Sometimes Stupid Things Just Happen

I always make it a point to share nuts things with the people I know. I do my best to make sure that the people that deserve nuts things have them, and have them in as large a supply as possible. Today isn't a story of Jimbob giving to the masses though, it's Jimbob trying to give to the masses, and then making a bit of an ass out of himself.

A few years ago I discovered Nesticle. It's a fully functional NES rom emulator. If you had this and some ROMs you could play any game ever. My Nintendo had been on the fritz for a while and Nesticle allowed me to play my games without constantly blowing on the games/system to get them working. Plus it allowed me to explore games I'd never played before.

Recently, My boss was mentioning that his son was playing the original TMNT game on the NES. His claim was that the last level was "impossible". I had actually beaten that game during my childhood so I piped up. The natural follow up was "How?" and not able to remember, I vowed to bring in my emulator to show them.

I brought my emulator and all the roms I'd accumulated when I was into it. My boss said, that's a lot of games! Do you have them all? I replied, "Not sure, but I have a lot.. Some of these I've never played and have never heard of." I scrolled through the list looking for something stupid and obscure..

I found it.. I knew I'd never heard of it and it was probably a forign game given how stupid the title was. It was probably an early simulator, or maybe a rip off of "Burgertime." The truth of the situation never even entered into my thinking. I loaded the ROM. The first thing that hit me was the title screen. "Hmmm, largely reminicent of Duck Hunt.. Almost like they just reprogramed it for their title..." That's when I realized the future of things to come. I knew I needed to dump this ROM immediately.. alas, as with all games that sit on the title for too long, the game moved into it's automatic demo phase.

The game was called "Nuts and Milk"

The demo lasted only as long as it took me to hit Alt-F4, but it was long enough to spot several Dildos on the gameboard jumping about in a playful fashion. One of my co-workers said, "Was that...?" To which my boss replied, "Yes... Yes it was."

I've been through that directory tons of times, and never encountered anything I would have thought to be not safe for work. How did I fail?

Fluffy Blue Good Guy? Where's the Beef?
I searched the internet for the game in question and discovered that there really was a game called "Nuts and Milk" released in Japan for the Famicom. It had a gameboard and play largely reminicent of Donkey Kong Jr, A Hero like Kirby, and an entry screen like Duck Hunt. This game was popular because like Excitebike, you had a level editor.

Then, some asshat changed some of the sprites. Let me tell you about the new Nuts and Milk.

The entry screen I'd guess was pretty much left alone. With the exception of the word "Dick" in front of all the options. I played "Dick 1 Game A." This was actually the clue that told me I'd picked the wrong game to show Nesticle off with.

Kirby is now a big red cock. It looks like Rainbow Randolph's cookies that he gave to Smoochy in Death to Smoochy. He "walk's" on his balls. If he falls too far, he lands on his side with his shaft bent at a right angle. All you have to do to fix your cock is to jump once. The primary enemy #1 is an identical cock with the exception that it is green. Your cock must travel the gameboard while avoiding the enemy cock to collect fruit. That's right gamers, your cock is hungry for cherrys AND bananas.

Imagine the Pink and Green guys are Cocks.
Once your cock collected all the fruit, the doors to the house at the top open up. Inside, is a pair of tits with legs. No Head, no arms, but there must be a mouth someplace because the speech bubble continuously repeats, "Eat Me!" You go there to end the stage and begin the next level.

Overall I think this game sucks. I'm sure the original version sucked too, but this one is really rancid.