Couch Appreciation Month

Sorry I haven't been around much on the blogs. I'm currently snowed in while house-sitting at my fathers residence. Unfortunately he has dial up. Better then nothing, but it's no dsl and I'm not patient enough to wait for pages to load. So I've only been checking my email once a day as of late. Hopefully, my regular hour upon hours of surfing and doing nothing all day will resume within in the next week. And if that fucker doesn't bring me a fat check back with him when he gets back from Florida, I'll set his house on fire. Anyways... Onto the rant...

Believe it or not, March is "Couch Appreciation Month." No, I didn't make it up. Somebody else did. Probably just becuase they know what a great guy I am. So, in honor of Couch Appreciation Month, I figured I'd post a list of reason on why you should appreciate me, Couch. I mean it's not everyone that gets a whole month in there honor. Not to mention all the prizes and giveaways that are being granted in my namesake. Unfortunately, becuase it is in my namesake, I probably won't be allowed to win any of the prizes. Maybe they'll give me a fancy little plaque or something but I doubt it.

1. Hundreds of people now know how to properly wipe their ass becuase of me.

2. I recently (just found it today) developed a third nipple.

3. I wrote the definitive articles (1 & 2) on how to stick a cock into every hole on a woman at the same time.

4. I took great pains to grant the world free access to my recipe for making fromunda cheese. (which I have long since lost)

5. I gave my left eye socket complete with eyeball away in my will, just becuase friend wanted to know what it's like to skull-fuck another human being.

6. I helped prevent overpopulation by having both of my testicles removed.

7. I've worked hard to make an amendment to the constitution that would allow "free blowjobs from anyone willing to give them."

8. I smell better then your couch. (okay, thats probably a lie)

9. I smell better then my couch. (definately)

and finally...

10. Because I'm a fucking Alright Guy. You people should fucking worship me! (HA HA HA. I think I'm choking. No seriously, somebody call a fucking ambulence.)