Your One-Stop Shop

There are a lot of chains of stores that work this way. You can buy socks, lawn fertilizer, milk and video games all at the same place. These are places like Wal-Mart, Meijer's, Target and Super KMart. For the most part, these jack-of-all-trades stores are pretty handy. They pander to my desire to spend as little time as possible battling people with shopping carts and screaming children. In a perfect world, I would own and operate my own chain of these stores. Let me tell you a little about them:

- I'd call it AG Land or something like that. The tagline could be "If it's not here you don't need it." or "If we don't have it, you're probably an idiot and should go elsewhere anyways." We'd have everything to meet the needs of today's nuts person.

Disguised as a sale item in the vegetable section, Death prepares to strike.

- Here's an overview of the store's contents:
Food: Basic things like milk, butter and bread. There would be a bakery with a shitload of really good donuts. We'd offer the finest meats and cheeses in all the land. The ice cream section would kick ass, offering 17 different varieties of ice cream. The shitty varieties can be purchased elsewhere. Hot pockets and frozen pizza. Soda and potato chips of course. Maybe some pasta. That's about it. If you want tofu, beans or any of that other shit you can go somewhere else.
Entertainment: Video games and movies. Lots of these. Books too. There would be a section of the store set up for playing D&D.This would be very near the soda and potato chip area. I would be able to admit or dismiss people from this section as I see fit.

Pharmacy: Cough syrup and Tylenol. That's all the medicine you need.

- There would be snipers in the rafters and trap doors placed at various strategic points in the store. If you cause any trouble, you're either shot or dropped down into level 2 of the store where the dragons and ninjas reside.

- Twice a day at random times protective walls spring up around the merchandise. Guns and gear are dropped down from the rafters and a paintball battle commences. The last shopper left alive gets $100 to spend in the store. Runner up gets free medical treatment.

This guy's about to get his ass kicked by the entire staff.

- Employees wear polo shirts featuring the Alright Guy Seal of Approval. Each employee is allowed to tell one customer per month to go fuck themselves for any reason they see fit. This privilege does not carry over from month to month. Any irrate customer who is being a cock and making a fool of himself will be broadcast over the suspended big screen TV that hangs prominently over the front of the store. Once he's been shot (BB guns only) and asked to leave, the employees may throw fruit at this person as he does so. Shoppers may join in if they wish.

- Every year the store will close for a week in August for a staff vacation to Gencon. If you don't like gencon, you don't work at AG Land. This will also be the yearly cleanup phase (this job will be outsourced) to clean the paint, blood and rotten fruit from the walls.

Man, I'm awesome.