are BUGS EVERYWHERE"

Since that time, I've begun running nightly virus scans in safe mode and since that time, Norton always blows the head off of a handful of bugs. The next morning they respawn. Different, stronger. Norton still screams. I run another scan the next day. More bugs. I can't stop them.

This is a message from the damned. The infested. The King of Blades. Save your computers, save yourselves. Keep your virus scanners up to date.

Cable Guy Life: The Crying Lady

2007-12-26T21:28:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know me, you know I am not a sympathetic person. I believe that everything that happens to a person is a direct result of a choice they made. I don't blame fate or God or someone else. This is part of the reason I'm not very good at sympathy. I can put myself in a persons shoes, but I rarely feel sorry for them.

I went to a job a few weeks ago. The house was a shithole. I'm not sure why, but it seems that everyone who lives in a shithole has at least 4 large dogs in their back yard. I like dogs as pets, but I don't understand why dirty people absolutely love them. I never get crazy cat ladys with shitholes, just Grizzly Addams in his underwear with his 4-10 dogs. This house was no exception. Grizzly was in his mustard stained wife beater. 6 dogs on chains. A bunch of chickens. And dogshit everywhere. Grizzly was nice and less crude then most of the Grizzlies I meet. He was a very um "simple" person. I was installing the cable for his aunt. She had recently moved into the back attachement. I don't say room, cuz the house was more of a collection of trailers put together like legos.

Eventually I got done with the wiring inside and met the aunt who I was doing the job for. A nice older lady. She was looking at pictures. I asked a few questions as to where she wanted it set up and clarified with her how I was going to run it and went back to work. When I was done and asked her to sign my paperwork she wanted to show me a picture of someone. As she handed me the picture, she trembled and dropped it, breaking the glass frame into a million pieces. Then she burst into tears and was hugging me for comfort. I have never felt more awkward. After a few moments , the simpleton walked in on us and she went to hugging him. I drew a scribble across the signature (forging her name), said "have a good day," and hurried my skinny white ass right the fuck on out of there. I have the trouble feeling sympathetic towards friends and family. Strangers are right the hell out.

Game Review: Persona 3 (Playstation 2)

2007-12-22T13:43:00.000-05:00

It may be time to be fitted for my katana and silk shirt adorned with Chinese dragons. Persona 3 is a very Japanese RPG, with the typical art style and an actual anime based on the game coming out soon. Persona 3 garnered fairly positive reviews, but flew under the radar here in the states - probably a good thing, as it no doubt would have sparked controversy and had the politcal hand-wringers up in arms. More on that later.

Turn-based battle.

Persona 3 puts you in the role of a teenage orphan who is transferring to a new high school on Port Island in Japan. You shortly learn that there is crazy shit happening here: every night at midnight there is a phenomena known as The Dark Hour. It's basically a 25th hour wedged in where the normal population transmogrify into coffins and shadows come out to play, infecting the citizens with Apathy Syndrome - which is exactly what it sounds like. Those with the ability to summon personas are also awake and aware during the Dark Hour. Personas are basically second souls that manifest themselves as monsters capable of casting spells and fighting for the summoners. You summon your persona by putting an evoker to your head and pulling the trigger. An evoker isn't a handgun, it just looks and sounds exactly like one. The suicidal overtones make the game a little disturbing, and it's just as unsettling watching your character put a gun to his head and pull the trigger as it was the first time. If anyone had played this game, you'd be hearing about it like Doom, GTA and the such.

The game operates on a day-to-day calendar year, with each day broken up into 2 distinct phases: daytime and nighttime. During the day you'll attend classes, go to the mall, hang out with friends and do normal school activities. At night, you'll head to Tartarus, a huge tower that springs up around the high school where the shadows spawn. The nighttime portion of the game is essentially a dungeon crawl with bad guys, loot, treasure chests and the occasional boss battle. Combat is turn-based, and your party is AI controlled though you can give them directives to focus on, such as "healing/support" or "all-out attack." Each enemy has an elemental weakness that will knock them on their ass if you hit them with it. If you knock all the enemies on their ass, your party may perform an all-out attack where they rush the bad guys and fight in a cloud of dust, complete with Batman-like "Wham!" and "Pow!" exclamations flying about.

Call the governor!

During the day, the relationships you have and the bonds you form directly affect the new personas you create, and all of this is tied in to the tarot. Every person and every persona in the game are associated with one of the major arcana. For example, I befriended a little girl at the shrine in town, which in turn made any personas tied to the Hanged Man tarot more powerful. Your character also is rated on academics, courage and charm, and between keeping your skills up, maintaining your relationships and keeping up with the storyline, the days are quite packed. It's an unusual RPG system (at least in the US) and it's a welcome change from the norm. It is, of course, not without its flaws.

The largest of which is the game's repetitive nature. Going to Tartarus is always optional, but you have to go pretty regularly otherwise your party will become underpowered. Tartarus gets old pretty quick, as the floors and setup are unchanging. I'm 40 hours in, I just bypassed the 100th floor and it's essentially just like all the floors before it. Thankfully, the dichotomy between day and night play offset each other pretty well. The game is best played in 1 or 2 hour chunks, anything longer and I end up groaning and rolling my eyes before each trip back into the dungeon.

Studying at the library improves your Academics, kids!

Persona 3 stands out thanks to its original style and setting and unique social-style gameplay system. Its music is brilliant in places, terrible in others. The voice acting and translation are surprisingly strong - no Engrish here. If you like RPGs and can stand some repetition in your gameplay, give Persona 3 a look. If I had wombats to hand out, I'd give this game 3 of them.

Dangers of the Burbs

2007-12-08T02:58:00.000-05:00

Two posts in less then a week. Shit... almost like old times...

I grew up in the country. Middle of Butt Fuck Egypt. My nearest neighbor was a quarter mile away and was my grandmother. Living like that you learn some bad habits. Like for instance the one this rant is about, Not locking your doors.

As some of you know, I sleep commando. In the buff. Letting my tallywacker run wild and free between my 400 count egyptian cotton sheets. When me and the Mrs. are fucking, we both sleep in the buff. Tonite, we were fucking.

About a half hour ago. At 2AM, we both heard some bumbling out in the kitchen. At first, we figured it was the cat. When "the cat" opened the closet door, I figured it was time to get up and check. Low and behold, there was a man rumaging thru my closet. I'd say early 20's and definately not practiced in the art of holding his liqour. I escorted him out and after some "convincing" he finally left. When I am pissed off and naked, my hairy self can be a bit threatening looking. I watched him wonder around outside and our neighbors across the street finally gathered him up and escorted him into their house.

Stace had in the meantime, grabbed the phone, and a shirt, and locked her self in the kids room, to protect them. I'm not sure how she was going to protect them with the cordless phone, but I guess its more menacing then a floppy dildo.

After she came out, we found a rather nice watch on our kitchen counter. I threw on some pants and a shirt and walked across the street to give it to the neighbors to return to their drunken pal. Lots of apologies and OMFGs and an "I'm gonna fuckin kill him." And I returned home. My house smelling like cigarrettes, I bolted the door and shut off the porch light.

