College Tales: The Phantom Menace

My Second Year at OU.. A great year on many levels. My roomate Rob managed to sign up with me as my roomate again after year 1. Rob's return to OU did not hold with it fan fairs or fireworks. Rob's return was with baggage.

My first clue that Rob had changed was his extreme interest in my computer. Rob might have thought it to be a modern birdcage my first year there, but the second year, it was definately a free telephone. Rob had managed to land himself a internet girlfriend. Let me say this again once more with feeling. Rob was having cybersex with a chick in New Hampshire, and my computer was to be the medium for this.

Of course I didn't know that at first, I just thought he was moving up in the world. I will start from the beginning. My wife and I went to the same college. I spent a lot of time there hanging out with her and her roomates since my room wasn't the jumping hotspot that I would have liked. Around 1am I left her room to go back to mine. On the way I picked up some free TP from the front desk. I entered my room with my standard, "Unlock, twist, push, all one motion, maximum speed" procedure. Rob was at my computer as I expected. I was suprised to see he was on the phone. What I didn't expect was the way in which he hid his crotch with his T-Shirt. For the briefest of moments I was taken aback and stepped into the bathroom to recompose. Ok, Rob was jacking off, in my chair, at my desk. Goddamn... It didn't take very long before I got pissed. I came back out and approached Rob. "I need in my desk." I said in a non-nonsense tone. Rob slid the chair to the left a bit. "No, I need in my chair." I don't know if that was the correct move or not, looking back it was harmless. Rob stood up careful to keep a hand on his pants. I was suprised that he decided to finish his phone call.

I brought this to the attention of my pal Travis. Travis was a theater major. He loved drama, and this was drama at it's best. We began to wonder if the girl was even real. Perhaps she was just a phantom in his head. Thanks to George Lucas, we got a full nickname for the girl. The Phantom Menace.

I went to bed. That night he was typing on ICQ until 4am. Damn him. My bios password went into effect the next morning. I let him know he was disqualified. He then started using the phone. Hours and Hours of phone usage. He'd retreat to the computer lab for I guess Cyber-Forplay if you can imagine such a thing. Eventually, about midway through the semester, he says. "Natilie is coming to see me." I was shocked.

"For how long?"
"A week, we'll probably get a room over the weekend."

I wasn't crazy about Rob. I really wasn't hot on the idea of internet girl showing up for a week. My OJ reserves would never handle the strain.

"She's not staying here in the room is she?"
"Yeah, is that a problem?"
"Actually yeah, that's a BIG problem."

Clearly this wasn't what Rob had expected.

"Oh... OK."

I wasn't sure what that meant, but I'd eventually find out. That whole week before I sought the council of Mr_Nuts, Couch, and several others. In the end I slept with a dagger. No shit there. The night of her drive from NH to OU, Rob sat vigil at the phone guiding her through Canada. Several wrong turns and bad noise led her to be really late. By the time she reached the Port Huron / Sarnia border, she had depleted her finances. So much so, there wasn't enough for bridge fare.

"Hey Jim, I need to borrow your car."

Anyone who knows me would know how that went.

"No."
"Natalie is at the Blue Water Bridge and can't cross."
"No."
"What is she going to do?"
"Something else. Bridge fare is $2 to cross. Sing songs for cash like in the 60's, I don't care. No car for you."

He did manage to get a car off a pothead friend of his. The story goes he got searched and his buddy's pot was spotted by customs. The fact he didn't get arrested means he's a smooth talker or it was a cover for the wild nastiness that went on in the car, and the reason for his late return. On arrival, the public lounge on our floor was transformed into a love nest for the two savages. Two Loveseats = a Full Size Bed. She even brought appliances for the room. I remember the TV in there. Stupid.

I'm sure some of you out in Cyberland want to know all about my phantom friend. Here's a brief biography.

Natalie
Approx Height: 5'2"
Approx Weight: 180
Hair: Red
Personality Disorder: Manic Depressant
Favorite Morning Drink: OJ - figures.
Favored Enemy: Jimbob
Gold: 0
Movement: 30
AC: 9 Base 10 Dex -2 Size +1
Attack Bonus: +1
Damage: Bite 1d4-1

The night I got home and there was an empty OJ container in the fridge, I flipped. I mean psycho trip. I smashed the container and pitched it into the trash can. I was ready to kill. He payed me for the OJ with spare change he dug out of the Loveseat(s). At some point se got him to bleach his hair. Try and imagine THAT one.

One week turned into two. Rob blew off two tests during this time. People I never met before were coming up to me asking when the girl would be leaving. I would reply, "MAYBE SHE'LL NEVER LEAVE!" But eventually she did. Back home to NH, but the story doesn't end there my friends, no,deeper it goes.

About a week later I left for work as usual around noon. Rob was asleep when I left. I went to work for 3 hours and on my return, he was gone. I thought, "He's at class." I went to my classes and on my return he was still gone. I thought, "Dinner." After 24 hours I began searching the room. He had taken his pillow, some clothes, and his prized Bob Dylan LP. I thought, "New Hampshire." After 2 weeks of enjoying my solitude, I decided it was time to call his parents. Words cannot explain the terror I placed into the hearts of those two people. It was by no means my intent, simply the reality of the situation. Their son was gone for two weeks, and I had no concrete information to give them. I had some very promising leads though. After a few hours, they had tracked him down in NH. Rob had decided not to return. The two of them had racked up a $2000 phone bill and needed to work it off. Rob's parents came to the dorn to clean out his stuff. I could tell they were mentally drained. I tried to be as friendly as I could, but in the end I was only making their lives miserable.

Rob sent an e-mail out to everybody apologizing for bailing out without a word. He worked off his half of the debts, but her insanity got the better of him and he did eventually return home after a year. He was at OU again during my third year.

That is the tale of The Phantom Menace.