20 Unique things about me

Well after surfing this past week I've seen several blogs that are posting lists of things about the writer. Most of them aren't that entertaining. They are just list of things like "I love kittens" or "My hair is red." Well I decided to try and put one together of some of the more unique and oddball things about myself. Hopefully it's a little more entertaining then most of the others I've read.

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1. My piss smells like popcorn.
Not just any popcorn, butter flavored popcorn. This is probably the main reason that I don't particularily care for popcorn. Always makes me wonder what they put in that butter at the movie theaters.

2. My shit can knock people unconscious.
Thats right. If I knew how to aim it, I'd be just like Paul Rueben's character in Mystery Men, The Spleen. Just give me some chili or eggs or beans or just about anything else and away you go.

3. I can see in the dark.
Not only do I see a whole lot of dark, but for the most part becuase I eat a diet so overly loaded in vitamin E, I can see in very minimal light situations.

4. I used to have a wild rat for a pet.
I guess I can't actually call him a pet as Gwar never once considered me to be his master, but he did make for a lot of entertainment on more then one occassion. I found him underneath a barn one day and managed to catch him somehow. Chasing him around the house and trying to avoid getting bit by the big fucker would provide hours of entertainment in my youth. Well until the one time when he ran out the back door.

5. I can shoot a bow.
I actually used to be pretty good. I even placed 19th in the outdoors triple crown nationals one year. But now that I have to pay for all the stuff instead of my dad, I find myself a lot less interested in it.

6. I've been to a nudist camp.
There is nothing more entertaining then watching a bunch of naked people diving for the ball during a game of beach volleyball. DAMN thats gotta hurt. It was also the first and only time I ever saw an uncircumsized penis.

7. I once 69ed on a beach in Hawaii.
The weirdest part was when the family (mom, dad, and 5 year old girl) walked by holding hands and didn't seem suprised. It definately caught me off guard and made me wonder about the intelligence involved in using a public beach at noon for such spectacles.

8. I can shit in under 25 seconds.
I'm not sure if thats a record or anything, but it's definately worth some props. I credit it all to me having a secondary asshole.

9. I can hear certain subsonic sounds.
The noise from florescent lighting and certain electronic devices gives me massive headaches. I can walk into a room and tell you if something is running or not.

10. I am not a member of the "Couch can play scrabble" club
Though it was named after me (and not some other Couch), I am not a member nor am I responsible in any way for the foundation of it. I did once spell the word "equines" though.

11. I have played soccer with a jellyfish.
Granted I was drunk off my ass (and probably high as well). I was also buck naked. It happened during a drunken college skinny dipping outing one nite. And while parts are blurry, I do remember kicking the goofy looking ball of mush and watching it fly through the air. Whether dead jellyfish don't sting or I just got lucky is unknown to me.

12. I rode on the back of a sea turtle.
While snorkeling one day, a sea turtle swam by. Not to turn down the opportunity, I grabbed a hold of its shell and let it pull me into the ocean's depths. I let go shortly after a ran out of air.

13. I pee sitting down.
Its not that I prefer one over the other, but becuase of my particularily fast ability to shit, I always find myself worried that I'll be standing there and push a little to hard and find something brown and shitty oozing down the back of my leg. Besides, it's much easier to read the graffiti when your sitting down.

14. I'm hopelessly attracted to clowns.
No, I'm not a claurophiliac. It's not sexual. I'm just completely fascinated by them. I can't explain it. I probably would have sex with one if the chance came up though.

15. I heal incredibly fast.
While I'm no Wolverine, my body heals itself at an alarmingly fast rate. The audio bit on my profile is from the last time I sliced my face thru to the cheekbone. It had grown back together when I woke up the next morning. I think Jimbob actually has pictures of it someplace.

16. I am a natural masochist.
While most masochists find some sort of high out of inflicting pain on themselves, mine comes naturally. Whenever I get hurt, my body produces an instant adrenaline rush. Thus jacking up my pain tolerance and creating the drug like rush that can only otherwise be experienced by taking methamphedimines.

17. I own the complete works of John S. Hall.
King Missile, his solo stuff, stuff he's produced with other artists, even the 7 tracks that were only released on two different 45's. And yet I hardly listen to any of it.

18. I once had a tongue stuck in my dickhole.
While it didn't exactly fit, it did feel kinda weird. Both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. I have never had my shitbox tonguejacked. Thats probably next on my list of things to have done to me.

19. Despite my constant referances to drugs, I really have been clean since I got married.
Well... at least mostly clean. Now days I just stick large knives into myself for that extra high.

20. I once engaged in sexual activities using battery cables and motor oil.
Okay so it wasn't motor oil. It was bar chain oil. Like for a chainsaw. I can't remember what inspired me to do it. I remember hearing a line in a movie or a tv show about it. And I know that was the original inspiration but I can't for the life of me remember what movie. Also, never ever put lacquer thinner on your nutsack. It may sound like fun at first, but its not. Trust me. I'm a masocist. I would know.

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Well there you have it. Twenty unique things about myself. I don't think I could write too many more with out ranting about things that are already included in other rants like shitting on the floor at Big Boys, or trying to get a leech to suck on me just to see what it feels like. Even using those, I probably would have only been able to get to thirty or maybe even thirty-five. So see, I'm not really all that different. I'm betting at least half of you share one or more of those unique qualities. Granted, it's probably the female half and number thirteen, but you take what you can get.