Cable Guy Life: Strange Asian Man

2007-12-02T07:42:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I am now a cable guy. I'm not really sure how my life took this turn but I'm not complaining. It's a nice combination of construction and electronics. Everyday I get to meet new people and get to discover new parts of the area that I didn't know existed. I also meet some real assholes, weirdos, and crazy people. This particular rant is about a weirdo.

Saturday, I was swamped. We had three guys out due to illness, etc. We had a couple guys quit. And we had a few others who just couldn't make it in. So the better installers got the most jobs to complete. I had five that I had to be at before noon and in order to be able to complete my afternoon jobs on time I need to do one of them before noon as well. Six jobs before noon. We start at 8:00AM. The first job I roll onto is an easy internet job. One line. A little Asian guy greats me at the door.

As I'm setting it up, I'm making conversation. He's telling me how he "designs funnies" for a living. I figure he means comics. And he continues talking about some cruel Burmese tyrants hes rebelling against and how they are afraid to touch womens underwear. Again, I'm just figuring he's talking about some political comic plot. Like Doonesbury or one of those other ones that rarely make sense to me. I don't even know where Burmesia is, nor do I give a fuck. But I'm nice and continue on like I was talking to my wife. "yup, uhuh, cool, aww, damn" etc. And then he disappears. Not surprising. I wasn't paying that close of attention to him anyways.

When he comes back he has a manila folder. He opens it up to reveal a pair of white lacy panties and a white lacy bra with pictures of Asian military generals ironed on them like that iron on printer paper you can buy. Just square wallet sized pics all over them. And he's talking really excited about "In yo face, Burmese Genehal. I get sexy gahl to wear deese panties then I email tem to you. Ha Ha Ha."

I finished the install as quickly as I could and got the fuck out of there. He followed me out to my car thanking me and gave me a $5 tip to buy some "mahning drink" with. I think I'm gonna use it for a psych exam.

Random Things

2007-11-29T09:41:00.000-05:00

A few random thoughts and things that have been bouncing around in my head of late:

- 'Tis the season. The holidays are upon us once more. This means the return of those ridiculous TV commercials where the yuppie families buy each other cars for Christmas. Honestly, here's a $40,000 vehicle for Christmas! I'm not even on the same plane of existence as these people.

- It is time to rock. With Guitar Hero 3 and Rock Band both released in the last month, there's no shortage of multiplayer gaming goodness to go around. Guitar Hero 3, while fun, is hard. Really hard. I got about halfway through on expert, and I didn't get stumped on a song, I just got fed up. While hammer-ons and pull-offs are now much easier and more fun, the difficulty has been ramped up a lot. The expert songs are chock full of 3 button notes, which always seemed cheap to me. This is not to say that GH3 isn't fun, which it is. Some of the songs are a blast to play, like Bulls on Parade, Sunshine of Your Love, Number of the Beast and Cult of Personality. Others are more fun to listen to than to play, like One, Paint it Black, Knights of Cydonia and Cherub Rock. Still, it's Guitar Hero and thus fun.

Rock Band: 4 player goodness.

Rock Band is a bit of a different story. The guitar mode is essentially the same as in Guitar Hero, but not as ball-shatteringly difficult. The drums are fun, but it's a whole new challenge. I thought being good at Guitar Hero would help. It doesn't. The vocals are also a lot fun, or so my wife claims. Hearing her sing Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills" was truly memorable. I'm looking forward to playing some 4-player co-op games soon.

- Orbit, whose rotten commercials show people eating dirt and whatnot, makes delicious gum. Their orange/mint gum may be the best gum ever.

Lady in the Water. (Not pictured: the water.)

- In my eyes M Night Shyamalan has redeemed himself in some way with Lady in the Water. It's another one of those movies that everyone hated and I can understand why, but I loved it. It's essentially a bedtime story that takes place in a modern day setting. It also stars Paul Giamatti who has become one of my favorite actors. I can't necessarily recommend it to anyone. Except maybe Couch. And BC would probably like it. So I guess I can't recommend it to Jimbob. Then again, it does have a lot of things with silly names in it. I recommend it to everyone.

- I reached 10,000 achievement points on my Xbox Live profile last night. This is a large milestone in a totally meaningless ambition. Essentially, each xbox 360 game comes with 1,000 possible achievement points, and the xbox live arcade games each have 200 possible points. You get these achievement points by reaching certain goals in the game, such as collecting all the weapons, defeating all the bosses, playing through Guitar Hero on expert with all the sound options off, etc. The one that put me over the 10k mark was called The Unrivaled Horseman in the game Gun. I got this by finding and completing all the horse challenges. That's right, bitches - all the horse challenges. Achievement points are wholly useless and I love them. For those of you keeping score at home, Jimbob has 5 achievements for 90 points: 3 from Guitar Hero 2 and 2 from Catan. Thank you, Gen Con. Thank you.

- My wife gained several cooking skill points and moved up a rank this past week when she made a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. But I still don't like yams, candied or otherwise.

- Some of the guys at work are bugging me to run a D&D game for them. They just want a dungeon crawl. I should probably do it. Dungeon crawls are pretty easy to run, I don't have to worry about story I just have to worry about puzzles, layout and balancing which I'm good at. And getting off my ass and putting it together, which I'm bad at.

A Chance Encounter

2007-11-15T13:50:00.000-05:00

So there I was.. On my way to pick up some lunch. I'm in my car, driving down 15 mile road. I had the radio off. Bascially I haven't rotated my CD's in a while and I didn't feel like popping any of them in.

I could feel the floor vibrating. My car has 217,000+ miles on it, things do vibrate, but not like this. The car was shaking, and I could hear music.

I rolled down the window. There was a car next to me that was sporting a sound system my Uncle Elmer would say, "Needs me to get out my 22 and *makes gun motion and shooting noises*" Usually the people that have these things tend to listen to music with lots of Bass, typically Rap, and typically male. Today, my perceptions were thrown on their ass.

In the lane next to me was a girl I'd put in her thirtys. She was latino looking, but I really didn't get a good look. She was jamming to Gloria Estafan. I mean LOUD like you think of volcano eruptions as being loud. The only person I ever knew to listen to Gloria was my sister and she never listened to it at that volume. The even latin drum beats felt like concussion grenades against my car... And then she was gone... Thankfully.

I'm still popular in Fraser!

Isn't it strange what sticks out as abnormal anymore?

Merry Christmas Jesus

2007-11-13T06:39:00.000-05:00

My wife had a fund raiser for her Catholic school. It was basically a big auction house party with a bunch of doctors and lawyers. The kids make these projects and sell them to the rich people for ridiculous amounts of money. You wouldn't believe what these guys shell out at these things. But, not the point of the story.

When I got there I surveyed the auction items. I went to the legitimate items first. They do have a lot of sports memoribilia, such as Mohammad Ali's boxing glove from his Sonny Listen fight. (Which given it's two-of-a-kind nature it went for low enough to justify a resell on eBay for profit had I been thinking) An Yzerman Jersey, a number of collectable photos, etc.

Then to the other items. The childrens projects. The desk that was repainted with the Hand/Footprints of all the first graders and then augmented to have them look like farm animals. (Sold for more than Ali's boxing glove ultimately.) Finger Paintings, etc..

