An Alright Guy in King Lorik's Court

Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass with my wife. Little did I know where my trip would take me! Maybe it was that I was drop dead tired, or maybe the fact that the church's heat was broken, maybe it was luck, these are all possibilitys. However, my believe was the church organ which played music like this. Maybe it was a combonation of these things, but for whatever the reason, I was teleported away to a far away land.

I opened my eyes staring into the face of a man in heavy armor, "Get thy body out of the street!" he exclaimed. I got up still dressed in khaki's and a polo. "Thou art a minion of the Dragonlord! To King Lorik with you!" OMGWTF... He led me up the street to a guarded staircase and inside was a man with a white beard. "Ahh Jimbob.. These are dark times indeed. Minions of the Dragonlord have captured Princess Gwaelin please rescue her!"

What?? Princess?? Where the hell am I? I started to leave, but the guard said..

"There be Drakee and Red Slime about.. you should take this gold and buy some defense."

I walked the short distance to the nearby village and was nearly killed by some crazy slime on the way. I walked up to the salesperson

"Gimme that leather armor and that shield. "
"Thank you, anything else?"
I realized I hadn't bought a weapon yet. I checked his inventory and saw a nice wooden club.

"That club."
"I'm sorry thou hast not enough gold."
"WTF? I have ten solid gold coins!"
"The Club is 60."
"It's a fucking glorified stick! I'm giving you GOLD for a hunk of wood! Just why the hell is it 60 Gold?!"
"60 gold please."
"Ok fine, take back this shield then and I'll buy the club."
"Very well, but I can only give you half back for it."
"What? Why?"
"It's used."
"USED?! You just fucking gave it to me."
"Half. Is that ok?"
"Hell no asshead. What do you have for 10 gold."

He rummaged around and found a bamboo quarterstaff. It was really stupid looking and was a little taller than me."

"That?? WTF?!"
"Ahh The bamboo pole is mighty indeed! Want it?"
"Fuck you, gimme the club you price gougeing idiot."
"Better take this lest a Drakee eat you alive."
"Shit.. town sucks."

I took the pole and ran my stupid ass back to the castle. Upon getting there I began to feel my identity as a hero of the realm. I was Jimbob and to be the saviour of all the people. I was stopped at the castle entrance by a voice.

"Jim?"

How dare they call me by half my name. I responded in the dialect of the area.

"Who art thou?"
"Jim." (More insistant this time)

It must be a dragonlord minion I thought. Just like the guard thought I was when I first came to town. I raised my Bamboo Pole on high.

"I'm Jimbob you wretch! Be gone from here villian! I'm the hero of the realm and can smite you with a single swipe of my Bamboo Pole! THE .. DRAGON .. LORD .. AIN'T .. GOT .. NOTHIN .. ON .. ME!!"

A giant earthquake knocked me on my ass and I closed my eyes from the shock of it. When I opened them I was looking at a girl with golden hair.

"Princess .. Princess Gwaelin?"
"Jim, wake up."

After a moment I realized I was back in the church, and my wife was attempting to stop my daydream. I left King Lorik and my adventures behind, but for how long?