Delayed slot failure and leg cramps

i know its been a long time since i wrote a rant, probably pushing a year now. i have no idea whos on this list anymore, and i am way to lazy to check. so if you get this and you didnt want it just erase it.


Delayed Slot Failure:
yesterday i went to a graduation open house. I dont really know the people, but i work with the guys mom. i had nothing better to do so i figured i would stop by and make an apperance. it wasnt a bad party. typical. three or four different types of salad. some baked beans. create your own sandwich stuff. a couple cakes. a tub of ice and pop. and a table set up with varying acheivements of the graduate. i only knew one person there. now although she knows my nickname is couch, she calls me josh. (for some reason many of my business associates have a hard time calling me couch.) i got to meet her son. hes a nice guy. hell of an artist. i think he could even do stuff for wotc or something if he wanted to. but anyways, as i was leaving, somebody around waist high said "hi couch." i responded with a hello of some sort or another and continued waiting for my wife to catch up. this went on for about 2 minutes before i had slot failure. when my brain finally cued up the fact that nobody here knew me as couch, hell nobody here knew me as anything. after about what seemed like an hour (probably only 30 seconds or so) i got my brain to reboot and process everything. i had to scan the area for whoever it had been that had said hi to me. after a short bit my eyes found someone that my brain remembered. a young girl was there playing basketball. quicker then i expected my brain processed who she was but no name came with it. the thought process then went like this: john. merri, danny, sammi, danny, sammi, sammi, sammi, sammi, Oh hello stacey. by this point i was already on my way to the car. i never saw any of the other members of the family. nor did i look. i was too busy trying to process the theory of delayed slot failure. if you want a better explanation of slot failure youd have to ask jimbob as he is the current expert on the subject.


Leg Cramps:
im sure all of you have seen movies like 8 mile, where at some point the guy sneeks off with the girl and they have tremendously intense sex, standing up against a pallet or a wall or whatever. until yesterday i had never really thought to try sex standing up, as it seemed like it would be very difficult. first of all unless the women is taller then you, you have to hold her up somehow. proping up against a wall helps but friction doesnt stop gravity. so your left with three choices. one: she can stand on her tiptoes. two: you can hold her up with your hands on her buttocks. or three: you can stand in an incredibly uncomfortable position by half squating and thereby making yourself shorter then her. i tried all three. in that order. the tiptoe thing was great. for me anyways. however. my wife is not a ballerina (nor do i think she could be one if she tried, jimbob dexterty) and standing on her toes only lasted for a couple minutes. (yes, i dont prefer quickies). Next, holding her up. as strong as i like to think i am, i have very little endurance. i can hold a person three times my weight on my shoulders. but i cannot do it for very long. holding someone about 3/4 my weight although signicantly lighter still takes some degree of endurance. after about 5 minutes or so of that, it too became a turn off. now as those of you who are not virgins (i actually dont know if anyone on my list even qualifies as one), you all know that when your having very intense sex a turn off is not something you want to have happen. (for instance i farted very loudly, twice a couple days ago during a morning sex romp. it didnt go over well.) having your arms feel like they are going to fall off i think is classified as a turn off. so using some quick thinking, i set her down on her feet and contorted myself into some sorta half squatiing froglike position. i dont think youll ever read about this position in a karma sutra or cosmo magazine or anything like that. i think if you saw it you'd laugh your ass off. (probably why they never use it in hollywood). now im flexible. more flexible then most people i know. so i figured contorting myself into such a position wouldnt be too hard for me. i was right. although i looked and felt like a frog having sex witha telephone pole, i managed to keep it up for about ten minutes or so until i orgasmed. it was at this exact moment when i realized the flaw in my newfound position. although my endurance held up much better in this position than in anything else. it had apparently been a bit of a strain on some of my muscles. being too taken into the moment, my body had been unable to tell me that there were any problems until the whole ordeal was over. about a quater millisecond (or some other really small number) after i peaked, all the muscles in both of my legs completely locked up. like a muscle spasm except instead of extending straight out, they reamained loked in thier froglike stance. while this was increadibly goofy looking, it was also extremely painful. remember how your parents used to tell you if you made funny faces your face would get stuck like that. well thats what i was feeling right then. i actually had to have stacey massage my legs until i could move them enough to stand up. a most unpleasant end to some of the best sex ive had in a while. moral of the story: buy the sex swing. they sell it at various "toy" stores across the nation. a guy i know bought one and hooked it up to a winch in his attic so that he could raise and lower it. if i had an attic and an extra $200 id probably buy one myself cuz god knows i dont plan on doing that again to myself.


In other news:
i went to church today. and i was asked to make a choice that i was completely unprepared to make. i didnt make the choice. but i decided that im going to write all my religious beliefs out so that i can define my own personal religion for myself. im going to share my writings with you all becuase i have nothing better to do with my time. i dont think any of you will really get that much out of them. as they are my beliefs and not yours. if nothing else though it may give you some insight on me or just another way to look at the world around you. mostly though. im doing it for myself. ive gone too long not having an opinion on too many thing so i going to force myself to create one. peace out ya'll. ~couch.

"I never believed the devil was real, but God couldn't make someone filthy as you." ~MM