Celebrity Ball Skin

My head hurts. I hate being d.d. And now Mr. Nuts, I'm staying awake on fucking nicotine. This shits bad for you. Anyways, Sunday is now officially cool. I've got it off. Kat's welcome. All is bob. I still haven't written my rant and am starting to wonder if I ever will. I like where I work. Money is good. But not having infinite free time sucks goat balls. I'm working with John Ritter, Ed Norton, Special Ed from Crank Yankers, and the guy who does the voice for Mr. Mackey from South Park ("mmm kay?"). So that's pretty cool. Special Ed sucks in real life. Idiots shouldn't be allowed to use power tools on sheets of material that cost $2,600 a piece. I haven't fucked one up yet but both John Ritter and Special Ed did. John Ritter's was at least salvageable. Special Ed took a router right through his. Fucking that's what you get for letting celebrities into a display shop. Ed Norton's pretty cool though. He's kind of like in 25th hour and Death to Smoochy at the same time. (a former drug dealer with a superior health conscious.) I graduated with him from school so we knew each other pretty well. He always smoked that government weed. Fucking like $2k an ounce and shit. People are stupid.

Fuck it. I'm feeling saucy. Heads clearing up. Just need to take my socks off and get these damn whitey tighties off. Oh yeah about that. Apparently this is turning into a rant so I'm just going to send it to everyone and continue ranting. I'm wearing these whitey tighties today because I was like pissing earlier and the three shakes rule just wasn't cutting it. I had to pee like four times in ten minutes and each time the last drop which ended up being more like a dribble was ending up in my pants. I'm like this is fucking uncool. This ain't fucking Billy Madison. I'm a grown adult and it looks like I just pissed myself. What the fuck, you know? So I had Stacey grab me some whiteys (which ended up being pink from the laundry) and I put them on to kind of hold the flow a little better because going commando sends it straight to the jeans dude. Aaah that's better.. I'd like to shoot whoever said we have to wear socks and shoes all the time.

Okay, so here's the shit I was going to write about like I dunno a month ago or so. Shit, time flies. Like about 6 months ago, right after Trini was born, I was done having kids. So I'm like "yo, I'm going to get my fucking balls chopped off." So I keep forgetting about it and putting it off and like 2 months ago I'm over at Doc Carley's getting Jade and Trin checked out and I'm like "yo Doc, I want my balls chopped off." And he's like "you mean a vasectomy" so I say "I dunno, is that when they chop your balls off?" And he's like "no, not exactly, but I think it'll accomplish what you want." So I'm cool. And he gives me the number to this place over on Military and Beard. And I call them up and I'm like "yo, I want my balls chopped off" and the lady says "you want a vasectomy?" and I say "yeah I think that's what the Doc called it, is it when they chop your balls off?" and she's like "um sure whatever." Then she asks me all these stupid questions like who referred me and what's my insurance, and whether or not I was married. She tells me I got to bring in $50 two weeks before my appointment. Oh yeah and before that she said my appointment had to be done on a Friday because that the only day the doctor works. So it was like a month wait to get on his ball chop list. So I bring in the $50 and go to the appointment two weeks later. And the pamphlet she gave me said I had to bring some whities and my wife. I bought some green tighties and some blue tighties just too fuck with them. They never saw it coming. Or going for that matter. Anyways, I get there and both me and Stacey have to sign off on my balls. Yup, I guess if I get my balls whacked without her permission she can sue the doctor for depraving her of my balls. It's not like she sucks on them that often or anything but I guess that some women just really love there men's balls. Oh shit almost forgot, I had to shave too. Not my face either. My whole scrotum. This is a lot more difficult then it seems. There's a lot of fucking wrinkles down there. And I went to the docs with more then one incision already cut open.

