Sick & Disturbing Tales: Erections (part I)

“Erections lasting more then four hours, though rare, require immediate attention.”

I just heard that on a Cialis commercial during the super bowl. NO FUCKING SHIT! First off, if you manage to keep an erection for four hours then you are a paraplegic and shouldn’t be allowed to take the stuff without supervision in the first place. If I have an erection for ten minutes, it’s going someplace. Maybe it’s going in somebody’s mouth. Maybe it’s going in somebody’s cunt or ass. Maybe it’s just going to get flushed down the toilet or washed down the drain in the shower. Hell, if I have to, it’s going to end up in the first semi private place I can find, because it sure as hell ain’t going to get left hard. If that means I got to jack off in a porta-potty so be it, but its going to be emptied.

Why would someone even take that kind of shit if they didn’t plan on having sex within a half hour, let alone within four hours? I can’t speak for everyone but I get absolutely no pleasure out of an erection. Erections aren’t comfortable. Well at least they aren’t for me. I suppose if you only had a one inch dick it wouldn’t be so bad. But any guy with an average length on his Johnson knows what I’m talking about. That little guy is going up whether you like it or not. It doesn’t care if you’re wearing jeans. Hell, it doesn’t even care if you’ve got sandpaper inside your skibbies. The guy is going north. There are only two things you can do about it. You can free it. Which ain’t always an option depending on where you are, or you can empty it. Now that’s where the pleasure is. That sudden explosive release of sticky salty spooge.

If by some god forsaken reason you hate yourself and don’t let it out then you’re going to end up with blue balls. Blue balls aren’t fun. If you get blue balls you better go find yourself a very sexy nurse and have her jack you off. With her tongue. Men are born knowing this. And those few whose genes are produced with way too much estrogen and didn’t pass this inborn knowledge along figure it out pretty damn quick.

Personally, I think it should have said something more honest and truthful, like: “Erections, though frequent, require immediate attention.”

If you going to take a drug to make you erect then you better fucking know how to empty the Governor. And personally, jacking off is something you do more out of necessity rather then convenience. So you’d better have a nice piece of ass there waiting for you when you pop that pill. Anything less is just drug abuse.