Cable Guy Life: The Keys

As some of you know, I spent the last 6 weeks in the Florida Keys doing an audit for Comcast. And I'll probably be going back for a couple weeks in April. Bill Hicks once quoted how much he would love to see California flushed in to the sea by an earthquake like the terd it is. For me, its Florida. I hate Florida. Its where old people go to die. I despise old people. Fuckin hate them. I hate the way they talk, the way the smell, and the way they tell their stupid fuckin stories 8 times back to back as if I give a fuck.

We were doing what is called a B1 audit. Basically going to every house that is subscribed to basic cable and making sure that they are only getting basic cable. Basic cable is BASIC. It only includes the local channels and some home shopping network bullshit. When we find someone who is getting more then basic, we take all the extra stuff away and leave them our phone number in case they have any questions or wish to upgrade for more money. In most systems, this is constantly being done so it only really finds the ones who are stealing. This was the first time it had ever been done in the Keys. 25+ years of cable and numerous hurricanes that had never been checked. On an average audit you can expect 1-5% to be stealing. We found 70%.

People have a hard time excepting when something they've been getting for free for so long is taken away from them. Old people are even worse. I don't watch TV, not even basic. So when a fuckin 90 yr old lady tells me she can't afford that on her social security checks and shes in tears cuz shes not gonna get her weather channel anymore you can guess how much sympathy I have. "Too bad, so sad, ya want it or not?" Fortunately for me Comcast frowns upon people who are stealing cable so they gave me some liberties as to how I dealt with their customers. You'd be surprised how many people will take the weather channel over being able to pay their bills. Old people are stupid.

I also got the pleasure of auditing an area in Key Largo called Ocean Reef Club . This is a large resort that requires a $100,000.00 a year membership fee. If you’ve ever had to deal with someone who is ridiculously wealthy, chances are they have a home here. This one small section of Key Largo is home to the largest collection of asshats and fucktards the world has ever seen. The most common response up there was how big of an asshole I was and how they were going to sue me. Yeah, sue me for taking away their stolen cable. My response was “well, I’m documenting it as stolen. This is your warning. If you’d like to continue this I’m sure I can move the process along a little faster and I can get an officer and came back tomorrow.” Oddly enough, rich people who have no fear of the law, do have a fear of bad publicity. I threatened more then a few and was a crank yankers customer service rep to a great many others. I do hope that the next hurricane wipes away that little piece of hell and send all of its members floating into the sea. God knows all those old money faggots couldn’t swim if their life depended on it. Which reminds me… Q. What does a 70 year old snatch smell like?

1. Depends.

Anyways, I will likely be going back there in April to the middle Keys and Key West. I’ve been told there’s more locals there and less old assfucks. Either way it’s damn good money to tell people to fuck off. Fun Fun Fun.