It was here, that I found a christmas tree skirt that the kids made. It was patchwork, with several designs on it. Also, each kid in the class wrote down what they would give Jesus Christ for Christmas if they could. "I would give Jesus candy." Things like that. Two of these patches grabbed my attention. It was along the lines of Kids say the Darnest Things in the sense that they probably didn't mean it the way it sounded, but the way it sounded was kind of funny.

"I would give Jesus a heart." Typically when someone gives "A" heart and not "My" heart, it usually implies that the receiver is either cold and insensitive or a donor reciepient. I kindof thought that was a little odd, but it was soon forgotten. The next discovery was far more puzzling.

"I would give Jesus a cross." That's the LAST thing he would want. He didn't want it the last time. In this day and age, it's like someone giving me an electric chair for Christmas after I had been executed in it. If he had gotten that for his birthday, he probably would have been a little pissed. He wouldn't have shown it, that's not in his character, but he would have probably taken it with a smile and then chucked it in the trash the next day.

I have to think both kids were Jewish.

Ohio Adventure

2007-11-11T20:01:00.000-05:00

My workplace often sends people out into the field to assist with new installations. With Michigan falling into the 9th circle of hell econimically, a good portion of our customers exist beyond Michigan's borders. Recently, one of our veterans, and her trainee went to Ohio to do this job. The Job lasts a couple weeks, so they live out of a hotel and eat out every day. Kinda like a Gencon adventure but without any real fun of any kind. They check into this hotel.

The trainee collects her key from the front desk as normal. Goes to the room. Uses the key and the door unlocks promptly. She enters.

Inside was a guy taking a shit with the bathroom door open. Looks of suprise and screams from both sides ensue. Basically the room got double booked. Both people had a legitimate reason to bitch. They get into a short and awkward argument over their mutual territory dispute. It must have got settled somehow, I was laughing too hard to hear the end though.

The moral of the story, always set your chain and deadbolt when away at a hotel. Espically if you shit with the door open.

Cartoons of the 80's and 90's

2007-11-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

Thundercats - Name the weapons wielded by the Adult Thundercats.
The Smurfs - Name the Smurfs that did not wear standard issue White Hats and what they wore instead. Looking for 4, althought there are more.
Transformers - The Decepticons primary export to Cybertron?
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe - He-Man's Secret Identity?
She-Ra - Princess of Power - She-Ra's Secret Identity?
Superfriends - Bizarro Superman's Weakness?
Jem - What was the name of the enemy band?
Inspector Gadget - What was special about Penny's textbook?
Go-Bots - Name the leader of both Good and Bad Factions.
Care Bears - How did they destroy their enemies?
Tiny Toon Adventures - Name the Pig.
The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show - Name the two Relics Elmer Fudd was going to use to "Kill the Wabbit" during the Opera Bit Warner Brothers did.
Animaniacs - What are we going to do tonight Brain?
Rainbow Brite - Aside from speech, what else could Rainbow Brite's horse do that seperated it from regular horses.
The Simpsons - Name Ned Flander's Shop.
GI*Joe - Name the Pro Wrestler that briefly advertised for thier action figure line.

Another Movie Quote Game

2007-11-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

Name the movie for one point, who said it for a second, and what was going on in the scene for a third.

“On the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.”
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men."
"My God man, drilling holes in his head isn't the answer, the artery must be repaired!"
"It sounds like my grandfather taking a leak Mike."
"I love patching 30 year old fuse panels and plunging people's toilets."
"You'll soon run out of chickens Louie."
"Do you ever listen to K-Billy's super sounds of the 70's?"
“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”
"Never rub another man's rhubarb."
"Dead or alive you're coming with me."
"You are entering a world of pain. MARK IT ZERO!"
"A real hero could have saved Arnie."
“Mercy is for the weak.”
“What if it goes out and melts down a busload of nuns? How would you like to write the headline on that one?”
“Why… Johnny Ringo. You look like someone just walked over your grave.”

Sparks

2007-10-16T21:13:00.001-04:00

Looks can be decieving. I'm a visually oriented person. So if something appeases my eyes I'm hooked. I am the guy who will drop doing something important for "OOO... something SHINY." For me people are the same way. It requires something visually stimulating for a person to keep my interest. Doesn't nessecarily mean they have to be beautiful or anything like that. But talking on the phone is boring as hell for me. What is all this bullshit leading too you may ask? Sparks.

Sparks are shiny objects thrown off from welding or grinding or cutting with a torch. Very visually stimulating. Sparks is also a new malt beverage available where ever beer is sold. It's got a shiny can. Orange and silver. It is also a blend of my two favorite drugs. Alcohol and caffiene. And its citrus flavored and has yellow 5 in it. So its like alcohol and Mt. Dew. A perfect blend of two wholesomely goodnessy things. A perfect blend of depressant and stimulant. A perfect blend of flavors. A perfect blend that tastes like absolute shit.

After the first sip, I wanted to vomit. But I'm an explorer and believe in second chances. After the second, I did vomit a little in my mouth. So I gave it to my wife to try. She took a sip and her face formed into a very confused look. Then she took a second sip and I think she vomited a little into her mouth as well. I asked her why she took the second sip and she said that she had tasted something peculilar the first time. That was the taste of shit I explained to her.

So if anyone wants to try some Sparks, I have 3.95 cans of it in my fridge you are welcome to.

Exploring the Michigan Central Station

2007-10-14T14:42:00.001-04:00

For nearly the past 20 years, the Michigan Central Station located in downtown Detroit has not been used. It originally opened in 1913 and the last train pulled away from the station on January 6th, 1988. After this time the building has fallen apart, been fenced off, and used in such movies as The Island, Four Brothers, and the recently released Transformers.

Very recently, myself and two other individuals who had an urge to go exploring found ourselves scouting for a way in with the ultimate goal of making it to the roof. Through a small hole near the loading docks we were able to enter underneath the platform with flashlights in hand and make our way to the main building. After bypassing a cesspool, we made it into the main building and the true exploring started.

Once inside, it was obvious we weren't the first to walk through these halls. signs of graffiti, vandalism and humor in the form of a Mickey Mouse doll hanging from a noose in the main hall some 70 feet in the air. There were even signs of current inhabitants as we stumbled across jars of mayonnaise, containers of mustard and a bag of fairly new tortilla chips.

Floor by floor we slowly made or way to the roof. As the floors got higher, so did the decay of the building. There was not one fully intact window in the place and the wind passing through the building increased as the floor numbers increased. The higher floors showed more water damage than the lower ones and with each step we took we had to make sure we didn't fall through.

We were finally able to safely make it to the top floor, which was never used during the years the Michigan Central Station was operational and then eventually made it to the roof. Standing on the edge of the roof, I was able to overlook the skyline of Detroit with a sense of accomplishment.

Melancholy Dragon

2007-10-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

Look out kids, it's another game review! This time around it's good old Blue Dragon, an old-school style RPG for the 360. I've referenced it a few times in other reviews, and my many avid readers who (rightfully) pore over every detail of my writings regarding the video games I play will know that I could easily sum up Blue Dragon in one syllable: Meh.

