Red Pootarts And Spam

i dont know why ive been writing so many rants lately. i havent been writing anything else. and usually when i get i the mood to write i write all kindsa stuff including rants. i think its cuz im storing up for my hibernation period. yes its coming upon that time of year when i go and get a job and half to work instead of sitting here on my ass all day writing useless rants. what exactly does hibernation entail for me? well mostly it means that ill be too tired to check my email 20 times a day and way to tired to respond to anyone so i'll end up letting my wife respond to everything for me. and as usual some asshole will send me some email that wether intended or not will propbably piss me off and i'll go on a binge of hate and exhuastion pointing out his or her every flaw to my endearing public. (HA HA HA endearing). but hey wheres the fun in life if you dont burn a bridge or two every now and then. keeps things exciting.


i learned something really important today. as a lot of you know i have the wondorous like-magical ability to shit extrodinarily fast. (its not really magical, i just regularily wallow out my asshole with road cones.) most people i just tell them that its cuz i got two assholes. my son and daughter have both inherited the second asshole gene from me. im not joking here. they really did. its called a sacral dimple if you wanna look it up. i never knew what it was called before today. mines just that, a dimple. my kids the same. but i found out today that there really are people who have this dimple thingy that can shit out of it. can you imagine the potential there. just think. its a dominant gene so its easy to breed into people. like brown eyes. now this is where i think that hitler guy was really onto something. he didnt want to create an army of super human soldiers. he just wanted to make business men who could take care of business really fast. i mean think about it. how much time do you think is wasted each day buy guys with type e bodies stuffing themselves into bathroom stalls to spend 15 or 20 minutes pushing out that monster yule log. which ya know is gonna just rank up the whole place. and by the time he gets turned around in there to flush hes already passed out from the stench so there goes another hour or so waiting for the guy to wake up again. now if he had two working assholes itd be less concentrated so it wouldnt smell as bad. itd have an air hole (like those little red gas cans). hed only half to spend about a 4th of the time pushing (maybe even less) and he probably wouldnt be a type e any more cuz he could get rid of it so quickly it wouldnt stay on as long. if you figure your large intestine is like 2 ft or so long and your small intestine is like 2.5 miles long thats a lotta room for shit to sit. and i remember back when i was a young lad working on the ole farm with me pa. shits not light. its really some heavy shit. and it smells bad too. but you probably already knew that. anyways i havent had any luck finding a pic of a guy shitting out of a second asshole but my wife is still looking hard for me. she'll find something i can forward on.


as many of you have read or recieved by now, im sure youve heard of the so big virus thingamabob thats going around. i dont know what it does but i do know that someone at gvsucc has got it real bad. everyday about 30-40 times a day she gets a random RE:(insert something inane here) message from a random river.it.gvsu.edu acount. the email is always put into her bulk mail, is always blank, and always contains a randomly named *.pif attachment. the file always scans positive for the so big virus. so she always deletes it. now what i dont understand is why are there so many stupid people out there that download and open every attachment thats sent to them in an email. i mean id like to think that people are smart enough to know when an email is for them or when its just spam bullshit. i know that my inbox personally gets filled with some very inane subject headers. things like "retarded gophers ate my fencepost" and other strange things. i have no problem telling the difference between the messages that are for me and the ones that arent. the ones that arent usually say something like "expand your penis" or "free money" or "these two hot transexuals want to make love to your donkey and then cum in your face." okay okay so the last one probably was for me. but you get the point. i think people should have to take an internet ethics class as mandatory to graduate high school. if they just keep giving email address to just anyone who knows what could happen.
BILL GATES IS NOT GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EMAIL TRACKING PROGRAM. THAT 7 YEAR OLD BOY DYING OF CANCER IN ENGLAND DOESNT WANT YOUR EMAILS. HES 35 NOW AND HAS BEEN CURED OF CANCER FOR QUITE SOME TIME. YOUR WISH WONT COME TRUE. THE AMERICAN RED CROSS COULDNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU OR YOUR EMAIL. THE GAP DOESNT GIVE AWAY ANYTHING FOR CHEAP LET ALONE FREE. YOURE GOING TO DIE WETHER YOU FORWARD IT OR NOT AND SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY ANYWAYS. NOW FORWARD THIS TO 30 OF YOUR FRIENDS OR A PIECE OF CUM COVERED BOLOGNA IS GOING TO FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH.

id been watching mars this whole past month. watching it get all bright and shining. i got a few emails and random people told me that it was gonna be as big as the moon. well maybe if i was looking at it througha telescope. it was rather unimpressive. just a red fucking star in the sky. people should goto snopes.com or urbanlegends.com and look this shit up before they go spreading it to me. also, another recent misquote. there is a 200 population cap in age of kings. so sending 24 ships with ten samuries each on them to invade the aztecs when your the japanese and you havent been stealing anyone elses guys is impossible. just thought id clear up some of that BS.
one last thing. home alone just came out with another sequel staring a whole new cast but keeping all the original characters. it comes out on dvd and vhs sometime next week i think. keep an eye out for it cuz its gonna be a real champion of the big screen. ~couch.

"See, I AM USEFULL!" ~CB