The Courtesy Flush

It has recently come to my attention that not everyone is familiar with the philosophy behind the what I like to refer to as "The Courtesy Flush." It was always my understanding that all men just grew up knowing this. And for the most part, I've been correct. Where I was wrong though was in thinking that such a theory had probably been created by women. Though I suppose I should begin by describing what exactly "The Courtesy Flush" is, as this probably won't make any sense at all if you do not know. So here we go...

"The Courtesy Flush" is a very simple notion. It's been around as long as there have been toilets to flush. It's called "The Courtesy Flush" because that's what it is, a courtesy. To be more clear, it is an extra flush of the toilet taken immediately after you dump your load. This ensures that the majority of the stench associated with such a load is removed from the atmosphere, making it a generally more pleasant place to be. It also serves to reduce the among of deadly gases such as carbon monoxide from filtering up and around your ass and into the breathable proximity. Most men practice this, since we are the only ones who are not only capable of admitting that are shit stinks, but we are usually proud of the fact. Women on the other hand tend to believe that when they shit a magical fairy comes down and sprays half a can of rose-smelling deodorizer spray on it and nobody will ever know. This, along with many other nonsensical ramblings of women, is complete bullshit. Their shit stinks, same as anyone else's, but society has away of making women believe they are goddesses.

My wife recently went out to dinner with a bunch of her "girl" friends. Sort of a mom's night out if you will. And as is often the case, my name came up in a conversation about shit. Why anyone would think that I would have an opinion on poop is beyond me. The conversation was about why some women are in the bathroom for so long, why it smells so bad, and how no one would want to enter the bathroom afterwards. You know, things that a woman would never admit to a man. So this leads me into my rant today on proper bathroom etiquette.

The Urban Dictionary defines "The Courtesy Flush" as follows:

1. A flush in the middle of the toilet-sitting process in order to reduce the aroma...Usually performed on a "foreign throne" as a courtesy to the owner of said throne... In other words, to be polite and not stink up the host's crapper too much.

"I gave a courtesy flush at the Smith's party because I didn't want to kill the next person to use the bathroom."

2. To flush more than once during a sitting to eliminate the chance of a clogged toilet.

3. The first thing you do when you walk into a restroom and other occupied stalls. Flushing before you sit down creates enough noise in the area that other people may be able to finish their business while minimizing embarrassment from excessive flatulence.

"Seeing as there was only one stall taken, and given the state of his rotting gut, John gave the other restroom occupant a courtesy flush in hopes that he would finish his business so John could get down to his with the added privacy of being the only one in the restroom."


While all three of these are correct definitions of the term, it is the first definition that applies to what I'm ranting about tonight. Since women apparently don't know or at the very least don't use courtesy flushing in their day to day lives, I figured I would take it upon myself to inform them (and any men unfamiliar with the procedures) of how one should properly take a shit.

1. Speed is important.
This one is broken across the sexual barriers. Both men and women are at fault on this. The goal of taking a shit is to relieve your body of excess waste. The quicker this is done, the quicker one can do something more useful with their life, like watching TV or eating dinner. Plus a quick shit leaves less stink, and leaves you exposed to all the nasty bacteria and stuff in the restroom for a shorter duration of time.

2. Know your surroundings.
Gathering a wad of toilet paper while your taking your shit can greatly decrease the amount of time you are in there. Knowing where the handle is allows for a quicker response time on a courtesy flush no matter which of the three uses you are using it for.

3. The Long Haul
Occasionally, you will have to be there for a while. Constipation rears its ugly head on everyone. In such cases, reading material is okay and probably welcomed. Be comfortable, but be ready to give a courtesy flush as soon as it finally pops. Also, by using your ass to cover as much of the seat in an air-tight seal as possible, you can help to reduce the amount of toxins that 'leak out' while you are waiting for the big one.

4. The Courtesy Flush
As soon as the shit hits the toilet, flush. If you consider yourself an extreme shitter and can poop, wipe, and then flush all in a single motion, then you can wipe first. This requires years of practice and is not recommended for novices or the faint of heart. No exceptions otherwise. It's only water. As soon as your done with it, it goes thru some filters and eventually back into the same water system it originally came from.

5. Cleaning Up
Clean up is important. Nobody wants little chunks of poop stuck to there buttholes. Guys (especially Italians) are in serious trouble from such things due to the amount of hair they have between the cheeks. But clean up is still important to women. Nobody wants to grab their partners ass and feel little crispy nuggets or come back with brown stains on their fingers. It's just not right. So clean up is important. First off, don't be cheap with the TP. There is a reason the stuff is paper thin. It is so you can use a whole lot of it at once without killing an entire forest. Front to back is the proper direction for the first wipe. This helps keep you from putting shit on something that will more then likely end up in somebody else's mouth someday. After the bulk of it is removed, you can use what ever direction is necessary to clean it all up. If necessary, don't be ashamed to use a wet wipe to clean up the extra bits. And please, please, please, make sure you don't leave any 'dribbles' on the seat when you leave. It only takes a moment to wipe them up and it is a lot more considerate if you wipe up your own so the next guy or gal (yes gals dribble too) doesn't have to.

6. Misc. Afterthoughts
Be considerate. If you use up the last of the toilet paper, put some more in. If your about to serve or handle food to other people, make sure you wash your hands. (If it is to yourself, then it is up to you.) And finally, if people are timing you, always offer before you go in to let them see it before you flush. (If someone actually is timing you, they may be perverted enough to want to check it out for themselves. You never can be too careful.)

All of the above rules are not gender specific. (Or in other words, they apply to women as well.) I hope this has been educational and hopefully clears up some of J.K.'s questions on the subject.

Happy X-mas Eve ya'll!