A Journey into the Heart of Darkness

This day began in an uneventful fashion. I awoke around noon and, finding little to eat or drink in the house, decided to make the 45 second journey to my friendly neighborhood Meijer's. I go to Meijer's pretty frequently, but I had never been there on a Sunday. Being the pious man that I am, I rarely leave the house on The Sabbath. As it was The Lord's Day, I expected to find a beautiful world of people smiling and chatting and being really really nice to each other. After all, what reason was there to be upset? I figured that the only ones with anything to worry about were the aetheists, terrorists and fags; after all, God protects his flock.

Meijer's on Sunday is hell on earth, especially if you decide to use a shopping cart. I'm not sure whether evil is drawn to this location or originates here, but either way I'm pretty sure Meijer's has to be destroyed. The store was chock full of careless, incosiderate pig fuckers armed with shopping carts. The people were clogging the aisles like turds choking a toilet. For every decent being in the store, there were 2 retarded monkies who would hold up traffic, pushing their cart down the middle of the aisle, stopping every 8 seconds to pull out a fistfull of coupons. I started off very patient, moving at the slow pace of the people around me. I would smile and wait for the incosiderate pricks around me. After about 10 minutes of this my patience was gone. All I saw was red. I no longer saw a jar of pickles in my cart, I saw instead a ranged weapon which I could shatter against the soft fleshy cranium of one of my enemies. I wanted to stick a can of tuna fish up someone's ass.

I saw a girl who had to be at least 10 years old riding in her mother's shopping cart, reading a book. It looked like a gorilla trying to ride in a Volkswagen. What's wrong with these people? Do they only come out on Sundays? Where are they the rest of the week? Do they hold down jobs and, if so, HOW? They seemed lethargic, unmotivated and unfriendly. I had plenty of time to ponder this before reaching the checkout. I finally pulled my cart into checkout lane 23 and breathed a sigh of relief. My trials for this day were over. Or were they?

While waiting in line, I got further insight into the collapse of the human race by gazing at the magazines by the front counter. Everywhere were pictures along with headlines such as "Kirstie Alley - TOO FAT FOR SEX!!!!" showing Alley looking wretched and giving the photographer the finger. Under the picture was the exclamation that she hadn't head sex in 4 years. "Mary Kate Olsen's Mystery Scar!" "The truth behind why Lindsay Lohan got DUMPED!" with a picture of Lohan dressed like a whore but looking very sad. Jesus fucking christ people, what in god's name is wrong with everyone? These people aren't gods. They aren't your friends. They are just people who you don't know. You could get cancer and lie rotting in your bed/tomb for the next twenty years and Lindsay Lohan wouldn't give a shit. She is just a person. Before I could hoist the magazine rack over my head and throw it into the lane next to me like a chair at a Pistons game, something stopped me.

A chill washed over me as a cart pulled up behind me. Afraid to look, I simply faced forward and listened for any clues as to what sort of lesser demon had chosen to wait in my lane. I heard what sounded like a young child having an episode of sorts. He was growling and sort of screeching and yelling through clenched teeth. "But you said!! I wan' drink!" The child sounded as though he was no longer human. His mother was calmly explaining to him that since he was being an asshole, he would be getting nothing. The child thing was jumping up and down and growling. It seriously reminded me of little Regan from The Excorcist. (Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karas!) Finally, I heard the mother say in a low, raspy, One-more-word-and-I'll-fucking-kill-you sort of voice "Stop. Right now." As I began loading my items onto the conveyor belt I chanced a look at the denizens of the underworld stationed behind me. What I saw terririfed me.

The power of Christ compels you!

I half expected the little fucker to start speaking in tongues and projectile vomiting all over the woman who was trying to restrain him. He was clearly either possessed by a demon or had been playing Grand Theft Auto or possibly other violent video games. Either way, I was getting the fuck out of there. My trip to Meijer's taught me two things: 1) I shouldn't leave the house on Sunday anymore and 2) there is no god.