Back to the story at hand...

I feel kinda bad about not writing any rants in a while. It's not becuase I don't have anything to write. Quite the contrary actually. I've got lots to write, but working so much lately, crunching numbers all day, running a jobsite, keeping track of three different bids that are out, and several stresses that are going on in the rest of my non-work day to day life, has left me with a brain that looks like one of those "brain on drugs" commercials. I ate it with a side of bacon yesterday. It was good.

I been watching "My name is Earl" every now and then when I get home early. It's a good show. Jason Lee is a funny guy. Thank you Kevin Smith for giving him his big break in Mallrats. But thats not what this rant is about so let's get back to the story at hand...

I was filling up my gas tank tonite on my way home. 80 fucking dollars for 5/8's of a tank. Bullshit. So I'm sitting there and I'm reading the signs and the pump slowly slugs gallons away and raises the dollar amount like a fat boy on a sugar cookie. And I'm thinking of the good days. Ya know, when gas was affordable. When a buck fifty seemed fucking outrageous. And there it is. Milk for a $1.99 a gallon. And I'm like "damn, why the fuck is gas more expensive then milk?" Milk on a bad day is $2.70 a gallon. And thats for the good shit. Fuckin premium dairy. Not this watered down skim assed shit that we poor into our gas tanks and that my mom stocks her fridge with. Who the fuck drinks that shit anyways? Why not just buy a gallon of full-on vitamin D milk and a gallon of spring water (which costs like next to nuthin). Mix the two in a bucket and walla, ya got two gallons of skim assed shit for like half the price. Same awful fucking taste. Same watered down texture. Same nutrition. Just half the fuckin price. But thats not what this rant is about so let's get back to the story at hand...

So I start thinking. Cars can't run off of milk. Damn shame. Fuck, I can't think of nothing that runs of milk. Well, almost nothing. Babies. Babies fucking drink that shit all day long and then shit and piss it out when they ain't crying, screaming, eating, or crawling around and drinking bottles of liquid Draino that ya kept under the sink and weren't paying attention to the little brat so BAM, next thing ya know you're on your way to the hospital to get their stomaches pumped. Crazy shit. But thats not what this rant is about so let's get back to the story at hand...

So I'm thinking we could put a bunch a babies on a treadmill and just pump milk into them and put a back up motor that runs off of feces (cuz I know they got those), and we'd have reliable vehicles that would use cheap gas. Well at least reliable gas, cuz milk never goes up in price on the weekends and when a hurricane hits or we drop a few bombs in a fuckin desert wasteland sometime becuase we have nothing better to do and we think that the American public is stupid enough to vote us back into office if we do it and we turn out to be right, milk remains the same. Milk is solid. And we can always get more milk. Breed more cows. Milk more cows. Make more milk. It inexhuastable. Well unless there is some sort of Mad Cow plague that covers the entire Earth but really? What are the odds of that? I mean, I suppose it could happen. I suppose the government would pay people to induce there cows with Mad Cow disease so that it would kill them off and allow them to raise the price of milk. Like they do with crops. I grew up on a farm, and the government really does that shit. While we got thousands of people fucking starving, the government pays farmers to burn their fields down so as to increase the value of corn or soybeans or wheat. That way they can tell everyone they are "helping the farmers" when in actuallity it doesn't do shit for the farmers as the cost of seed goes up as well, and the only ones who profit off it is some fucking dirty politician whose playing the corn commodities on fuckin Wall Street. But thats not what this rant is about so let's get back to the story at hand...

So I start thinking, what kinda speeds are ya gonna get with a bunch of 4 month olds crawling around on a treadmill? Well, you'd definately have to play with the torque. Those little monkies have an endless supply of energy and if you slip a No Doze pill into their milk, they'll go for hours. Like one of those fuel additivies that help your car run better. The biggest problem would be saftey issues. When you hit your brakes cuz some jack ass decides to make a left turn 10 feet after the actual road, you don't want your engine getting a concussion and stalling out on ya. So we use something like a hamster wheel and just pump the milk into them introveinously. Babies are pretty fucking durable. They can bounce around quite a bit and since they are all cartilage it doesn't really hurt them. And if it does, who gives a shit, you're helping out millions of adoption clinics across the world by taking the burden off their shoulders. With the hamster wheel, the feces could fall through all the little cracks, and feed the secondary shit-burning engine in the back. Even if you slam on your brakes, the kid won't go to far, cuz the wheel keeps it in a tight little space and you don't have to worry about it really hurting itself. Hell, I remember when I was a kid, back before all this "Child Safty" bullshit, putting babies to sleep on the dash. No room there now with your cell phone, coffee cup, i-pod, newspaper, and yesterday's mail, but at one time it was okay. I never wore a seat belt or sat in one of those goofy fucking seats that take you a fuckin hour to figure out how to get in or out of the goddamn car. I was even in a few accidents and I turned out alright. I'm a fucking Alright Guy. It doesn't get any more goddamn Alright then that. But thats not what this rant is about so let's get back to the story at hand...

Actually, I'm not entirely sure where the rant is going anymore. Babies running cars, what the fuck was I thinking? Thats just crazy talk. Everyone knows you can't let babies run cars. They don't get their driver's licsences till they are at least 18 and by then they only drink pop and beer. So just completely disregard everything I said above. Crazy talk... Fuckin crazy talk....