Blue Dragon is chock full of cliche and proud of it. It smears its chest with it and flings it at passers by. See if any of these are vaguely familiar:

- Spiky haired kid as the main character.
- Small, innocent home town destroyed by villain (the "Land Shark.")
- A party member whose parents were killed by the bad guy.
- Long, drawn out FMV scenes for super-attacks.
- A plucky, wacky, non-human party member who provides the comic relief (In Japan, annoying as fuck = comedy.)
- An unexpected twist involving the main villain at the end!

Plucky and determined. Check.

Simply put, Blue Dragon is generic as all get-out. From the plot to the enemies to the characters themselves. You'll find dungeons, treasure chests, bosses and, well, everything you'd expect from a Japanese RPG. The combat offers a slight twist on the turn based stuff that's been the standard since forever: spells (and certain attacks) are able to be charged up, making them more powerful at the cost of waiting longer to strike. The character creation is likewise well done, with the choice to choose which class you level up in at any given time. Each class teaches you skills, which can then be carried over as you change classes. I daresay it's reminiscent of the Final Fantasy Tactics development system.

Look out, kids. The Land Shark will be reigning terror over your town next!

It's a shame they didn't take as much care with the mapping system. Namely, there isn't one. You have a small HUD showing your immediate area and that's it. This seems to be a recurring theme in my reviews, so it may be me that's screwed up rather than the game designers. The original Diablo got the automap thing just right. Anyhow, there are some areas I enjoyed, such as the dark little town with the killer tree that eats people, and the town with the ancient servant robots awaiting the return of The Master. The music is likewise solid, if unspectacular. The exception is the boss battle theme, which is super ultra generic hard rock featuring Ian Gillian from Deep Purple yelling and hollering. Yes, you read that right. It actually made me reach for the mute button a few times.

Shu and Maromaru vs Scary Moth!

Blue Dragon isn't terrible, it just never really draws you in. Yes, it's overly familiar but Dragon Quest VIII proved that a game can be familiar, cliched and terrific all at the same time. If you're a 360 owner and you need your RPG fix (assuming you've already spent time with Oblivion) Blue Dragon is a decent option, a few steps behind Eternal Sonata. It just won't blow you away.

Scoop of vanilla, scoop of chocolate. Don't waste my time.

Game Review: Eternal Sonata

2007-10-02T19:39:00.000-04:00

Eternal Sonata is the latest in Microsoft's attempt to get a foothold in that all-important Japanese market. While it isn't perfect, it's a step up from bland old Blue Dragon. One certainly can't accuse it of being unoriginal. The game takes place in a dream world inside the head of a dying man. Namely Frederic Chopin. Yeah - him. He's one of the main characters in the game, all the while telling his party members that this is all really irrelevant since each of them is just a part of his fever induced dreams as he lay dying from TB.

translation: So long, Chopin.

In this dream world, magic is a side effect of having a terminal illness. So when you see someone flinging spells around, they're on their way out. This makes magic-users outcasts, always popular in RPGs. The story (within the story) revolves around corrupt governments, warring nations with lying and betrayal. While it isn't bad, it's no Bioshock in the story department.

Eternal Sonata's combat is good stuff.

The gameplay is where Eternal Sonata shines. The combat is a hybrid of turn based and realtime battle; when a character's turn comes up, you have unlimited time to decide how to proceed, and once you start moving you have a 5-second timer to do whatever you like. As you proceed through the game, the combat system continually changes, making combat more intense while making your party more powerful. It's a welcome change from the usual turn based stuff we've been seeing from JRPGs since the Dragon Warrior days.

The game world is gorgeuos, full of vibrant colors and environments, which makes it that much more of a shame that the camera is locked in place. Bad gamer, no surveying your environment for you. And, compared to most RPGs, Eternal Sonata is short - including an optional bonus dungeon - I finished up at 30 hours; And I spent a few hours lost, searching for hidden items or just looking for the damn exits, thanks to the lack of an automap feature. As someone who is always lost, this was especially damning for me.

Next gen gaming sure is purdy.

All told, despite a few a shortcomings that keep it from greatness, Eternal Sonata is a fine game. And you'll learn a few facts about Chopin and hear some of his beautiful compositions to boot, including Nocturne. Frederic fucking Chopin!

Crickets

2007-09-28T19:34:00.000-04:00

I grew up in Michigan. Theres a lot of crickets in Michigan. They make pretty noises in the summer and are fun pets. You can find them under just about anything. Michigan crickets look like this:
Cute and harmless. I remember keeping them as pets. And keeping them as dinner for various other pets too. I never thought I would be scared of crickets.

I'm not scared of much. Sure, I'll jump if someone sneaks up on me. And carnies sorta freak me out, but I think carnies sorta freak everyone out. I don't really like needles either, but I've had my shots. It just makes my left upper arm hurt alot everytime I get one (regardless of where I'm getting the shot). But on the whole thats about it. I've never been bothered by bugs of any kind in the least before. In fact, my brother-in-law refers me to as the bee whipserer becuase I talk to yellow jackets and can stick my hand in a nest of them without getting stung (and regularily do so becuase I like hornets). Today my life changed.

I recently got a new job installing cable. This often involves running new lines under peoples houses. Most crawl spaces aren't bad. Few spiders, few roaches, few crickets, maybe a lizard or too (I love lizards, I used to let them loose inside my apartment when I lived in Hawaii to help keep the roaches down). I've been told to watch out for snakes too, but have yet to see one. None of these things bother me. Brown recluses worry me a bit just becuase I've seen what they can do, but I have yet to see one. Today though, I was scared.

I entered a crawlspace of a very old house. I was expecting the usual scattering of roaches that I see in such houses, when I turned on my flashlight and began to crawl around. But there were no roaches to be found. Shining my light on one of the walls of the foundation I saw the wall move. I focused my light on a spot and it slowly turned from brown/black to cement blocks. It was at this point my heart started to speed up a bit. I don't mind bugs, but I knew that what ever kind of bug this was it had to be a whole fucking lot of em. I figured "live and let live" so I went on about my job ignoring the movement on the walls. I reached up to grab my line out from between two floor joists where I had sent it down and thats when it started to get creepy. Something started crawling down my arm. Then more somethings. Then it was swarming. My arm had joined the crawling mass that wasn't just on the walls but apparently all thru the floor joists as well. Now I had a good visual. This is what they looked like:
There were thousands of them. And they were engulfing me. Not biting. Just covering. They were in my hair. On my back. My arms. My legs. My ears. I was covered. The biggest ones were about 2" tall and 3" around. The smaller ones were about 1/2" tall and 1" around. When I moved, they moved. I'd never seen a cricket that looked like that before. The cave cricket is what they are called apparently. Why their were so many under this house is beyond me. But as I finished my work underneath the house, they continued to use me as just another surface area. Oddly enough, there was never any on the sand floor. As soon as I crawled out the access panel it was like going thru a car wash. The light hit them and they jumped back inside. I now have added cave crickets to the very small list of things that freak me out.

Game Review: Bioshock

2007-09-03T12:52:00.000-04:00

Bioshock for Xbox 360, PC

In honor of labor day, a day spent honoring work (which sucks my ass) I am spending the day sitting on my ass. What better way to honor labor than by posting a new game review? My gaming time lately has been divided between killing minorities in Crackdown and being underwhelmed by Blue Dragon. Prior to those titles, I got the unbridled joy of finishing Bioshock, one of the best games I've ever played, period.

