Sick and Disturbing Tales: Poolside dinner

It’s been awhile since I actually wrote a rant. It’s been even longer since I wrote one of my sick and disturbing tales. But, since I can’t play WoW, and I feel like shit, bored out of my mind and wondering how hungover I’m going to be in the morning, I figured I’d try and rub one out for ya’ll.

First off, you need to understand, I’m not a very nice person. I’m very selfish. I’m what most people would refer to as a “taker.” Nine times out of ten I will take the choice that benefits me the most. This story is about one time that I didn’t take that choice. It is also quite possibly the single most disgusting thing I have ever done in my entire life. And that is saying something. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen more disgusting things. Some in real life, some in extreme pornos that will forever be etched into the back of my skull. But this was the most disgusting act that I have ever willfully partaken in. And now onto the story.

Recently, me and the mrs, went on a business trip to Burlington, North Carolina. She was interviewing with a few schools down their, and it was also kind of a nice vacation/getaway for the two of us sans kids. When we go on these out of state interviews we have very few requirements as too the hotels we stay in. However, the requirements we do have are a must. One is internet usage, either wireless or business room or via in room data ports. The connection type doesn’t matter as we come prepared for any type, but it is a must that we can regularly check our email. Often interview times get changed or cancelled or she picks up more interviews with other places while were there. The second is that the hotel has a pool. We have a lot of down time between interviews and driving around and learning the area is only exciting for so long, especially with the current cost of gas. Our first hotel, advertised both and was dirt cheap. The Econolodge. When we got there the wireless internet worked intermittedly and the pool was closed. After the second night there, the internet shut down completely, and both me and Stacey were getting sick of listening to the Super Mario theme music on the Nintendo DS. So we checked out and checked into a Comfort Suites. A little more money, but it had a functioning indoor pool, hot tub, data port internet access and a business room with a computer. It turned out to be a good thing as my laptop died shortly after we arrived there.

After we unpacked everything and got set up for her interview in the morning we both went to the pool to relax. My wife loves swimming. She grew up near a lake and you can find her near a pool or beach at least 3 days out of the week. And after a couple nights vacationing in a hotel in 90+ degree weather, she was definitely looking for some time in the water. I should make note, that just before we checked in, we had gone to Sonic’s to get something to eat. Very delicious food they have there. Good ice cream too. Shortly after we entered the pool, I began to realize that swimming less then an hour after eating is not a good idea for a very good reason. That reason being that the constant motion quickly causes the partially digested food in your stomach to rise to the surface. It was about a split second after this realization that a found myself throwing up. If you have ever taken kids to a public pool, you know that if one throws up in the pool, they typically close down the pool and clean it. I was about to close down the pool for my wife. Not to mention all the other guests that were swimming in there as well. Including a very sexy 17-18 yr old black girl who looked damn fine in her two piece bikini. If that happened, the odds of me getting laid that night would be reduced to well into the negatives. I had to do something and I had to do it fast. The vomit came up too fast for me to catch it in my mouth. It was coming out no matter what. So… In an act of desperation, I cupped my hands together and caught it in them. There I stood. In the middle of the deep end, surrounded by hotel guests, all who had no idea that I was holding two heaping handfuls of my own vomit. If I tried to swim out to a side, I’d likely spill it into the pool. I was trapped. There was nowhere to go. So I did the most selfless act I could possibly think of. I buried my face into my cupped hands, and forced myself to completely slurp up and swallow all of the vomit that was in my hands. I spent the next few seconds, using all my will power to keep it down. Then, once it was under control, I went up to my room, and thoroughly brushed my teeth and rinsed it out with mouthwash. If you ever think you have true grit, try eating a bowl full of your own fully expelled vomit sometime. I doubt many have the sac to pull it off.