Sick And Disturbing Tales: The Little Brown Monster

This is an oldie. It happened about two years and was published then along with a whole bunch of other crap. So I plucked this little nugget of joy out of the rest of the crap and cleaned it up, reedited it, and am posting it here for all to enjoy once again.

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What I'm about to tell you is a true story of which I'm rather embarassed of (if such a thing is possible). And although I have no witnesses, the fact that I'm telling the story should be witness enough...

As of then I'd been working for Joe "The Hammer." I'd been doing bids, repairings the walls in his shop, updating his computer stuff, and just general all around maitenance. This day was no exception. For lunch, me and my cousin Clay went to the Avoca store to grab something to eat. We were going to go to K's Diner but neither of us had very much money on us. I don't think I had any. I think he paid for it all. Sucker.

Anyways, they had subs there. And one of them was this italian sub just covered in yellow peppers. Recently, I've grown an affinity for yellow peppers. I'm not really sure why but they are just really good. So, I grabbed it right up and took it home, along with some sun chips and half a gallon of chocalate milk. Mmm mmm good. Back at the ranch, I covered that baby in kraft miracle whip (as if there is any other kind of mayo), some pickles, a little oregano, salt & pepper, some parmeson, and anything else I could find and dove in. It was a very delicious sub. Not as good as a cheesecake, but still pretty damn good.

The biggest problem I have with yellow peppers is that they give me gas. Now I realize that I discuss shit a lot, but I really am grossed out about it. Feces, shitting, and farting really do disgust me. But at the same time I find them entertaining. And so does everyone else apparently as dick and fart jokes have been around forever. It's kind of a love hate relationship. Well, these yellow peppers were no exception. I've never has gas as bad as I did that day, but then again, I'd never eaten that many yellow peppers before. It was non-stop. And very wet sounding. I had to check myself a few times becuase I wasn't sure if more then air had seaped out of my asshole. I dont wear underwear. so if I would have leaked it would have been all down my leg and that just would have been really gross. Yuck, yuck, yuck, bleeah. But it never leaked, so that was good.

After awhile, I started getting cocky about the farts. It's a guy thing, I don't really understand it either. You know, I'd lift one leg or stick my ass out or whatever, just something to let everyone know I was releiving myself of some pressure. This continued all that night, non-stop, and was still going when I fell asleep that night. (You can ask my wife, she'll verify, it was really bad.)
At about 5pm that day, I had gotten sick of working and went home. The best part about working for "The Hammer" is that I get to start and leave whenever I want to. I got home, checked the mail, and proceeded to take a shower. I had been working on building walls all day and insulating them, so I was really dirty and itchy. I hate working with insulation, but at least the shop is much warmer now. I can wear just a long sleeved shirt in there and be semi-comfortable until someone opens the doors.

Anyways, I stripped off all of my itchy clothing. Started the water running and went to go find a cd to listen too while I took my shower. I grabbed "King Missile : The Way To Salvation" for anyone that really cares to know. In fact, I was listening to "John S. Hall : Real Men" in psuedosurround sound when I first wrote this two years ago. Nutz, huh? "How much longer" is one of the most fucking nuts things I have ever heard.

Back to the task at hand. On my way back into the bathroom I felt a monster fart coming on, so I stuck out my ass and got ready. It was severly disapoining though. It just sort of oozed out with a kind of "ploolp" noise at the end.

I sat down on the toilet and took a shit. Now as some of you know I can shit very fast. Like 30 seconds fast. Well, up till just then, I had never realized the problems with being able to shit so fast. As I was sitting there I noticed a farily small (about 2 and a half inches long, 1 inch in diameter) nicely tapered and smooth bodied little turd on the floor in front of me. It instantly occured to me what the little "ploolp" noise had been, and about half an instant latter I turned around and threw up into the toilet. I grabbed some toilet paper, picked up the turd and threw it in with the rest of the turds and vomit. It looked like something the A.G.'s would leave behind in a tiolet at Gencon or something. I then flushed it all down and took a long shower, extensivley cleaning myself and getting all the possible ickyness off of me. The end.