Welcome to Rapture, underwater utopia.

Bioshock is classified as a first person shooter. When I heard this I immediately lost interest until my friend Rob said that I should download the demo and give it a try. So download it I did, and it hooked me immediately. The graphics are gorgeous, and it's the most immersive game I've ever played. It's not one of those dumb FPS games where you're some highly trained member of insert-military-faction-here and you're sent to kill terrorists or non americans or whatever. You're a confused guy running around protecting yourself from gene-splicing junkies. I'd say it's a FPS/adventure hybrid. Having played Oblivion readied me for the gameplay here. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Bioshock takes place in 1960 in a ruined underwater city named Rapture. The city was founded by an idealist millionaire named Andrew Ryan. He wanted a society free from government and religious control, where everyone earned his own way. Scientists would be free to work on projects to better the world without being bogged down by the moral limitations placed upon the world we know. Ryan's utopian world was apparently not without flaws.

A Big Daddy watching over a Little Sister.

You arrive to find signs of anarchy and chaos, dead bodies, fires etc. There are party favors and "Happy New Year 1959" signs. There are also signs of rebellion, picket signs with phrases such as "Ryan doesn't own us" on them. It is a beautiful, broken world. The city is largely void of life, save for 3 groups: the splicers - twisted junkies hopelessly hooked on the genetic mutations devised by the city's scientists; Little Sisters - genetically altered little girls whose job it is to harvest resources from dead bodies for use in genetic modding; and Big Daddies - genetically modified humans in large, heavily armored diving suits whose sole job is to protect the little sisters. This is the world into which the player is thrust.

The story is teriffic, and that's about as much as I can say about it. The game has gotten some flak for the moral decisions the player is put into. In order to become strong enough to tackle the challenges in the game, you need to get ADAM (the stuff that makes the genetic alterations possible) from the Little Sisters. First, you have to kill the Big Daddies that guard them, then you must make the decision to either Rescue them (which provides you a small amount of ADAM and essentially cures the Little Sisters of their creepy ailment/modification) or you Harvest them (which kills them, but yields a much higher ADAM reward, ZOMG THIS GAME LETS U KILL LITTLE GIRLS CALL TEH SENATOR ZOMG!!!!1) It's a work of fiction, a brilliant one which to some degree makes the player examine their morals, which is a great thing to find in a game.

Drilled into a wall: this is what happens when a splicer goes after a Little Sister.

The enemy AI is pretty decent; the bad guys (who are crazed junkies after all) will often charge straight at you in a rage, but they will often fall back, duck for cover, run for health stations when injured, run for water if you set them on fire. And once they're in the water, you can zap them with lightning. They hate that. The environment they populate is incredibly detailed and well made. lights flicker, sparks rain down from severed wires, water leaks in through cracks and pours in through holes in the wall. The voice acting is equally well done, a trait crucial in bringing a game world to life. Again, I can't say too much about the story without ruining the plot, but suffice to say it's above most video game standards and on par with many Hollywood movies I've seen.

Game of the Year thus far? Hell yes.

All of the Game of the Year hype it's been getting is justified. Now, would you kindly pick up a copy of Bioshock and give it a go? You won't be sorry.

Everybody Dance Now

2007-08-30T13:21:00.000-04:00

This one goes out to all those WoW players out there.

I can't take it anymore.

2007-08-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

I remember the first days of spam. You'd get a message that went out to undisclosed reciepients with adds for anything from penile enhancement to things that make you poop. Next came picture adds after the text filters came out, then random e-mail addy bombs, and so forth. The internet has seen spammer asshats like Jeremy Jaynes get convicted and sentenced to 9 years for being a fucknut. The spam war has had it's heroes and it's villians alike.

The face of evil

I got this message today...

From: aapogxoofi@sogerma.eads.net
To:
-------------------------------

That was it. No message, no subject, just a letter with his e-mail on it. What in the name of Daddy Warbucks is the world coming to when the spammers are just sending blank messages? Was it reflex? They didn't have anything to sell me but couldn't help but send a message anyways? The whole thing stinks and to make matters worse, there is no sign of spammers stopping. As a result, I have a plan to fix this. Bomb the mail servers. Not electronically, LEGITIMATELY DROP BOMBS ON THEM. I have done a series of traces and discovered 95% of my spam comes from servers in the pacific rim. If they don't tighten security I say take them offline hardcore! Carpet bomb those spamming assholes back to the stone age.

You have 10 days.

Happy Halloween 1999

2007-08-25T09:04:00.000-04:00

I stood on a balcony, completely dressed in black. "Psycho" was being played on the big screen. It was the scene in the shower where that girl got stabbed. The crowd rose to a fever pitch. The screen retracted. The band took the stage. "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" was heard throughout the room. It began this way, and ended with me getting voodoo beads. If more memory jogging is required, just press play.

Operation Gencon

2007-08-22T23:53:00.000-04:00

br>
I made this 8 second intro for my next project. For all the AG's that have a back log of nuts Gencon pictures, or perhaps even video, I'm going to try my hand at editing some video together for a Gencon documentary of sorts on Youtube. I'd like to ask that if any donatable footage/pictures exist, zip them together and send them to me. As of right now, I'm doing editing of the raw footage I've been collecting since getting the camera in 2004. After that I have a few pictures I can put in, but that's where my contributions stop. If you have nuts things, send them my way.

WombatVision

2007-08-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, the AG's made wombat videos. Apparently we weren't the only ones.

Another nuts thing I found

2007-08-14T07:19:00.000-04:00

For those of you who remember the Atari 2600 era.

Something Nuts I Found

2007-08-13T07:43:00.000-04:00

Game Review: Overlord

2007-08-08T08:07:00.000-04:00

Xbox 360, PC

Gaming has been my hobby of choice for most of my life. Some things have definitely changed over the years, though. Being limited on time means that I want my gaming time to be spent on games that bring the pain, those addictive haven't-been-able-to-put-it-down games like Okami, or Baldur's Gate, or Culdcept. If I don't have such a game at the moment, my gaming time is spent rotating between a few not-quite-there games and hoping one will catch me and become Nuts, like Dead Rising. Then there are those few and far between games like Overlord. Overlord is kind of like Couch's tainted Slim Jim from Big Boy, though this review doesn't end with me shitting anywhere. Sorry.

Overlord is a maddening, shitburger of a game, a Final Fantasy-type mess. It's so close to being a great game, it's just got a few major points that crop up often enough to suck all the happy right out of the experience. It's like when you're eating a box of Whoppers and you're happy and then all of a sudden - BAM! You get one of those hollow, soft, mushy ones that make you stifle a gag and possibly poop in your pants a little bit. It ruins the whole carton, it does. Thus far I've talked about Slim Jims, poop (twice) and Whoppers. The time has come to discuss Overlord, although since most of the few people reading this don't play games that aren't WoW, the poop and Whoppers may be more relevant.

Evil.

