Movie Review: The Village

M Night Shyamalan - Director
Bryce Dallas Howard - Ivy Walker
Joaquin Phoenix - Lucius Hunt
Adrien Brody - Noah Percy
William Hurt - Edward Walker
Sigourney Weaver - Alice Hunt
Brendan Gleeson - August Nicholson
Judy Greer - Kitty Walker


Sorry, Joaquin. I don't know why you did this movie either.


The first M Night Shyamalan film I ever saw was The Sixth Sense, which was a classic. Then it was Unbreakable which was good, but a little disappointing. Then Signs, which was watchable, but a little more disappointing. After watching The Village last night, I'm afraid the next M Night Shyamalan movie I buy will simply cause my DVD player to burst into flames. Please stop making movies, sir.

The premise is simple enough: a small, secluded village in the woods is terrified of a menace lurking beyond it's borders. There's been an agreement that the villagers don't go into the woods, and the humanoid wolverine/pig things in red robes don't enter the village. Seriously. But recently the Demonic Pigmen have been entering the village, and it is scary. Shyamalan plays with color here, as he does in all of his movies. Unfortunately, a good movie must have more than creepy atmosphere. It must have things like a semi-intelligent plot, dialogue which doesn't make me want to throw up my donut, and believable acting. The Village has none of these features. The talents of Phoenix, Weaver and Hurt are wasted here.

The first thing that bothered me was the dialogue. You see, when I watch a film I think about the dialogue: 'Is this how people would actually talk?' I ask. Here is an example of how a short conversation might go in this film:

"If this act will bring sadness I will not do this thing, for you are my Blessed One."
"My love would never be taken, my Blessed One"

What? As it turns out there is no reason for these people to be talking like this. It's distracting. I'm about to get into some SPOILERS here, so if you ever plan on watching this shitty train wreck of a movie, you should go no further, lest the Demonic Pigmen flay the skin from your flesh!

Ok, I have a few really big problems with this film.

- Here's the biggest one: after seeing The Big Surprise at the end, I had to ask 'why the fuck didn't these people just move into an Amish community?' or some similar place. Why??? Seriously, have the film open on these people who are sick of modern city life and have them throw on bonnets, move to an Amish community and get behind a plow. Roll credits.

- Sending the blind girl into town is just plain fucking stupid. At the end while the town leader was giving his passionate speech about responsibility and compassion, I was thinking 'If you're so fucking compassionate, why didn't you sneak out and go yourself or, I dunno, find someone who can SEE?' There's a man dying, waiting for medicine for fuck's sake. "Gee, hang in there, Johnny. We've got someone gone to get medicine for you. We're sending JoJo the one legged leper into town with a note pinned to his shirt and a backpack full of money, peanut butter sandwiches and comic books. I'm sure he'll be back any second!" And the sppech about how "Love will guide her" is also ridiculous. Sure it sounds nice and touching, but it does not make sense.

- Having Noah (played laughably by Adrien Brody) in the situation he was in and die the way he did is insulting. Pretty big coincidence, don't you think? Pretty fucking stupid, don't you think?

- I didn't know Ivy Walker was supposed to be blind until she stuck her cane out and waved her hands around. Don't stare at the people you're speaking to, blind girl.

All in all, it was all atmosphere and no substance.The Village is the worst film I've seen in a long, long time. Where's the ipecac?

The Village recieves no wombats and one big pile of shit.