FUCK YOU A THIRD TIME BEST BUY!!!

Yes, that's right. A third time. This is the third time I've found myself forced to write a rant about Best Buy, and for some godforsaken reason I continue to shop there. Drawn in by there impressive collection of the latest gadgets and gizmos, their cheaper then average prices, and their ever friendly staff (and don't forget non-commisioned becuase they will remind you of it every fucking time), I find myself helpless to escape.

As per usual, this one goes out to their tech support. Maybe i should just make up a form-rant, for telling Best Buy to go fuck itself.

"Fuck you for the Xth time Best Buy

The [insert product name here] fucked up again. I tried to call tech support and all I fucking got from them was [insert complaint here]. Go fuck yourself Best Buy.

Sincerly, Couch."

This time it was on the purchase of a new graphics card. The 128MB DDR GeFORCE FX 5500 AGP 8X. I don't really know what all that means, but it sounded impressive and with all the rebates that Best Buy hands out so liberally, it was a steal at $69.

I'm no idiot when it comes to installing hardware. I don't know what all the parts do or what they look like but I do have an extensive understanding of the most important law of internal computer maintenance. The square peg fits in the square hole.

The great part about this rule is that its true for circle holes, rectangle holes, triangle holes, and pretty much any other shape that computer parts manufactioners can come up with. And 99.95% of the time, it works. Them's pretty damn good bettin odds if you ask me.

This was the first time I've ever tried to install a graphics card. The computer had an older GeForce 3 in it so it should have been just a simple take out the old one and put a new one in. WRONG. Nothing is ever simple when your dealing with the Geek Squad.

The old card had a four slot rectangle hole on it that seemed to connect to the power thingy. I'd seen such plugs before on floopy drives and certain other internal components. The new card had no such plug. Having never before installed a graphics card, I was unsure of what to do with the extra cable and the non-exsistant 4 slot rectangle hole it should go into. This would be a simple question for any true computer geek. I figured the answer was probably just going to be, "You don't need it" or something similar. No big deal. But I figured I'd check just to be sure. So I decide to read the instructions. They talk about what to do if there is one 4 slot rectangle hole and what to do if there are two 4 slot rectangles holes, but absolutely no mention of what to do if there aren't any 4 slot rectangle holes. *sigh. So I continue to look thru the packaging for further advice on the nonexistance of 4 slot rectangle holes on my new 128MB DDR GeFORCE FX 5500 AGP 8X (my cock gets longer just saying that), and I find the card below.

(There would have been a nice little scanned picture of the card here, but there seems to be massive problems with computers at the Couch household tonite. FUCK YOU BEST BUY.)

So I call the first number. It for NVIDIA's support line. Have you ever listened to the L.A.P.D. song on Tool's CD/DVD album called Salival. If not you should. That is exactly like what it was listening to there tech support. I literally got lost in a maze of single digit numbers for over 15 minutes. Finally it seemed I had found the right path to graphic card support. Which said, "Please goto www.nvidia.com for technical support and two video demonstrations on how to install your new graphics card." If you know anything about computers, you know that a graphics card (either onboard or agp) is needed to hook the computer up to the monitor. If this isn't working your computer is about useless. If the computer I was fixing was my only one, I would have been fucked. Also anyone who has dialup knows that online videos are useless piles of shit. Fortunately I have both several other computers and DSL so I went to the site. After fucking around there for awhile I found the tech support page. It told me to select my graphics card manufacturer. Which I did. The link sent me to a new page which said "We don't handle tech support." AAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Fuck you NVIDIA for putting me thru all that for nothing.

Next number. The geek squad. I didn't want to call the geek squad. I was afraid I'd get some guy who couldn't speak english or not get a human at all. Fortunately I was wong. The geek squad's telephone robot was actually rather entertaining and even granted me access to a human on the first menu. It also gave me the option to hear a computer being dropped from a fourth story window but I didn't go there as I figured I'd just get lost again. Hold. I hate hold. I understand the need for it, the reasons behind it, and the usefulness of it. But I will always hate being the guy who gets put on it. After waiting for 5 minutes or so (and listening to some oldie ska-type music) I finally got my human. It was very clear that he didn't know a goddamn thing about graphics cards. It was like talking to the secretary at a doctors office about your operation. They don't know shit. They aren't the doctor, they are just the fucking office help, meant to answer phones and smile. This guy was no different.

First question: "Did you call the first number?" "Yup. and after getting lost in there robitic maze of questions and push this button responses, it told me to goto www.nvidia.com and look for a demo on how to install it. I went there and found a message stating that they don't handle tech support." "Can I put you on hold while I verify that?" "Sure, I got nothing better to do" (as sarcastically as I could without being compeletly rude). After, give or take, 10 minutes (he must not have gotten as lost as I did in the maze) "I'm sorry about that. If you like I can give you the number to GeForce direct." "That'd be great!" Not waiting for me to grab a pen, "It's bla-bla- blah. Would you like me to transfer you?" "Sure! That be even greater!"

And so I was transfered to bla-bla-blah. Another robot. Not a fun one. A very serious one. But once again as luck would have the 6th option on the first menu was tech support and went directly to holding for a human person on the other end. Hawaiian music.

"Can I have your order number?" "Order number?" "Yes sir, it can be found on the packaging slip included with your product." "I don't have a packaging slip, I bought it at Best Buy." "So why are you calling us?" "Um... I didn't. I was transfered to you guys from Best Buy's Geek Squad in hopes you could answer a question about a graphics card." "No. Best Buy is a competitor of ours. The Geek Squad should not have forwarded you to us." "Um... okay." "Let me get this straight? Best Buy wants you to buy stuff from them and then expects you to use our tech support?" "Um... I guess so.. I don't really know." "What is the type of graphics card?"
"It's a GeForce. PNY industries I think." "The right number is... Do you have a pen?" "Yeah." "626-581-3001, got that?" "616?" "626. Let me make sure I gave it to you right. 626-581-3001." "Yup, perfect. Thank you very much."

While I had been waiting on hold during the first few calls, I visited this page and noticed that our very own Best Buy Geek Squad employee, Mr. Nuts had left a comment only a couple minutes before. He must be home I thought. So I called him. "Hey Mr. Nuts?" "Yeah Couch?" "Is it normal for a graphics card to not have a 4 slot rectangle hole that connects to a wire going to the power thingy?" "Um... I don't think I've ever seen one that did have it. So I'd say that's normal." "Okay thanks." There was more, and at some point my phone died and we continued our conversation about burnt cheesey bread and Katamari Damacy and Culdcept over Yahoo messenger while I wrote this rant. I'm going to go now and finish installing my new 128MB DDR GeFORCE FX 5500 AGP 8X, and pray to God that I don't have to call the geek squad with anymore questions. That and go outside and scream as loudly as I can "FUCK YOU BEST BUY!!!"