Mr Nuts' Lonely Hearts Club Band

If I could align the greatest musicians the world has ever seen into an all star lineup, this is what it would look like. Maybe they aren't necessarily the greatest musicians in the history of the world, but they're the best at their respective positions. Much like the all star lineups in pro sports, these people probably wouldn't function very well if they were asked to actually work together not to mention that their genres and styles don't really mesh. Anyways, I woke up this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so here goes.

Vocalist:

1. Mike Patton
2. Maynard James Keenan

Mike Patton was the frontman for Faith No More and Mr Bungle, both of which are legendary artists in Alright Guy lore. His vocal range is incredible, with songs featuring falsetto, screeching, howling, making dead monkey noises, flat-out singing and everything in between. He is not only talented, but fucking nuts to boot. Patton would make sure everything was perfect in the studio and that everything was nuts at the live shows. He is currently singing for Fantomas, Peeping Tom and Tomahawk. He has also appeared with Lovage. His best vocal work includes Ugly in the Morning, Just a Man, Five Seconds and anything in Fantomas where he is screaming.

Maynard's vocals are haunting, intense and beautiful. His melodic voice lends itself well to both the driving, forceful beats often found in Tool's music as well as the slower-paced, more mellow sounds of A Perfect Circle. He also puts on an excellent live show. Check out MJK in 3 Libras, jimmy, Third Eye and The Noose.

Lead Guitar:

1. Kirk Hammett
2. Mike McCready

Kirk Hammett has been playing lead guitar for Metallica since replacing Dave Mustaine for Metallica's first album, Kill 'em All. He is the man responsible for the monster solos as well as much of the melodies in all those great Metallica songs some of us have been enjoying for years. Unlike many rock guitarists, Hammett is quiet and unassuming and seems to shun the spotlight. He has a down to earth presence, and may only quietly watch while other members of our band break things and poop in discreet places. Kirk's best work can be heard in Welcome Home (Sanitarium), Sad But True, Master of Puppets and Breadfan.

Mike McCready is best known for his outstanding guitar work with pretty much the best band in the world, Pearl Jam. Though Pearl Jam isn't known for flashy solos, McCready's talent is showcased quite well within the band. He has lived the rock excesses of drinking, drug use and smashing the fuck out of his guitars on stage. Though he has been clean and all the better for it, we certainly hope he'll still break things. McCready kicks some ass in these songs: Red Mosquito, Yellow Ledbetter, Brother and Alive.

Bass:

1. Les Claypool
2. Geddy Lee

Les Claypool is likely one of the most nutsest people on the planet. He is the most talented bass player I've ever heard. He has a style all his own. Often using a 6 string fretless bass, he plays by slapping, tapping and other unorthodox methods. He can also play the upright bass, guitar, drums and banjo. Apart from his talents, Les is also nuts in a can. He sings nuts things, looks, talks and does nuts things. His nasal, twangy singing voice takes some getting used to, but we don't need him to sing, we just need him to play and be really fucking nuts. Some of Claypool's best work can be heard in Tommy the Cat, Me and Chuck, DMV and Hamburger Train.

Geddy Lee has been playing bass and singing for Rush since the band's debut album in 1974. Like Claypool, his 'unique' singing voice is definitely an acquired taste. Claypool has cited Geddy Lee as a major influence, and one only needs to see a few live Rush shows to see why. Lee is an amazing bass player who also sing, plays keyboards and the occasional guitar. Hear Lee's chops on YYZ, Spirit of Radio and Distant Early Warning.

Drums

1. Neil Peart
2. Danny Carey

I don't know much about the art of drumming, but I know when someone can fucking play. And Rush's drummer Neil Peart can fucking play. One need only to see Rush play live to know that Peart can bring it like nobody's business. Hear Peart's ass kickery on YYZ, Roundabout and Test for Echo.

Tool and A Perfect Circle have a distincly different sound. A big reason is the thundering drum beats of Tool's Danny Carey. Again, I don't have any real knowledge of drums, so I can only say DANNY CAREY HIT DRUM SOUND GOOD. Give Triad, Lateralus and Third Eye a listen.


These musicians are my choices for most talented. I've found that I have an absolute mastery over knowledge of things that I like. I'd like to throw these guys in a studio for a year and see what comes out. I should be the president.