The story of Overlord is as follows: Once upon a time there was a great evil guy who had an evil tower. Then the 7 great heroes stormed the tower, kicked his ass and all was peaceful....until, of course, someone found a way to bring the evil guy back from the beyond. A very cliche' setup for a game, until you get to the part where you play the evil guy and it's your job to rebuild your evil empire and punish those 7 heroes who defeated you. You won't do this alone - you have minions: lots of little gremlin-type guys who do all of your dirty work for you (this is where the whole Overlord thing comes into play.) While your Overlord does have a melee attack and a few spells, the game is all about controlling your minions. They fight battles, move obstacles, pull levers, etc. The gameplay is essentially one part puzzle solving, one part realtime combat.

First, the good stuff. The game's setting is really great, definitely a breath of fresh air. The game is all about evil, but it's comedic evil, very tongue in cheek stuff. You have a jester who follows you around your keep and compliments you, and you're able to kick him on his ass anytime you feel the need. Whenever one of your minions finds something for you, he'll hold it up with both hands and run towards you like a child, exclaiming "For the master!"And the seven heroes you have to track down have, uh, fallen from grace since their triumph. I had to fight a huge, comically fat halfling and a lustful paladin who was shacking up with a succubus among others. Very reminiscent of the old Dungeon Keeper PC games, Overlord scores high marks for its tone. The graphics are beautiful as well. Everything is well animated and looks up to par with what's expected from a current-gen game console. Both the setting and gameplay are very unique, so kudos to Codemasters for that.

The picnic's over.

And now for the bad. First off, there's no map. The areas are large and sprawling, and quest objectives are bare bones with little to no explanation. I spent a lot of time wandering around, not sure what I was looking for, just trying to find whatever was required to advance to the next area. This might be more of a personal thing, as my ability to navigate 3D environments (like Earth) is shit. Anyhow, I spent a lot of time lost and more than once I quit, saying "Fuck this, I'll come back to it later when I'm not pissed at it anymore." The other problems stem from control and camera issues. You have 4 different types of minions under your control, and trying to order them around in the middle of combat while fighting a tricky camera and poor targeting system means you'll spend more time fighting the game itself than fighting the enemies. Your minions' slots sometimes fail as well, like my browns getting hit and not fighting back, or my blues not rezzing their fallen brethren when they should. And one last thing, the deal-breaker:

Overlord for the Xbox 360.

Long story short, I was stuck in an area, spent a couple of hours looking for a missing item I was sure I'd found previously, so I looked to the internets for help. Turns out I'd encountered a game-breaking bug because I'd saved and quit at the wrong time. The solution? Start over and don't do that next time. There's been no patch, and here's my buddy's response: "cripes i figured they'd have fixed that by now. sheesh i read about that over a month ago." So much potential, so close to greatness; this game is actually most reminiscent, in that regard, of Indigo Prophecy. So Overlord got traded in to Gamestop, credit towards Blue Dragon. Hopefully that one won't be broken.

Thanks Jesse!

2007-08-06T20:53:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I started getting emails from legitimate companys for a guy named Jesse Couch. All kinds of fun stuff. Some of it random like ebay auctions hed won, or friends of his trying to let him know what time and where the suprise bday party for so and so was. At first I was nice. I went thru some of the contacts, got ahold of him and informed him what was going on. He didn't seem to care too much. So I tried ignoring it. But they kept coming. Eventually he screwed up and gave me signed up his delta fly miles plan with my email. Thanx for that Jesse. When you get enough miles, I'm going to steal them and fly someplace completely on you buddy. Today I got a new one. Feel free to enjoy it. On Jesse's credit card. Hell, watch some movies, I did. They're pretty good. He's gonna fucking love it. Oh... heres the email BTW...

Dear Jesse .

Thank you for your subscription to http://www.clubnella.com .

You have been billed as CCBILL LLC for the amount of: 29.95(USD) for 30 days then 29.95(USD) recurring every 30 days .

Your new subscription identification number is:
0107218101000042503 , please keep this number in a safe place, as it will be required for reference in all future correspondence regarding your membership.

Your membership access information is:

Username for your subscription: qyoPw6LJCd
Password for your subscription: sHyWfGPBeq
Membership website: http://www.clubnella.com

For further details regarding this transaction and direct access to our online billing support services, available 24-hours a day, 365-days a year, please enter http://support.nastygodcash.com

Thank you for choosing CCBill as the eMerchant for your subscription!

Flirting

2007-08-02T19:35:00.000-04:00

I'm a flirt. I flirt with everyone I meet. And I do so for the sole purpose of getting free stuff. From fish, to cookies and chocolate shakes, to senior discounts, and even better sex. I flirt for stuff.

I know. It doesn't make sense. Well, let me explain...

First off. We need to understand the effects of self-esteem on the individual. Women are more prone to the effects of self esteem then men, but men are still far from immune. The key to successful flirting is to raise their self esteem without coming across as a pervert. That means absolutely nothing sexual. Smiles, compliments, and "looks" only. The idea is to make the person feel attractive without actually telling them so. When a person feels more attractive, they feel better about themself, and if you were the one to make them feel that way, there is a good chance for a reward.

This only works with strangers however. If you don't believe me, try telling your wife that the dress shes wearing looks good on her and doesn't make her look fat. Then have a random guy tell her the same thing. See who she believes and which one makes her blush. Odds are it isn't you.

Being well groomed helps alot too. If you look like a dirty old man people are going to think you are a dirty old man before you even open your mouth.

This does work with different sexual orientations. For example, on my way thru West Virgina monday night, I stopped at a McDonalds. The cashier was blatantly gay. The girl working the rather slow drive thru was straight (or at least bi). So for research sake, I flirted with both of them. I didn't discriminate or try to hide my flirting. Each of them went and made an "Extra" chocolate shake and then asked me if I wanted it. I left with two chocolate shakes that I didn't pay for or even order.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some other examples...

A few weeks ago I took my wife out on a date to see Pirates. We stopped at Taco Bell, both of us well dressed and groomed. And there was a cute little black gal behind the counter. Her name was Miquita. I have a personal fascination with the letter Q so any time I see it in a name, I am instantly drawn to it like a fat boy to a doughnut. So I started some casual conversation about what a pretty name it was and some well timed smiles and looks. And she asked me if I would like a seniors discount? I said I didn't think I was old enough but sure. She put her finger up to her lips, shushed me, and I got 10% off our meal. My wife standing right next to me the whole time.

Theres a pet store in Marysville that seems to only employ young highschool girls. Those are the easiest targets hands down. I regularily used to go there and walk out with $5-$30 dollars in free fish. Stace would regularily walk in a few minutes behind me just to watch the fun.

It does work both ways as well. I regularily would entice my wife to do some casual flirting with cashiers and such. This has two effects. One, every now and then, she'll get a discount or something free (which ultimatly benefits me). And Two, most guys will flirt back. This raises her self esteem in ways that I'll never be able to. Leaving her on the horney side. And well, I'm sure you can figure out how that benefits me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I'm not saying that my flirting doesn't benefit others. It does. And if everyone did it, there would be a lot more happy people in this world. I do it becuase its in my best interest to and when someone does flirt back it ups my self esteem as well. So in the end everyone is happier and I get a free cookie. Now go out and flirt!