So I'm sitting in the waiting room drinking my orange cream Sobe (which I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything but I was so hungry and thirsty that I went to McDonald's just before.) The nurse calls me back into the room and we wait and wait and wait and wait some more. So I start get antsy, I mean after all who wouldn't when they're getting their balls chopped off. I start playing with all the shit in the room. There was like this crazy space age looking microwave thingy. I'm not sure what it did but it was cool. All the drawers were filled with towels, paper towels, Kleenex, napkins, and other assorted products used for soaking up blood. NOT a good sign. It was about then that I noticed the music in the background. "Hurts so good" by John Melloncamp. At what point do you take a fucking hint and just leave with your balls still attached? For me, apparently never. After that was Love potion #9. Nice follow up huh? My mojo was taking some serious bruising that day. There was also this awesome poster hanging up on the wall. (Insert groan from those who've already heard this) it showed the scientific side views of a man and woman and all there sex parts. And this is wear I noticed something quite unusual. The anus is by far better equipped for taking in long objects. It doesn't open up as wide as the vagina but it goes a lot deeper. And I mean a lot a lot. Like 5 to 6 inches more. Which was cool, gave me a lot better understanding of well endowed gay guys. So I had this brainstorm. What's the biggest problem about anal sex? (besides getting shit all over your dick) the exit no entry setup. So I work with this guy for my dad and his sister blew out her asshole when she was little, so now like every time she farts or is constipated and pushes too hard her asshole falls off. Like detachable anus. So I figures what if we could breed those into people but like put a string or a latch or something on them so people didn't lose them and have to buy them back off of some street vendor for $17 who found it in the sewer after you lost it taking a shit. Then men would just start evolving naturally with long skinny dicks. And chicks would love it and there be a lot less cock waving and penis envy and penial compensation going on because we'd all be more secure with the size of our manhood. It be like we could all be black. Sweet huh? Anyways on with the show.

So now I find this drawer that says something about a vacuum pump but Stace wouldn't let me play with it or even open it. So I played rolley chair races with myself on the doc's chair until he came in. He has my get undressed. And lay down on the table. I kind of sat up because I wanted to watch. He injects this needle into my right testicle and let me tell you needles do not belong there. They hurt there. A lot more then they do in the arm or butt (unless its a needle dick) or leg. Damn it was most non non non non NON HEINOUS. Whatever that means. So he grabs his little cordless disposable blow torch and starts cutting and I'm fucking screaming DUDE! THAT FUCKING HURTS!. And he's like "oh. Must need more nitrosomething" so he shoots me in the nut again with that fucking needle. After a couple minutes he goes back to cutting, makes an incision about a 1/4 inch long in the right side of my ball sack just under my penis. I didn't feel a thing. Thank god. He pulls out a vein cuts it with his blow torch and burns off both ends and shoves it back in there. Then he proceeds to stitch me back up. I don't know why but whenever I've gotten stitches they tickle. This was no exception. I giggled a bit. If it would have been much longer I would have laughing my ass off or in that case my balls off. Then he grab my right testicle squeezes it like its one of the little pink stress heads that's got the eyes that pop out and shit and pulls it to the right. Shoves the needle in the left testicle DIRECT FUCKIN HIT right in the goddamn nut. It was almost as painful as my first heart attack. Not cool at all. He pulls it out and starts cutting and I'm like DUDE I CAN FEEL THAT!!! And he's like "oh, must need more nitrosomething." God I hate doctors. So he shoots me again same scenario. Cuts the incision, pulls the vein, burns it off, sews me back up and says " keep ice on it and take it real easy for the next 48 hours. Don't take a shower for a day and a half." This all took place in about ten minutes. Insurance paid him $600 for that. I'm in the wrong business. He knew my dad too, I guess he put a pool in for him a year ago or so. I think he must have ripped him off and that's why he was so hard on my junk. So I put on my blue tighties and throw some ice down there. Also not cool. And we drove to Muskegon. About four hours later the novicane (not nitrosomething my bad) wore off and my junk felt like it had just been kicked about eight feet up into my neck. As long as I didn't move at all it was okay but when your wearing tighties for the first time in a long time you got to have constant readjustment. First thing I did when I got to Muskegon was take those fucking things off and throw them back in the bag. Fuck that shit. I don't care if men look sexier in tight cotton underwear. We'd look even better in thongs if we all shaved our asses. Men need to be free. Free from the constrictions placed on them by a society that demands you put a sock down your pants so that it looks like you got a big cock. That whole weekend I was in pain. It got less each day, until Sunday, when at a family get together, I held Jadyn up for a picture and he in turn kicked me in the nutsack. Talk about instant regression. He dropped like sack of potatoes. And so did I.

After that things got better at much slower rate. It took about two weeks before my balls were as good as new. I had to masturbate a lot. The doc said I had to have 15 ejaculations to get rid of all the sperm. I'm at 19 now. I think I've had sex 5 or 6 of those times. I really am pathetic. Now I got to go back with a cup of jizz and have the doc test it out to make sure its all kosher (a Jewish term). Then I'll be all cool again. Though I think I'm going to see if they'll actually remove my balls sack. Now that it doesn't do anything any more all its good for is getting caught in my zipper and giving people something to kick me in. So I'm just going to get rid of it. I'd send a picture of the incisions but I'm too lazy and now its like 5:30 AM and I'm starting to get real tired so this'll probably be the last rant for 2003. See you all next season. Peace out you.


"The words are not flowing like coins from a candy wrapper." ~jqc