Story of the Year

This Gencon has begun differently from any other. First off, there was no BC until about 2 hours ago. We met him in Indianapolis rather than bring him along. But that’s ok. Extenuating circumstances led to us not breaking a TV or anything else before leaving. That sucks but it’s still all ok. Because we’re nuts. The journey here took us about 6 hours. There is a trail of half-eaten shrimp between PH and Indy, which is really fucking disgusting.

All told, nothing exciting or eventful has happened today. I got my badge. We registered for a few events. But that isn’t interesting. So here’s a little story from the four of us: Mr Nuts, Mista Collins, Couch and Jimbob:


Once upon a time, there was a man who loved hats. He would always go down to the hat market and ask the clerk, “Do you have any new hats in?” The old man behind the counter being blind, deaf and dumb had no business running a hat store. So the man who loved hats would always leave and come back the next day because in reality he didn’t like hats at all, he loved old men who sold hats. This all has to do with events in his childhood. For example, his father who had sexually abused him sold hats. He loved that. And he loved the hats that he sold. But the blind man had shitty hats. Hats covered in shitty brown salamanders. Being blind, deaf, and dumb had left the old man with an incredible sense of smell, but for some reason or another he didn’t notice the smell of his shit hats. Maybe he liked defecation. Maybe he just thought shit salamanders were really great pets. Maybe he wanted revenge for those that shit on him and the salamanders trigger a long lost hatred for Taco bell and the people that lived there. He grabbed a waffle iron and a special hat. He set off to Pizza Hut to set right all the wrongs he had done. He began by eating an entire shaker full of that really hot red pepper stuff that burns your mouth. This made him very powerful indeed, more powerful than people who really did like hats but had not yet eaten the red pepper. He was debating what to do with his newfound powers when he noticed that the person behind the register was none other than his ancient arch-nemesis, Scorgio Sermando Wallabob Jones.

So the Super Powered Hat Loving Man used his special hot sauce kung-fu powers and drop kicked Scorgio Sermando Wallabob Jones. Little did Super Powered Hat Loving Man know, but Scorgio Sermando Wallabob Jones had his anti-drop kick shield up. This left Super Powered Hat Loving Man with no other option than to call his trusty sidekick. “Penis in your Ear Boy, come forth!” he yelled. Within moments, a young boy wearing a ‘Set MJ free’ t-shirt showed up. He undid his trench coat and whipped out the biggest cock Scorgio Sermando Wallabob had ever seen. Super Powered Hat Loving Man pulled out his special hot sauce kung-fu twin ring and because he had anally raped Penis In Your Ear Boy, he was able to use it to join with his sidekick into a fearsome and powerful creature known only as Alejandro Jose Rebertos an expert hatfighter and plumber. Alejandro drew has famous sword nicknamed “ass threader” and proceeded to sing “Baby got Back” while swinging ass threader about wildly. But then Wallabob did something unexpected, he made a ‘time-out’ gesture like Zack in Saved by the Bell used to do and began to address the readers of the story. “Look,” he began: “I know you’re all pretty confused and lost. I know I am. I plan to do something about it RIGHT NOW.” He then walked over to Alejandro, pulled Ass Threader from his hands and plunged it into his neck. The battle was over…or was it?

Do you really think this story was over like Emmanuel Lewis’ career? IT ISN’T!! It isn’t over because Alejandro was not really a superhero. He was actually just a robot creation built by Mark Walberg. Not Mark Walberg during his acting career, but Mark Walberg during his Marky-Mark days. Since his plans for world domination using his fake superhero robot was ruined by Wallabob, he had to activate and initiate super secret plan Jinglewhopper. Jinglewhopper depended heavily on Burt Reynolds popping a cherry on a boat with Marky-Mark’s humogous gigondoide. It was very intricate like one of those crazy machines that make your toast using chickens and falling buckets of water. I can’t think of the guy who made those machines, but Marky-Mark was an apprentice under him. He really was a terrorist mastermind.

Aside from that, I’ve actually overlooked something completely irrevelavent. There was a clown in the story that mowed the grass at the Skydome in Toronto. He did this in FULL costume using balloons and VX-poison gas to keep the hedgehogs away. It weren’t any nevermind, but this and that and the river made the happy purple sing. Of course there was always the flowers and the machete weeds. Did I mention VX poison gas? Yes, all of these things were in, on, and around the skydome.

Anyway, Burt Reynolds was tripping on a can of dust-off when the whole world exploded in a beautiful fiery explosion. Just before this happened, an escape pod was jettisoned from the planet containing 7 women, 16 men, doctors, scientists, Emmanuel Lewis, and the guy from that 80’s show AIRWOLF where this guy took this chopper called AIRWOLF and blew up non-americans in non-american countries. When this escape pod arrived on Mercury, they sent Lewis out first to scout the area. He was, of course, instantly incinerated by the incredible heat on Mercury while the other passengers were horrified and drank juice boxes and laughed. Mercury sucked a lot, so they decided to head back to where Earth used to be. That’s when the most amazing thing ever to happen happened: