God's gonna fuck my shit up

I was reading an article at www.somethingawful.com today. At the end of this article, as usual, was their "Awful link of the Day." This is where they pick out a really shitty website and make fun of it. Today's really shitty website was www.wayofthemaster.com. At this website I was first greeted by the visage of Kirk Cameron. He was asking me if I was a Christian, to which I answered No. The site proceeded to ask me, one-by-one, whether I'd broken each of the ten commandments. I didn't score too well.

Mr Cameron went on to tell me that in my sinning I have angered god. We sinners were then compared to rapists, and I was informed that while god was angry, and I sure as shit don't deserve eternal life because I'm a nasty little boy-fucking, penis-stroking, baby-killing sodomite, god would still deign to allow me into heaven with great and liberal amounts of ass-kissing. I may have changed a word or two, but that was the gist of the message.

It seems that I am in need of god's forgiveness. I am required to put complete and total faith in My Lord and Savior Jesus "Big Nuts" Christ. I'm very skeptical. I am to put my belief into a dead jewish man who believed that he was the son of an invisible monster from the clouds. My evidence is a book and the testimony of Kirk Cameron, who is really really sincere. So anyway, I learned today that I am really, really shitty and only lots of ass kissing can save me. That, and my resolve to stop having premarital sex. And to stop referring to christ as "Big Nuts." Also, I learned that if I imagine a god who isn't an uptight, insecure dickbag, I have thus created a false idol. This is bad. I have to stop working on Sunday. I am also covetous of the christians and their whole eternal life thingy. As you can see, I have work to do. Thankfully, the website gave me a prayer to recite. I am going to pass this prayer on to all of you, but before I commit to living the good life in Big Nuts' name, I have a few things to get off of my chest.

First off let me say that not all christians are bad. I even like one or two of them. Much of what I hate is the smug, militant, brain-dead, insecure "I'm right and you're wrong, I'm 100% sure of it, and I'll be in heaven eating Superman ice cream while you're in hell watching Dawson's Creek reruns LOL LOL!" christians. Like Kirk Cameron. But anyways, if there indeed is a god, why does he need his ass kissed by me? I have absolutely zero real evidence of a god, let alone one who needs me to bow and beg and apologize for blahblahblah. It all reeks of a "behave and you'll get a candy bar, misbehave and you'll get a broken nose" mindset. The problem with all of this is that you can't fake belief, Kirk. I think your god is a fucking asshole, Kirk. Now, I'm not a bad person. I open the door for the elderly, I say please and thank you, I generally treat people as I'd like to be treated. But that isn't enough, Kirk. You think I deserve to go to hell and your god is going to put me there, Kirk. Why, Kirk??? Fuck you, Kirk. You see, I don't need any threats or rewards to behave like a decent person. Every being knows the difference between right and wrong. I don't need an omnipotent, invisible old white man wearing a bedsheet, holding a gun in one hand and a bowl of Superman ice cream in the other to get me to behave. I do it because that's the only way I will like myself. It sounds like while you're up in heaven eating ice cream, I'll be down in hell giving you the finger. And I wouldn't change a thing. So fuck you, Kirk. Your god has a Napolean Complex.

I feel much better. Here's the prayer:

"Dear God, today I turn from all my sins (Fucking, lying, wishing I had a bigger refrigerator, calling jesus "big nuts"), and I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Please forgive me, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. Amen."