Cummin at ya in HI-FI

I read this story on MSNBC about how this rancher is offering up a huge reward for anyone that brings him his supply of $75,000 worth of Bull Semen. Did anybody else just gag when they read what I just wrote?

Not being a rancher by any means, I'll fill you in on all the questions I'm sure you have and pose some new ones.

Q: Why did this rancher need $75,000 worth of bull semen?
A: Ranchers are a strange breed because rather than allow nature to take it's course, they enjoy having sex with cows themselves. Most of them have huge bull size strap ons the size of super soakers and ride the cattle by moonlight. Sometimes they romance them first sometimes they play out darker fantasys, but in all cases, the super soaker needs to be loaded or their twisted cow oddessy will end.

Q: What makes bull semen worth $75,000?
A: Sheer quantity. Getting Bull Semen is as easy as jacking off a bull or surfing eBay for 3 seconds or looking here in eBay also. As you will see, the going rate for Bull Semen is about $35 - 70 dollars. Which means this guy had LOTS of Bull Semen at his disposal.

Q: Who would steal all that Bull Semen?
A: If not another rancher, or a cow looking for baby with no man to hold her down, the only other realistic use for Bull Semen I'm aware of is in the lubrication and preservation of really old car parts. I would examine an old car showroom to find this culprit.

Q: How do you transport Bull Semen in that quantity?
A: The best method is by Bull, but if it's already in jars you may want to consider railcars. I'd imagine they would have to be properly packaged or that room will by awfully slippery when it's time to unload.

Q: Without his twisted cow fetish, what will the rancher do next?
A: It's hard to say, obviously he wasn't prepared for a drought in the Bull Semen department for some time. This sudden outage may cause an uprising in the cows, an uprising in the rancher, it's hard to say how he'll react. I'll have to get back to that one.

I hope this Q&A session has helped you understand the nature of the beast we're dealing with here.