They thought I'd never find out, but I did, and now it's my turn to re-write a little history. Roughly 10 years ago, I was damn nuts. There was a tiny conspiracy to get ME of all freaking people to be the prom king. Now I've had a chance to sleep off an absolute shitload of bloody marys and had some time to consider this further.
I don't know how much truth there was to that. After all I was no prom king that I can recall. I had not the desire or the testiculiar fortitude to be the prom king. Prom Kings are supposed to grow up to be construction workers. Prom Kings are not usually dorks that evolove into larger dorks.
However, had I actually become Prom King, the order of events would have gone something like this. Perhaps this will help to confirm the fears of those who stole said crown from my head...
- The votes are tallied and Jimbob wins the crown. Screams of both joy and WTF can be heard in every hallway. If you were close enough to me, you'd notice me say something like, "NOW FOR THE AGE OF NUTS!!!! BRING FORTH THE SACRIFICES MY DECIPLES!!"
- The "Black Chevy" is re-decorated into a Greek Chariot, complete with seals of approval on the sides. For the remainer of the school year, I dress in purple silk and where the crown (as shown above). Several teachers force me to remove it.
- The Newspaper gets my name wrong. I order their buildings torched and their workers enslaved. The manager is sacrificed.
- I order a "Cyclone" pinball game tourney for a shot at the "Floatride".
- With no parade to speak of, I order the newspaper crew to block off the streets and I ride the Black Chariot down main street chucking cans of Mountian Dew and Dr. Pepper at those folks on the sidewalk. There's about $20,000 in damages.
- I decree that "Otter Pops" be readily available at Prom, also Nachos, Mountian Dew, Dr. Pepper, Green Chips, and Green Olives. An absolute shitload of Green Olives.
- The Prom Queen gets "sick" minutes before our big moment on the dance floor where we are supposed to have the opening dance. I decree that the newspaper workers shape her up immediately. They do so and during the dance, she does in fact vomit. I sacrifice the DJ ending the celebration prematurely.
- The newspaper crew stages a coup. I flee out the back door as they begin razing the building. The Queen is sacrificed.
- As my reign of power draws to a close I retire to Tom's house for an evening of movies thus allowing history to return to it's regularly scheduled program.
Needless to say, my reign of prom king might not have looked like this, but pretty close. I want to thank everyone who voted for me 10 years ago, and shame on the dickbags that denied my birthright.
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