A whole new world

Since yesterday I've been looking at the world in a completely new and different perspective. And while this new world is a great deal more comfortable, the view sucks. This past summer I did something that I was unaware of at the time but has apparently changed the rest of my life for the worse. In less then a month's time, I managed to tear both of my corneas. I thought little of it at the time as it wasn't terribly painful and seemed to fix itself in a matter of days. What I was unaware of was the extent of the actual damage it had done to my eyes. For the past 15 years, I've worn contacts. Big thick ones. I'm more or less blind without them. However since this past summer, I've been having a harder and harder time dealing with bright lights. So I went in and got my eyes checked. They were pretty bad. The tear-ers don't seem to be working properly and the tearing of my corneas, despite my fast healing rate, left behind "superficial damage" that makes it so bright lights actually hurts me. Not fun. Not fun at all. The solution? Permeated contacts or glasses.

So I tried the contacts. They helped the tear-er problem emensly but still didn't solve the bright lights. And even being permeated they still dryed up real bad once the weather got warm. So last night I got glasses. Transition lenses. Anti-glare. Magnetic clip-on shades. Industrial strength frames that were still thin enough that I could look sexy in them. And last but not least, lenses that are 1/4" thick. And yes, that is as thick as a coke bottle. In short, I bought an $800 dollar pair of glasses. Fortunately, I flirted with the eye doctor so she let me use her AAA card for a 30% discount. She was old enough to be my mom, but she thought I was cute, and after all, money is money.

Here's seven and a half reasons why glasses suck:

1. Water. Contacts don't get rain on them. And if they do, it makes them feel better. Glasses don't work in the rain. They get all blurry and everything looks fuzzy. I can't go swimming. While not reccomended, I could wear contacts in the water. Now I'm gonna be swimming into the walls of the pool and into other peoples feet. And I can't wear glasses in the shower either. Which means that when I'm having shower sex with my beautiful wife, I don't get to see her. She is just a fuzzy blur. I suppose I'd be okay with that if she was ugly, but she's not so it's just one more thing I have to miss out on.

2. Fog. Like water, fog also makes glasses shitty. If its too hot out, they fog up. If its too cold out, they fog up. If its too humid, they fog up. If its too arid, they fog up. What the fuck? We've had glasses for a couple hundred years now and they still can't figure out how to make a lense that doesn't fog up everytime you breathe without smearing on half an inch of green gooey shit all over it first?

3. Appearance. I look like a nerd now. Some people can make glasses look sexy. I'm not one of them. With my shaved head and scarred face, it just doesn't work. I gotta stick to rough and tumble looks to make myself look sexy becuase the professional look is awfully stupid when you have scars across your chin and cheeks and are usually recovering from a scratch, cut, or tear in the flesh at any given time.

3.5. Appearance (part 2). I went to buy alcohol tonite. The lady didn't beleive it was me on my license. Glasses suck and so do dumb cashiers at Meijers.

4. Clip-on shades. Mine have little magnets in them that attach to little magnet receivers on the frames. While I have very nimble fingers, it still takes me over five minutes to figure out how to get the things to stick together right. (must be my bad hand-eye coordination)

5. Bubble vision. Glasses are great as long as you are looking directly at what you want to see. If I look to either side though it becomes like that bubble screen-saver that comes with M$ Windows. And perifial vision is non-existant. Well as long as you don't count that huge fucking black line where the edge of my frame should be.

6. Durability. With contacts, I could take them out, step on them, put them in my mouth, roll them up into little balls and nine times out of ten they wouldn't rip or tear. Not so with glasses. Glasses break easy and scratch even easier. So now I have to worry about dropping them or putting them away properly. I have to worry about when a cop nails me in the head with the butt of his rifle becuase I called him a pig and told him I was having sex with his mother. I can't just let people hit me in the face with shovels and baseball bats. This is just so much extra stress that I don't need.

7. Cost. If I rip a contact it costs me about $10 to replace it. If damage my glasses, it costs me $800 to replace them. Well $500 if I flirt with someone with a AAA card. I suppose if I ate her out I would have gotten her employee discount on top of that, but she was old enough to be my mom and though she wasn't bad looking, I gotta stop somewhere.