The Best Things Ever

2007-07-13T09:26:00.000-04:00

I like talking about things on here. It's usually movies or games or the such, or an occasional rant about something. I don't often have stories to tell, I usually leave that in the capable hands of my fellow AG. I, on the other hand, enjoy lists of things. They're nicely organized, easily dissected and are a good conversation starter. I was eating my breakfast cereal and thinking to myself "This is a damned fine breakfast cereal. Could this be the best breakfast cereal ever?" So without further ado, here are some of the best things ever:

Candy bars

- Take 5: Chocolate. Peanuts. Caramel. Peanut butter. Pretzels. Bliss.
- Payday: Essentially a nougat log covered in salty peanuts.
- Whatchamacallit: This one gets points for simply having a nuts name. It's got caramel, chocolate and some unidentified crispy stuff in there.
- Zagnut: Probably the best name for anything ever. Hard crisp peanut butter center, surrounded on all sides by toasted coconut. ZAGNUT!
- Special Dark: Nothing fancy here, dark chocolate. Not sure where the Special part comes in. I guess because it's awesome.

Chips

- Nacho Cheese Doritios: Don't be fooled by any of the lesser varieties of Doritos. Some Alright Guys will try to tell you that Cool Ranch Doritos are superior. This is bullshit.
- Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles: The name says it all. One chip to rule them all.
- Green chips: Ah, Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chips. We have such history together. They say people have several pounds of undigested red meat in their bowels. I have undigested green chips in my bowels. BIG ONES!
- Crunchy Cheetos: Cheesy and crunchy, I love 'em. Sure, they leave a layer of that cheese dust on your fingertips, and they get all packed in and stuck in your teeth. It's mostly worth it.
- Fritos: Poor stupid Fritos. These tasty, salty corn chips seemed destined for greatness, but they lack a proper dipping agent. Fritos Scoops?! Stupid.

Soda

Mountain Dew: It's good!

- Mt Dew: The Dew. Terrible commercials (aren't they all?) wonderful product. I spent much of my high school career defending Dr Pepper over Mt Dew. Much like me defending Soundgarden over Pearl Jam to Tom, I was oh so wrong. I'm sorry Mt Dew.
- Dr Pepper: Firmly entrenched at number 2, this drink is not like Cherry Coke in any way. Sometimes when I request a Pepper, people will offer Cherry Coke in its place. You may as well vomit in a can and hand it to me. Fuckers.
- Squirt: The third part of the holy trifecta, Squirt is proof that citrus drinks don't have to taste like pee.
- Stewart's Orange Cream soda: The outsider. The stuff is rare; walking into a gas station and finding Stewart's is like opening a pack of Magic cards and getting a Shivan Dragon.
- Sunkist: I do love me some orange soda. Faygo, Orange Crush or Sunkist are things of beauty. Orange Slice or Minute Maid orange soda are, again, essentially pee in a can.

Guitar Hero tracks (I couldn't resist)

Rockin' the living room.

- Crossroads by Cream: Classic song, lots of alternating chords, very difficult. Vintage Clapton.
- YYZ by Rush: Gorgeous solo, one of Rush's best. Some like it because Geddy doesn't sing.
- The Trooper by Iron Maiden: Every time I fire up GH2 on the 360, I simply have to play this song. Difficult, but fun.
- Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas: Another pleasant classic.
- More than a Feeling: This was the first song I could really nail on Expert mode. It really has a good rock star feel to it.

Breakfast Cereals

- Crispix: Healthy and delicious? Fuck yes.
- Apple Jacks: Do they really taste apple-like? I'm not sure they do.
- Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries: A few years ago, some ball sac decided that instead of just having the delicious pink crunch berries, they should add purple, blue and green ones that taste like snot as well. Like Taco Bell changing their nacho cheese, the Cap'n has fallen from grace. Cap'n Crunch needs to be sent to the bread room.
- Frosted mini-wheats: The frosted side kicks ass. The plain side is stupid.
- Clusters: The cereal is all about Nuts. What more needs to be said?

Jimbob's Transformers Review

2007-07-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Normally this isn't my area, but I thought I'd branch out a little today. I saw Transformers and I liked it. Plenty of action, robots, old memories, and an Easy Plot. Basically there's this Cube that can spawn life into machines. Both parties, Autobots and Decepticons want it for their own purposes, all they have to do is find it.

I was a huge Transformer fan as a kid and was a avid watcher of the cartoon series. Nowadays, they call it "First Generation." I can tell you that the First movie, at least as a kid, was a disaster for me. If you watched it by itself, without prior knowledge of the cartoon series, it's a decent movie. Good Robots, bad robots, slaughter on both sides, old leader dies, new leader arises, ultimate threat defeated, happy ending.

Autobots... Roll Out!

Now pretend that you spent hours and hours getting to know the slaughtered robots prior to the movie. You had action figures, favorite characters, etc. Now shoot every one of them in the face, and replace them with new people. As an adult, I can guess this was a wipe and reload of their action figure line as the market had probably reached saturation, as a kid, this was a disaster waiting to happen. Optimus Prime lay dead on he ground, Starscream had been disintegrated, and all I had left was a sports car pulling a 5th wheel. Game Over.

Never having seen the "Second Generation" enough to care. There were new faces for me in this recent movie. The sand thing from the trailer was new to me, as were a handful of the other Decepticons. Optimus Prime's original voice actor made a return. I thought the special effects were amazing. It was also neat to be able to say, that urban war zone is Detroit, and that car that represents Bumblebee was built in a auto plant I visited last month. Another interesting thing was the human cast. John Turturro cameoed as an asshole FBI guy just to name one.

The thing that stuck out to me the most? A Panasonic 2GB Flash Memory Chip. It jumped out of the screen so abruptly it knocked me out of the movie and back into my theater chair. What the hell is up with ads in movies nowadays? I mean, it used to be subtle, but anymore it seems like an assault on the story line. I mean, this flash chip got it's own glamour shot. I'm imagining the director Micheal Bay on that one. "Ok, pull it out of the drive.. tilt it up, let's see the label.. BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL!!! Cut! Print that one!" The damn thing should have been in the credits. Honestly, has the cost of creating and producing a movie reached the point where profits cannot be made from the people actually going to see it? I know I'm laboring on this example, but their were plenty of times where Logos and Slogans appeared to be force fed and unnessessarily centered in the frame.

A star is born
I thought the political jabs were funny. The Latino soldier that would break into a Spanish rant and the other solders would say, "We don't know SPANISH.. ENGLISH PLEASE!!!" He argued it was important to his culture, in spite of the fact no one could understand him. The President on his bed demanding Ho-Ho's during a national crisis I thought was a funny joke also. I'm glad these segments were short, too much would have been overkill. It was enough to give me a chuckle. At least the camera time on the Ho-Ho was integrated into the rest of the movie smoothly, unlike the Panasonic Chip.

Overall, I thought the movie was good. Plenty of action, simple plot, fight scenes, a car chase or two. A good sci-fi action movie that fell into my childhood. I'm looking forward to the sequel. Good game Dreamworks.

Redwood Adventure

2007-07-06T09:15:00.001-04:00

This story was according to Jake.

