Woooshhh

So I was driving home the other day talking with Snocone on the phone when the topic of talking on the phone while taking a dump came up. I'm a big fan of this. I do it to people all the time and always love hearing the disgust in their voice right after I flush. I don't typically spend alot of time on the toilet so its pretty easy for me to have an entire conversation that lasts longer then the time it takes me to drop the kiddies off at the pool. Occassionally, I'll sit and relax for a bit. Like if I have a good book to read or if I brought my laptop in. Then, I'll do my business and just sit and waif in the smell of my muchness while I chat with people on Facebook or type up a rant (like I am doing at this exact moment.) Anyways, our conversation led to how comfortable a toilet seat can be and just turned dark from there.
I think the reason the seats are so comfortable is the hole in the center. My junk can just hang free like the little baby Jesus intended. And my tailbone doesn't get pushed up against anything. If you ever notice those pads they have for office chairs, they always come in a doughnut shape. It's just simple ergonomics. The best toilet seats are the ones with the padding. The little cusion on them that makes a wooooshhh noise when you sit down. They are great. So comfy. Just have to make sure some asshat doesn't pee on them. The wet spots and yellow urine stains will take out every ounce of comfort.
One of the best parts of the woooshhh seats is the just that, the woooshhh. It's purely accidently where the woooshhh comes out at, but it is due to the compression of air escaping thru whatever whole the vendor put in the seat. 9 times out of 10, that hole face towards the back of the toilet or out one of the sides. But every once and awhile you get lucky. When the hole is in the back of the seat facing in towards the middle is when you can possibly experience one of lifes little pleasures. The blowing of air on your scrotum. Everybody loves a nice breeze down below. Its refreshing and helps to counteract all the sweaty buildup and funk smell that gets down there from having your junk all bunched up in a pair of pants. God doesn't want you to crunch your junk. He wants it to hang free. Thats why Adam wore a leaf.
I think I'll invent a seat that purposely blows air on my nuts every time I sit down. That would be awesome. You could even scent it. Make the funk a little fresher. Maybe a lilac or vanilla scent. Or lemon... Everybody loves lemon balls.

I'm not a smart person. And even though I am ADD and can multitask like a son of a bitch, I'm not good at orgies. The problem with orgies is theres just too many bodies. It confusing. You never know who you're grabbing or sometimes, even what your grabbing. Say you're in a pile, you grab ahold of a nice tight ass. And you move your hand down south to do some "sharkin". You expect to find a nice warm pussy but all you end up with is some dude's junk. Why? becuase he thinks its cool to shave his ass, so that you can't tell the difference between his ass and the hot blond you thought you were palming. I don't want to hold his junk anymore than he wants me to. It's crazy. And then you have penis flopping all over the place. You'll be going down on some nice tasty twat, and all the sudden you get poked in the eye with some mansteak. Now you've got a black eye when you goto work on Monday. How the hell do you explain that one to your co-workers. "Some dude poked me in the eye with his hard-on." That'll go over smooth I'm sure. Sex just isn't meant to be enjoyed like that. It's too much work. It's just not fun. Thats why I do it the way God intended. never with anymore then 4 other people. You know, keep it simple. That way I always know whos balls I'm grabbing.

Rockin to the Oldies

First off, let me say, I am a try-sexual. In the effect that I will try pretty much anything once and most things more then once. Not so keen on vomiting or deification, but thats mostly because both make me vomit. Could I tweak my head, throw a few switchs and make it so it did turn me on? Probably, but I can't think of a good reason why I would want too. Not so sure about police women though. The idea of getting a baton shoved up my ass is a little intimidating. I don't think my asshole could handle that much. Now I'm drifting. Back on topic.

Anyways. My wife was reading in Cosmo that married men think about poker when they are having sex. And that they only think about sex the first time. I don't think thats true. Conveniently, I'm reading a book by Chuck Palanuik called "Choke" that touches on the same subject. Very good book, and movie. Strongly recommend both. In the book, the main character is a sexaholic. To prevent himself from cumming instantly every time he has sex, he thinks about aborted babies, dead puppies, rat feces or other disgusting things. I don't suffer that problem. My sex life is slightly more normal.

Most of the time, when I'm having sex, I pace myself to finish the same time as my wife. If I'm running behind, I think about another person in bed with us. Sometimes its a guy, maybe doing DP or fingercuffs. Usually its another female doing pretty much anything. Whatever works with whatever position we are currently in. When I'm running ahead I don't think of dead babies, mutilated kittens, rodent diarrhea or retarded gopher masturbation. I think about rocking chairs.

It's always the same rocking chair. Sometimes its black or white or wood grain or blue or whatever, but its always the same chair. The background is always the same too. It's a candlelit background but you can't see the candle. Just the yellowish-reddish hue of light. Sometimes it's rocking. Sometimes not. There's never anyone sitting in it though.

I started thinking about this today. What does the rocking chair symbolize? Apparently, it's the most boring thing I can think of. Which may or may not reflect my views in favor of the euthanization of the elderly. Or maybe I need to go sit in front of the Cracker Barrel and fuck an Amish chick in one of those rockers out front. Either way, if my heart doesn't explode within the next 15 years, I may find myself in a rather self-conflicting position.

