Celebrity Hockey
It's about fucking time the fuckers responsible fixed pro hockey. The imminent return of the NHL prompts the question: If I were a GM of a team in some celebrity league on a different plane of existence, who would I try to acquire for my ass kicking hockey team? Here is my lineup:
Every team needs a pretty boy goal scorer. Laugh now, but Stamos was cool 15 years ago
Credentials: Stamos played Uncle Jesse on Full House. He has a winning smile.
Skills and abilities: Has excellent puckhandling skills. Very accurate shooter whether from the point or the crease; may activate Minor Globe of Invulnerability 2/day (treat this as a supernatural ability); Opponents viewing Stamos' hair must make a Will save (DC 16) or become dazed for 1d4 rounds; Opponents really hate him.
Weaknesses: Sometimes greedy with the puck - laboring in the shadows of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier have clearly been damaging to his ego; vulnerable to fire-based attacks; Is sometimes distracted by his own hair.
I hope Paris Hilton is being burned alive RIGHT NOW.
Credentials: She is the physical incarnation of evil on earth. Paris Hilton is best known for inheriting a shitload of money and looking like a used cumrag. If you think Paris Hilton is attractive you'd probably screw a dead skunk.
Skills and abilities: Aura of Evil 10' radius; Anyone coming in contact with Hilton has a 66% chance of contracting a disease (see Illustration 1: Afflictions, Diseases and STDs.); Makes crisp, solid passes; Knows how to work the corners.
Weaknesses: Smells like a dirty vagina; Always has that shallow, pompous, dimwitted look on her face. Is Paris Hilton.
He was badass when he was alive, now that he has the added badassity of being a ghost, his badassness is nearly off the badass rating charts.
Credentials: John Wayne was in a lot of old cowboy movies where he shot people, ate shoe leather, shit nails and shot more people. If you were in a movie with John Wayne, you were fucked because either A) He's going to shoot a hole through your face or B) John Wayne liked you which meant you had to die so he'd get really pissed off and shoot holes through peoples faces.
Skills and special abilities: Wicked wristshot; Solid physical play in front of the net; Carries firearms; Can summon 1d3 Hell Hounds once per day
Weaknesses: Unable/unwilling to pass the puck (passing is for sissies); Sometimes has trouble with stickhandling because he is noncorporeal; Hotheaded and sometimes takes bad penalties.
Put a hockey stick in his hands. Now imagine trying to skate past him.
Credentials: Played the big ugly guy in Hellboy. I think he was also in one of the Aliens movies. This guy is just scary looking and looks like he could put a hurt on someone.
Skills and abilities: Big, tough fucker; Strength bonus makes hockey stick deadly in his hands; Resistant to crushing and slashing damage; Likes Full House; Hits like a goddamn freight train
Weaknesses: Falls down a lot; Poor Will save; Polysyllabic words sometimes frighten and confuse him.
He looks like a nice guy, but he'll tear your fucking heart out through your asshole.
Credentials: Ever seen the movie Casino? Me neither. I did, however, see this one scene where Pesci was all like "Fucking fuck you you fucking motherfucker!" then he stabs this guy in the neck with a pencil or something. He also had a great rant about cellphones in Lethal Weapon 4. I want this guy out on the ice screaming at people and stabbing them.
Skills and abilities: Screaming and cursing boosts team morale while confusing and terrifying opponents; Carries at least two concealed weapons at any given time;
Weaknesses: Somewhat short; Currently serving a 14 game suspension for decapitating a player and pitching the head into the stands; Has a bit of a temper; Will take some wild shots with the puck at inopportune times; Healing spells have a reduced effect on him.
There is no one better between the pipes than Knotts.
Credentials: He was the deputy on The Andy Griffith show. He was also in one of those half animated/half live movies a long time ago. I think he did the voice of a talking fish or something.
Skills and abilities: Has cool buggy eyes; Quick reflexes, particularly on the glove side; Resistant to death magic.
Weaknesses: May be dead; Lifelong feud with Stamos may unbalance team chemistry; Vulnerable vs. crushing damage; Critical hits taken have a 10% chance of causing Knotts to shatter into pieces, leaving the net vulnerable.
posted by
@ 12:01 AM
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