Beer and Blowjobs

"I ain't nuthin special, I'm your average kind of man. I like the frosted barley pops and I eat em out the can. Don't give a rat's ass about poetry and not a damn about prose." ~ Les Claypool

"Have a drink, get stoned, fuck a stranger, eat a twinkie. You're gonna die anyways." ~Ron Shock

"Life is fair." ~Couch

And so begins a new phase of evolution....

I recently read some study that said 75% of USA's population could technically qualify as clinically depressed. 3 out of 4 people aren't happy. WHAT THE FUCK? I don't get it. Don't get me wrong I get depressed. I get really badly depressed if I let myself. And with a family history of prozac babies, I'm fully aware that if I let it get bad enough, I'm not ever going to be able to get back out. Now you would think that would qualify me as depressive. But I don't think it does. I've never taken an anti-depressant in my life. I've been prescribed em. And lord knows, I've popped just about every other drug known to man down my cake hole at sometime or another. But not those. Why not? Becuase as shitty as life often is to me, I really do enjoy it.

A guy I know recently killed himself. Nice guy actually. Had kids that loved him. A few marital problems due to finacial problems but thats life. He was a pussy and he took a pussy's way out. You can say I'm not in his shoes, but I've been there. I've hit bottom, crawled through raw sewage and somehow managed to live another day. Not becuase I have kids who need a dad (they do). Not becuase I have a wife that loves me (well most of the time). I've survived for a very simple reason. Beer and Blowjobs.

I'm a complicated person who enjoys the simple pleasures. Beer and Blowjobs. The secret to happiness. And while I may be wasting my 138 IQ on carpentry work, its what I enjoy doing. And while it doesn't always come with blowjobs (beer however seems to be a frequent reward), it has always provided me with at least enough money to buy them.

I'm sick of whiners. And I've grown such a distaste for goth it's like a foul pile of vomit sitting in my stomach waiting to be expelled into the face of society's cryers and bitchers. I still like the clothing though. Goth chics are still hot. I just can't stand the attitude. Life isn't unfair. Sad but true. If you life is shit, its becuase YOU made it that way. Not the other guy. Not your husband. Not your boss. Not our piece of shit president. You and you alone.

Everyone wants to be the victim lately. People take offense to the stupidest of things just so that someone can feel sorry for them. Piss on you and your sorry ass life. I don't want to be the victim. A long time ago, I wrote down a list of my moral beliefs. Self-responsibility was one of those. Truthfully, I'm amazed that most of that list has not changed. As often as I tweak my personality to fit my best interests, I figured I would have either abandoned or "justified" most of them into something else. But no, they've remained pretty constant.

Growing up, I remember hearing men talk about beating the shit out of someone for no reason in particular. I remember thinking it was cavemanish and vulgar. (A defining moment in personal hypocrytism for those who know me well.) Somehow, the cavemen died or turned into pansys. I'm not really sure which. But now I listen to people talk about "would you believe what so-and-so did to me or said to me." I can't say I miss the cavemen, I do miss the sac. I miss people being able to say "Go fuck yourself." and that be the end of it. No fight. No lawsuit. No victim.

Today I have vowed to bring back two things from my youth. One be the "Go fuck yourself attitude" that I miss so dearly and two "the Wave."

I do remember a time when everyone waved to everyone else. If I saw you I waved. If you saw me, you waved. Or nodded. Either way, you acknowledged I existed and I returned the same acknowledgement. Nobody waves anymore. I've spent the last two weeks waving to every person I passed. I kept count. 78 waves. 7 returned. 3 of which were from the same guy holding the Stop/Slow sign on a construction route I travel occassionally. The other 71? Well close to a third of those probably didn't notice my wave. But the other two thirds did and choose to block me out of existance. Society has become so afraid of offending someone that they have chosen to pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. Well I exist. Free beer and blowjobs from anyone willing to give them! And please, feel free to go fuck yourself.