Trouble at the Bathhouse

Been a while since this site has seen activity. I thought I'd spice things up with a tale.

I went camping last summer. It was the typical County Park camping complete with forest, lake, campfires, and fresh air. The four elements of nature were well represented.

During the adventure, my family had an encounter with a woman. She was completely trashed out of her mind and was taking her kid to shit at the bathhouse. The bathhouse was closed for cleaning, usually takes about 15 minutes, and is an absolute nesessity. My mom, aunt, and cousin witnessed the events.

The woman asked if her kid could use the bathhouse since he "had to shit." The park ranger informed her it was closed for cleaning, and that the kid would have to wait. I have to imagine her drunken attitude had something to do with the denial. I would like to think had he been addressed by a young child squirming in discomfort, he would have been acomodating.

But in this case, he denied her. She threatened to have her boyfriend beat him up, with no success. The park ranger left her to finish his job. The women instructed her kid to shit in the flower bed next to the entrance. With couch like speed, he did. Then she began to pace, muttering.. "I should rub that shit in his face.. I should rub that shit in his face.." Several times she headed away, only to return continuing to mutter... "I should rub that shit in his face..."

She finally made her choice and ripped a leaf off one of the larger plants in the flower bed and picked up the shit. Then walked toward the door. When she got there, the quiet voice in her head that was all along trying to save that man's face finally had some effect. She didn't wipe shit in the man's face, instead she smeared it all over the bathhouse's glass door.

My mom gave in to fear at this point, riding away as fast as her bike would travel. My aunt and cousin stayed for the end and then reported back. By the time I got there, they had powerwashed the entire door, surrounding walls, and sidewalk.

Later, we learned that the park management, "didn't have the balls to throw them out." Basically it was a failure of humanity all the way around.

Despite this ordeal, I still had a fun camping trip.

1000XP.

PC Gaming is an Enigma

Here is an article copied and pasted from Twenty-Sided which I'm a big fan of. Shamus writes about video games and roleplaying games a lot. If I could could make him a board gamer on top of it, it'd probably be my home page. The following is an analogy about how a non-techie feels when trying to buy a graphics card for their PC:

Hey man, I need a new toaster. You know all about kitchen stuff. Have any suggestions?
The KitchenAid4000 series just came out.
Are those good?
I have a KA4510, and it’s really good.
Does it have 4 slots?
Oh you want 4 slots? Well, the KA4510 XN goes up to four slots, but it only toasts one side.
Let’s pretend I want to toast both sides.

Then you probably don’t want a KitchenAid. Their 4000 series 4-slicers aren’t very good. You could get one of the old KA3510 XN or XNS for cheap these days, but they take like, twenty minutes to toast the bread.
Er. What else is there?
The Cuisinart 7000 series is comparable to the KA 4000 series. The 7420, 7520, and the 7420 all do four slices. Just don’t get any of the SIP models because they can’t do bagels.
SIP?
“Slim Insertion Port”. The units are small, but only regular sliced bread will fit. KA has the same thing on many of their units. Actually, if you want to do bagels with a KA you’ll need the ASI units.

Which is?
“Adaptable Slot Interface”. It just means it can handle bread of varying widths.
So I should get a Cuisinart ASI?
No no no. That’s nonsense. In Cuisinart the units all handle wide bread unless they are SIP.
My head hurts. So I want a Cuisinart 7000 series, but not a SIP, right?

Pretty much. Now, the 7000 series is actually two generations. You don’t want anything before the 7400, because the pre-7400 units actually took up two wall plugs. The 7100 and 7200 four-slotters were actually two dual-slot units strapped together, so they had two cords. Plus, they didn’t have a timer so you had to stand over them yourself.
All I want is to toast bread! Four slices! Both sides!
Then the C7520 T series is for you. You can pick one up at Wall-Mart for about $400 these days.
FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS! I could buy an oven for that! I could just go out to eat every morning for that kind of money!
Ah, if you’re worried about price then the KitchenAid 4510 ES is a good pick. It’s only got three slots but it’s retailing for about $90.

I’m looking in the Wal-Mart flyer, but I don’t see that model.
Sure you do. Right here: The “Magitoast 7″. See how underneath it says “KA4510 Ex”? That means it’s the KitchenAid 4510 ES or the KitchenAid 4510 EP, just with a brand name slapped onto it.
…?
KitchenAid and Cuisinart don’t actually sell models directly. They make the insides parts of toasters, then other companies buy them, put the fancy shell on them, and give them a new brand name. But if you want to know what you’re getting, you have to look at which design the unit is based on.

Ah! I get it! Then why don’t I get this “TastyToast 2000″, which is like that 7520 you mentioned earlier. This one is only $50.
Er. That’s not the same thing. That’s a 7520 OS. The OS means “One Slice”. Total bargain unit for suckers. Some goes for the 6000 series and anything with a MRQ after it.
You know what? I’ve decided I don’t want toast anymore. I’m switching to breakfast cereal.

Good article. He writes more after this for those of you who want to go forth and check it out.