Come get your EELS

Recently I was abducted by aliens. This wasn't your typical abduction either.

My first reaction was one of fear, but they encouraged me with some kind of telepathy:

"DON'T BE AFRAID, WE AREN'T HERE FOR AN ANAL PROBE, WE JUST WANT TO TALK."

Naturally I was happy to hear that! My ass hasn't healed from their last anal probe and the thought of another nearly drove me to tears. But their statement I found interesting and I engaged them in conversation. I asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

To be to the point, they have been abducting and giving anal probes to people for a good long while now and have come to a shocking conclusion that we humans are self destructive and largely stupid. I wasn't shocked by the self destructive part. I've be briefed on Religeous Zealots, Reality TV, NASCAR, and Britney Spears. As I turned this thought over in my head I realized that it was meant that these things were one package, not seperate packages. Self Destructive and Stupid went hand in hand for them.

I encouraged them to tell me why they were telling me this and they said I had to make a choice for all humanity.

"JIMBOB, WE HAVE THESE EELS THAT WE CAN ATTACH TO EVERY HUMAN BEING THAT WHEN CONNECTED WILL TAKE OVER ALL CEREBRAL FUNCTIONS. IF YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA, WE'LL GIVE THEM TO EVERYONE MAKING THE HUMAN RACE NOT SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AND NOT LARGELY STUPID FOREVER. THE HUMAN RACE WILL CEASE AND A NEW RACE OF HUMAN / EEL HYBRIDS WILL ROAM THE EARTH."

I mulled this over for a long time. Would the human race be happy as EEL hybrids? Certainly this would cause a war between those that embraced the EEL revolution and those that wanted to avoid it. I came to the conclusion that the EELS would be self defeating in the sense they would cause the very thing they were meant to stop. So I offered a counter proposal.

I decided to infect the world with baby eels that would be undetectable until all people had them. Then like a light switch, all people would be taken over together.

"THAT IS A GOOD PLAN, HOWEVER IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL OF YOUR GENERATIONS TO INFECT EVERYONE. THANK YOU JIMBOB FOR SEEING THINGS OUR WAY. FOR YOUR HELP, WE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SELECT A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE TO BE EXEMPT FROM EEL IMPLANTATION."

Naturally I saved myself and my descendants, with the clause that should any of them choose to one day have an EEL, one would be made available. I've solved the problem of war, famine, intolerance, and injustice.

ALL HAIL THE EELS!!