Jake knew these two guys, I picture them to be the kind of guys you'd see in a Jeep commercial mudbogging. Real weekend adventurers. He never told me their names, so I'll name them Hank and Steve. Both lived in California.

Hank and Steve were sitting someplace, trying to decide what to do with their weekend. Somebody had this idea to go camping deep in the Redwood Forest and hunt for bigfoot.

So they go. Deep in the redwood forest. Easily several miles from civilization and likely no cell phone towers to speak of. They took basic camping supplies, but also a few packs of hot dogs for Bigfoot Bait.
I wonder if Bigfoot likes chili on these.
They hung the hot dogs from the trees and set up their tent. The placed their cameras by the front of the tent and took turns doing watch for the night.

*Snap*

Hank heard it. A stick broke. Something was outside.

*snap* *CRACK* *THUMP*

Something was screwing with the trees outside. It sounded BIG. Hank woke Steve. "Be Quiet Steve, something's out there."

*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*

Suddenly, a giant snout pushed it's way into the side of the tent. You could hear the breathing of this giant animal through the tent vinyl. Hank was taken aback, but Steve was calm. "Don't Worry Hank, I saw how to handle this on TV." With that Steve punched the giant animal right in the face. It pulled back and ran into the forest. They stayed up the rest of the night, and it passed without incident.

They packed up the next day, giant tracks circled their campsite. Many hotdogs were gone. Hank and Steve didn't find bigfoot that night, but they had quite an adventure.

Asian Television Volume 3

2007-06-30T07:55:00.000-04:00

Life is about great traditions, and I thought it was time for me to continue one of mine. Just in case you need a review of my first and second volumes, I've just included links. And now on with the program!

The Treadmill of Death.

The object of this game is to run on the treadmill. There are 4 stations along the way where there is a cookie to eat. Every time you eat a cookie, the treadmill goes faster. You need to get to the far side to win. As always with these bits.. There is always penalty for failure. The one thing I felt was odd about this was how the "failure" portion seemed a little too voluntary. I know much of it is, like in The Tongue Twister Testicle Challenge they could have avoided disaster at any second and didn't, but this one seemed different somehow.

Human TetrisHuman Tetris seems to be more a game of intelligence rather than agility to me. Contestents are asked to position their bodies in such a way that they can pass through a big moving wall. Again.. Failure = Penalty.

Game Review: Dead Rising

2007-06-22T22:07:00.000-04:00

If Dead Rising were a movie, I'd never watch it. To my knowledge, the movie it bears closest resemblance to is 28 Days Later. The game puts you in the role of Frank West, a journalist who gets a scoop that something big is going down in the small town of Willamette. He flies in on a helicopter to see that all roads into the town are blocked off, and there are fires and chaos everywhere. His pilot drops him off on the roof of the mall and tells him he'll be back to pick him up in 72 hours.

You rock, Willamette! Thank you and goodnight!

Frank shortly learns that the mall has been overrun with werewolves. No wait, zombies. Yeah, zombies. Frank has 72 hours to learn the truth and get the hell out of the mall without dying or becoming zombified. There are also survivors around the mall that you can find and escort back the security room as well as human psychopaths. After all, where there is chaos and no law, you'll see the worst sides of human nature from many people. Frank's job is to find out the truth behind the zombie invasion, and take lots of photos along the way. Taking good photos gets you XP, and thankfully Frank levels up and gets considerably stronger along the way.

The game is an absolutely gory bloodbath, and if you were to watch one play you'd think it mindless, but it's far from it. Yes, you're surrounded by zombies shambling after you and they cover damn near every square foot of the mall. Yes, you smash the fuck out of them with any and everything you can get your hands on: benches, trash cans, cds, golf clubs etc. Not to mention the fun to be had when you find the gun shop and the hardware store. But you can't get caught up in the nutsness of the constant chaos and destruction, because you're kept on a tight schedule. Apart from needing to be on the roof at the 72 hour deadline, there are plotlines unfolding along the way, and if you screw up or are late to be somewhere, you'll see the "The Truth has Vanished into Darkness" screen and BAM - game over. Reload from your last save please. From your only save, as Dead Rising only gives you one save slot. I mean, shit!

Don't ya want your balloon?!

Graphically, Dead Rising is a gorgeous, very detailed game. This game comes as close to realistically emulating the human face as any game I've ever seen. The stores are full of merchandise, the mall is laid out in a realistic and logical manner. You can pick up various outfits for Frank in the clothing shops, (including some dresses for all you cross dressers out there) swing by the food court to replenish some lost health, or grab that battle axe from the antique shop in the Entrance Plaza (sure, it's only a replica....) You'll encounter mini-bosses referred to as psycopaths in the game such as a chainsaw-wielding clown, a religious zealot sacrificing people (it's the apocalypse, kids!) and a crazed grocery store manager looking to mow down anyone who comes through the door.

Rated E for Everyone!

In short, Dead Rising is nuts, but it keeps its nuts in a very tightly controlled environment. And it's hard, and I do mean hard (insert your own pun here.) Likewise the achievements are difficult to get, and Dead Rising can at times cross that Final Fantasy line between fun and work. It's a maddening, paradoxical game. And a good fun game. It'd just be nice to not have to race the clock all the time.

Oh yeah. Don't try to play this game on a SD TV. Fuck you, Capcom.

3 wombats out of 4.

World's Deadliest Instrument

2007-06-21T22:05:00.001-04:00

I was browsing the internet and doing my daily routine. This includes going to a certain website and watching all the videos of the day. There is always a video that leaves me in my seat thinking,"Wow. That was pretty cool." Other times I will watch a video and cry from laughter (I'm not the type to piss my pants). The video I saw today is below and I felt like sharing it. It gets real good around the 1 minute mark.

Top 50 Movies: Number 43

2007-06-14T13:39:00.000-04:00

Number 43: A Christmas Story

It's certainly been awhile. You'd have to go back 5 months into the archives to find movie number 44 in my list. Many things have conspired to keep me from updating the rants page, not the least of which is my procrastination. Since the last movie post I've had a daughter, who tends to occupy some time here and there. I've also acquired an Xbox 360, which takes up way more time than the daughter. With the 360 came addictive games such as Oblivion, Viva Pinata, Catan and, most recently, the awesome Pac-Man Championship Edition.

The old man's major award.

And so here we are, with number 44 being a movie everyone has seen and everyone has some opinion on. It's a holiday tradition here, and though it's definitely overplayed around Christmas, I do find some comfort knowing that if I turn on TNT around Christmas time, this movie will be on around the clock.

A Christmas Story manages to be genuinely funny, family friendly and touching all at the same time, a tough feat for any movie. It's full of that great tongue in cheek humor I love so much. The story centers around Ralphie, the Red-Rider BB Gun he so desperately wants for Christmas, and a world full of adults who continuously warn that he's going to shoot his eye out if he gets his prize. The story takes place in the 1950s, and the time setting along with the age of the protagonist give the movie a charming naiveness.

I triple dog dare you!

The movie is chock full of memorable moments and hilarious lines. Ralphie beating the shit out of Scott Farkus is a favorite of mine. The "Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuudge..." moment is another keeper. The F dash dash dash word! A Christmas Story is a timeless classic and all that shit.