Tales from Afar: Hail Jamaica

For our honeymoon, my wife and I went on a Carribean Cruise. This is the chapter on Jamaica.

Upon our arrival in Jamaica, we were greeted by a forest mountian island land. It was an amazing site indeed. Houses were located all over the mountian face. My wife and I had signed up for an exucursion onto the island to have a bus trip through the harbor city to see the "Enchanted Gardens" do some shopping and see the "dunn's river falls." It sounded like a good time. on some levels it was, on others it was terrifying.

We boarded our bus at the dock and they whisked us through the town. A bit dumpy. There were free markets on the way surrounded by iron fences with spikes and razor wire at the top. No doubt in my mind it was to control the morning rush every day to get to the booth to buy chincy $18 necklaces that retail for $3. Also I saw many peeps sitting roadside. My comment was simply.. Get the Camera!

We arrived at the enchanted gardens. On the whole, the Jamican folk were friendly people. Those that guided us through the nature trail were friendly and made a video to sell to us. I recieved scorn from the guy selling the video for having the foresight of bringing my own camera, but apart from that we were treated well and shown some amazing things. I learned that jamaica is one source for the herbal supplement to viagra, and that the feeling of bird talons is quite interesting. You know they're tame when the don't peck my eyes out in the first 5 seconds and it's confirmed when a whistle will bring them to your hand. I bought a few Jamaican cooking sauces there as authentic cooking sauces from a far away place is pretty nuts.

Next was shopping. I bought a few more Jamacian sauces and a new shirt. I was also interested in authentic a cuban cigar. The shopkeeper told me she'd make a good deal on the whole box. I said, "But ma'am, I can't take them home. My government has been snooty with Cuba since the 60's, I can't take them home." She insisted the price would be well worth it, but I declined, buying only one.

Next was the dunn's river falls. Nothing like this could ever exist in America while lawsuits are so common. Here it would be simply looked at from afar. Upon arrival, our tour guide on the bus said to "...politely tell them 'no thank you', they are just trying to make a sale." I hadn't heard what had prompted that comment, but I had heard the stories of the Jamaican drug dealers in the past and figured that was who 'they' were. We offloaded our bus and had to memorize the number. Every bus in Jamaica is white and has the same make and model. A sea of Identical buses with a half hidden number to tell them apart with. We were told an we had an hour before departure. We decended into the valley and since we had brought our own aqua shoes, we didn't need renatals at $10 a pop. We decended a steep staircase to the base of the waterfall. Our guide told us to make a human chain. On my left was my wife, on my right a little girl about 5 years old. My only obligations were to prevent either from going over the falls. My wife had lead, so usually I just had to lift the little girl by her left arm onto the next ledge. Sometimes she'd wrestle herself away and I allowed it, but then she'd sit in the heavy currents or some other stupid thing and her parents would give me the business. Eventually I escaped climbing on higher with my wife. Eventually we reached the top and I judged that we'd been going for about 45 minutes. We bought a couple of Mountain dews at $2 a piece. A souvinere photo for $10. and then stopped. Our exit wasn't laid out for us. I saw a couple I reconized from the bus and began to follow them hoping against odds they would lead me home.

Along the way we endured, "Hey pretty lady, braid your hair?" As some local folks wanted to initiate my wife for $20. But we pressed on because of time issues. But then, all that changed. I heard voices. Loud and many of them. The voices were brash and powerful. They were coming from dead ahead. I stopped in my tracks, as did the other americans. Ahead was a carnival of carnies. It was a Jamaican free market. It was gigantic and there was no way around, but I knew I hadn't seen this monster on my way in. It was almost as it the area was extra-dimensional. I asked a local man, "Which way to the buses?" He responded in deadly earnest and pointed toward the abyss with a finger, "Through there." Ohh shit.. I told my wife to grab on, there was no way around we had to go through. This was most definately who the bus guide had referred to as "they."

"They" met us at the threshold of the market. "Come see my shop!" "Hey you in the glasses!" Grabbing, pulling, pushing. I tried to find my way through, but it was a maze. The exit signs had been covered and any attempt to get information led you in the direction of that person's shop. I had been ignoring people calling to me, and that had made some of the carnies angry. "What's the matter, are you AFRAID of us?" I replied simply, "No." but tried to push through. It was literally wall to wall people in there. Finally I was stopped. A man about a foot taller than me said, "Hey mon, I'll teach you a handshake. (starts a multi part handshake) Peace, love, respect.. Look at this, (he displays a wooden idol) I'll give you this for free if you come see my shop." I took this as safe passage through Carnie territory and so I followed with my wife in tow. We reached the shop and then my wife got grabbed by the neighbor. I entered the dark little hut and it was nothing more than a souvinere stand. I looked around a moment and the guy grabs a second Idol. "You should buy this for your lady! what's your name?" "Um.. Jim.. shit.." He started to scrawl my name on his idol and I said.. "Whoa, wait a minute." I looked outside for my wife and she was looking at cheap necklaces. We simply had to get away, we had blown a good ten minutes in the maze so far, our time was coming to be on the bus. I asked, "you want a necklace?" She said "ok." I said, "How much?" The lady said "$12" I replied, I only have $6. In truth I had $16, but I choosed not to divulge that and walk home with too much crap, but their tourist lie detectors were active that day. "No more money? Not even on the Bus? What about your ship?" I'm thinking at this point that it was a bad bluff, but I had the upper hand anyways. $6 is what I'll give you for the necklace, yes or no. She took the money. As a result, my "free" idol was taken away from me as well and we hauled ass around the corner and ahead was the staircase out.

The buses. All identical. No two buses were different. I ran through the lot, frightened that I might miss my bus and end up walking through those areas I'd seen on my way to the gardens. I caught a glimpse of americans walking down an aisleway. When I got to where they were I saw another bus with a door open. My number on the side. Success!! I called to my wife and we boarded our ride back.

Along the way we passed a stopped white bus on the side of the road. A jamaican cop was there armed with an AK-47 assault rifle. Moral, don't screw with Jamaica. Our bus sped back to the docks and we hurried abord our ship. It wasn't America, it wasn't even land, but it was not Jamaica either. It was just safety.

When we got back we fell asleep. This fixed my slots for several hours and I was up all night videotaping the ship and examining cruise ship night life, or attempting to examine it. I knew on a ship this big, I wouldn't be the only restless person abord, but there was only one location with people, and I wasn't about to enter the night club. Even it seemed relatively empty. Where are the insomniacs I wondered. I didn't find them that night. Instead I retired to my room and dropped into unconsiousness.